Mastering the Mundane III

She woke in the middle of the night, I imagine it was nightmares.  I went in to find her sitting in the middle of her bed holding her dragon and blanket, "mama sit?"  I sat beside her and pulled her onto my lap, I was always afraid of the dark and I wanted to rid of that if I could.  People have told me that stroking her hair and humming to her to help her sleep would create bad habits but I refuse to believe in 'one size fits all' for parenting.  Although doing this brings me happiness and a closeness to my daughter I also believe it offers her security and comfort and I want her to have those things.  I laid her down and sat on the floor beside the bed and watched her drift off to sleep.  I remember doing the same thing with my son and it made my heart full knowing that there are things that I have done with both of them.  He used to be afraid of the dark and I tried to tell him one day there was nothing to be afraid of.  He was around six at the time and looked at me with his big brown eyes, "mom I hate being afraid of the dark, don't you think I wish I wasn't".  He was always wise beyond his years, after that very humbling experience I have always done what I could to help my children overcome their fears and obstacles and not just walked away thinking 'they'll figure it out'.  My children are very close to me, especially my son.  I have always nurtured my relationships with my children and have never expected to be loved, cared for or accepted just because I gave birth.  When I think of being a mother it brings me so much happiness, I love my children and amazingly enough I know I would go through it all again to have these two...I try not to feel guilty wondering what it would be like if my life were different.  My existence has become a huge conundrum of loving my life but wanting it to change, having regrets but not wanting to change them for fear of what I will lose.  When I am with my children or speak with them or think of them I know in my heart I am a good mother so please don't tell me differently because I am not yet strong enough to value my own opinion over yours.

I have heard people say that your life peaks around the age of thirty.  I know for a fact that is not true, I had my daughter when I was thirty four years old and she is definitely a peak in my life.  My life is not a single mountain, it is a range and I will have several peaks and with that comes several valleys.  My life isn't declining it is only changing and this may be my least favourite valley but at least I know it leads to a peak.  'Change my perspective and change my attitude'...my new mantra.  Four weeks till New York, I can see the peak on the horizon...