Changing Directions VII

I finished packing my bags and loaded them into the car, I stood in my driveway and felt nothing...like I was emotionally vacant.  I wished I was stronger and better but my hope has always been that this path will help me find the Natalie that is confident and someone that will stand up for what she wants even if it means she stands alone.  I'm slowly learning that it is more important to find my own way in life and that I don't feel comfortable just swimming with the salmon any longer.  I can't help but smile and feel better about myself, finding out who I am has been like being in an unhealthy relationship cycling through the honeymoon and anger phases.  Knowing that I would rather be alone, happy and comfortable with myself over being accepted by others for stuff that could never define me is so liberating.  I have managed to take away the only factor that has ever stopped me from being me...you!  And even as I think it I know that it has quite possibly only ever lived in my thoughts and that no one actually cares how I live my life.  It even sounds crazy to me when I think of all the time I have lost because I just didn't have the confidence to stand out.  It's so easy to blame others then assume responsibility; because if I can blame you then I don't have the control to change.

I grabbed a cigarette from Dan's pack and jumped in the car.  I felt different and I could feel a change in my heart and thoughts; perhaps it was only because I was about to change course and the thought of running away to Manhattan was intoxicating.  I hit the highway and I could feel a new energy, I wondered how I was going to feel seeing John again.  I guess I would have to tell him that my weekends were about to change and I wouldn't be available to see him much...not like I've seen him much anyway.  Speak of the devil, my phone lit up and I could see 'Robocop' across the screen.  My heart jumped from excitement and just as quickly sank, "I'm out on warrants for the evening, sorry Irish".  Either the universe never wants us to be in the same room again or he's lying because this is way too coincidental.  I pulled over and turned off my car.  For a brief moment I wished I actually hit him with my car the night we met.  I grabbed my phone, "whatever cop" and threw it in the back seat.  I lit the cigarette and took a puff, it was immediately followed with coughing and gagging...damn it why can't I smoke when I need to?

I could feel a tear run down my face and I was instantly embarrassed by my own behaviour.  John has done nothing for me so he gets nothing from me now...I wiped the tear and turned up my music, I can't wait to see Leann and Christian and I am done playing John's head games...I hope...