Mastering the Mundane XIIII

My days and evenings feel a lot easier, I imagine having less than a week until I leave for NY has something to do with this.  I'm excited Karen is coming along but now I have to find a way to tell her about Mike.  She gets this look on her face like your mother when she tells you she's not mad at you she's just disappointed.  I can't even discuss this part of my life with her because she starts to cry and becomes overly dramatic, but even she knows her guilt trips fall on deaf ears at my house.  Karen and I have this down to a science and communicate around it without ever actually mentioning my open marriage.  I find it interesting that someone that isn't even involved in my marriage has such strong feelings about it, it doesn't even affect her and all I can think of is that it makes her uncomfortable because it's not the 'norm'.  Dan and I have kept this a secret from everyone we know for fear of backlash, but we're getting to the point where we'd rather just lose those people then live for their comfort rather than our own.  It infuriates me that other's put so much emphasis on sex in a marriage and relationship because that is what they value and want, and I'm seen as a whore for not buying into monogamy.  Well at least I'm an ethical whore with values because I don't lie, cheat or sneak around.  I'm starting to realize that not all traditions and institutions need to move forward untouched, in fact so many need to be adjusted for those involved.  It's my marriage with Dan and we are more than capable of making our own choices; if our marriage ends it will not be because of sex, it will be because we are on different paths.  Some people seem to forget that marriages end everyday without being open.  Imagine the look on their faces if I walked in and was uncomfortable and offended by their monogamy and traditional household...why on earth would anyone openly choose that?  I just need to let it go and realize that this is their issue and I'm not willing to take it on or change my life to suit them...if they leave, I'll be sure to wave.

I grabbed my phone and figured it was better to get this over with sooner rather than later, "Hey Karen, one night in NY you're on your own for the evening including dinner".  I knew I wasn't going to get an interrogation because she won't force my hand but I still had anxiety because I feel there will be sadness or judgement behind her response, "ok, I'll find something to do".  Texting allows for me to skip the look she gives me and I've become okay with that because I'm not doing anything wrong...this is her issue.

I started making breakfast because I was feeling pissed off from fighting with people in my head and defending my choices.  Sometimes I make me laugh, I can send myself into a heated argument quicker than anyone else I know.  I realize I have alienated myself from most if not all of our family friends, which by the way are all of Dan's childhood friends, and I know it's for my own emotional protection.  It occurred to me as I was buttering toast that I have started this walk through my own personal hell in an attempt to find my happiness and what's been missing from my life and spirit...and to do it properly I have to do it openly and unapologetically.  There's no point in finding myself if I have to continue to pretend for everyone else.  I've been scared and embarrassed for so long I can hardly wait to shed that weight and just live for me and feel full and happy...it exists...right?