Mastering the Mundane V

I arrived at CJ's late last night after visiting with my in laws for an hour and helping her get settled.  CJ was still awake and was glued to his phone so I imagine he was on line looking to fill his weekend.  I threw my things in the spare room and fell beside him on the couch; I loved seeing my brother he has this way of empowering me.  "Have you heard from the cop?"  I had to think about it for a minute, I think he is referring to John and not Mike because I don't think I ever told him about Mike...clearly I have too many cops in my life.  "Nope and I refuse to text him, there's no point unless I want to play his game".  I could see him out of the corner of my eye put his phone down and shake his head; CJ hated John...I wish I could.  It was a long day and drive, I couldn't possibly have this discussion without crying and I'm far too exhausted to get into it, luckily CJ never pushes the issue.  He grabbed us a couple beer out of the fridge and told me about his dating life, he amazes me and I love hearing about his life.

By the time I was finishing my second beer I decided to tell him about Mike...the second cop.  This cop baffled me and I have no idea what his game plan is but I really want to find out, he will be a great distraction from John.  Giving up John feels exactly like an addiction; one day at a time and slowly it gets easier and hopefully you don't replace one addiction with another...in my case one cop for another.  I liked that I could talk to CJ about all of this and never feel embarrassed, he was always on my side and never judges me although I imagine it is difficult for him hear about it when it comes to John.  We didn't discuss him any further, he is in the past and for my own well being and mental health I have to leave him there...at least for now.  We laughed about Mike and the circumstances around meeting him, it was almost too crazy to believe.  CJ cleared the beer bottles and made his way to bad.  I grabbed my tooth bush and started the process of settling in for the next three days.

I was definitely feeling better these days, I was feeling motivated, happy and sane.  When the darkness comes it make me feel crazy and lost, I lose control, feel overwhelmed and it overtakes me...I can't let it back in, not now.  I grabbed my phone and crawled into bed, I have an early day tomorrow but I need a distraction now.  "Hey officer..."  I started to doze off waiting for his reply and I wonder if he has a switch too; I'm playing with fire and the chaos is intoxicating.  There is a brief realization that feeling happy does not take away the darkness, it merely holds it at bay.  I am still self destructing and I think I have to...I'm in a full swan dive...