Mastering he Mundane VI

I finished breakfast with my son and left a little early because I still have to pick her up from her grandparents and home was five hours from there.  I felt great, almost renewed.  Watching him train and play football was my favourite escape and I could happily do it for the rest of my life, it is the one time that I am fully engaged without a thought of my own.  But I have to be careful, I don't want to be the parent that lives through their children or depends on them to fill a void in myself.  I am so proud of him, he is the perfect son and I love that we have bonded over his love of football.  I hugged and kissed him, threw him some cash and waved good bye; in fourteen years I have never failed to cry when leaving him...there is no point in starting today.

Leann and Christian only live about forty minutes away, but it's the wrong way.  I wonder if Mike would meet at the fork and have a coffee and chat...maybe I can throw up at his feet for old times sake.  What a weird guy, but I like him.  "Hey officer...care to meet for a coffee?"  I threw my phone on the seat and hoped he would respond soon, as awful as it sounds part of me wonders if I only want to see him as a way to stay connected to John.  I haven't talked to him in a long time, at least it felt like a long time.  I wouldn't even know if he was alive at this point, I guess Mike would let me know if anything that bad happened.  I need to let this go because this distraction is no better then my darkness and causes me almost as much pain, anxiety and fear.  My phone lit up and I was a little excited although to be fair I was already in a great mood.  "Hi Natalie, I'll be there in thirty minutes". I looked in the mirror and could see that I was blushing...I'm an idiot.  I got there long before him which only meant I had more time to overthink and make myself sick, it made me think about John and how he would not approve...why would I even care?  I grabbed two coffees and sat at the picnic table out front by the highway.

I barely recognized him when he pulled up in his truck and jumped out without his uniform...of course he's not in a uniform you idiot, he doesn't wear it around the clock.  He is really handsome, I never noticed before; in fairness I was hungover and throwing up two of the three times we met.  "Hi Natalie, happy you had time to meet".  I laughed and shook my head, "would you feel more comfortable if we stood in the ditch?"  He is a very sweet and kind man, I enjoy talking to him and spending time with him.  I wanted to know more about him, I enjoy hearing people tell their own stories.  "What's your deal cop?"  He talked about his children, a son and daughter, his ex wife whom he still is very connected to and works with to raise the children.  I'm starting to see a pattern here among the police force.  I find myself looking for the light in his eyes or the dark...I've become obsessed with this and it almost validates my reasoning for wanting to meet cops.  He's different though, he's gentle and the light never flickers.  Maybe John has just seen more...or perhaps his darkness is more like mine.  We talked a little about our families, work and interests.  He is funny, intelligent, handsome and well travelled...how is this guy single?  It occurred to me at that moment that I never asked if he was single...damn it!  I didn't bother to ask at this point since we are only having coffee and I likely won't see him again, or often anyway.  "Hey you want to go for a drive, I'd like to show you something?"  I immediately thought of my date with John and going to the club house.  I tried not to burst out laughing thinking about him taking me to the same place and telling me I'm the only woman to be in there...twice.  "I don't think I should, I still have to pick up my daughter and head home".  He smiled and I could see all the light in his eyes, it reminds me of Dan...untouched.

He walked me to my car and opened the door.  "Next time you're around and want to get together just text me".  It occurred to me that I have already seen him more than John and he was able to show up thirty minutes away at last minute...so why am I still thinking about John?