Changing Directions IV

The week seemed to pass by effortlessly with the children and as I stood and waved goodbye to my son as he passed through airport security I could feel the sadness waiting to in the wings to assault me.  I immediately start to get anxious wondering how the hell I am going to pass the time for the next few weeks and my heart sinks wishing he never had to fly away from me.  I think about how I would be if he lived with me; would I be able to still be on this journey?  He is such an amazing young man and it kills me to think he is the one thing I got right and that is because I left him in the best possible situation any child could ask for...but it still hurts knowing that brutal truth.  It's funny how some of the things that should lift us up make us feel worse; I wish I could control how I feel.  I could still see him in line and I wonder how he feels inside, my hope is that my darkness is not something that can be passed on but something that is solely my nightmare.  I want to be better and every time I look in his beautiful brown eyes I hope he cannot see into mine.  As I stand there waiting for him to turn the corner to to his gate I reflect on my last few months and know that the next few have to be different and I promise myself that I am going to do this for me...for the little girl who missed out and for my family who deserves the better version of me...I at least owe it to myself to live a life I want and desire.  It feels empowering when I allow myself the time and room to grow and develop because ultimately I am only trying to be a better wife and mother and I am not trying to escape my responsibilities or my life.  The darkness is a part of me so I need a better way to cope with it but for now I still have the band aid so I'll concentrate on the next few weeks with Leann and also booking my trips to New York City.  He waves one last time as he turns the corner and the experience of watching him fly away never fails to make me sob.  He tells me everyday that he loves me even when his friends are around...maybe my guilt actually comes from within...getting rid of my self loathing just moved up the list of shit that has to go.

I walk out to the parking lot and jump in my car, I'm almost liking the woman I am becoming...and guilt can just fuck off if it doesn't agree.