Mastering the Mundane XIII

I woke to texts from Mike and it was reminiscent of when John and I were talking on a regular basis. I still felt angry when I thought about him so I pushed him right out of my head and started my day with Mike.  I have no idea why we are still talking but I like it, he's really interesting and I easily get lost in his stories.  He has been in the entertainment business for over twenty years and has witnessed  some crazy stuff but he seems to be desensitized to it all.  He was getting ready to go and lay on the beach all day, he says it helps him meditate and clear his head.  I imagine this is how he decompresses and copes with his darkness since everyday is a constant reminder of a failed marriage and having no one in his life that appreciates who he is and what he has to offer.  I think that's how darkness works, it's meant to alienate and embarrass you, it keeps you locked away and holds you hostage.  Mike is clearly still a prisoner; talking about it does very little to set him free and I wonder if there is any hope in freeing myself from the small corner mine has me locked way in.

We chatted for hours and I wondered if this is how John would be if he would just destroy the switch.  I tried to picture Robocop openly discussing his own fears and sadness, reaching out for help and being completely vulnerable.  I feel sad that he may never want to release his suffering but there is nothing I can do, he has seen all of my raw emotions and ran scared...there is no way he wants to experience that from the inside.  I find many similarities between Mike and John and I wonder if it's intentional on my part...did I look for a replacement and not even notice?  I started to feel sick because I want to be rid of Robocop and not just find a version of him that will engage with me.  That fucking cop has me so crazy I can barely think straight.  I grabbed my phone and proceeded to text Mike...he has become my new drug and escape.  The beauty of Mike though is that he is open and welcomes that in return, he doesn't run and doesn't appear to play games...but who knows because right now all we do is text.  "Hey Mike, Atlantic City is only an hour and a half from Manhattan, if you get off early one night want to come back and hang out for a bit?"  I have this strong desire to see him, the worst he can say is 'no' and really that's no different then right now anyway.  "I actually thought of that.  I think one day I get off at 4pm so we can do dinner".  I had to catch my breath when I initially read his response.  I am way too excited at the thought of meeting him, it makes me feel guilty.  John wouldn't even cross the street to see me yet Mike, the cop, drove for half an hour with last minute notice for a coffee and Mike, from NY, is considering travelling three hours round trip to meet me and have dinner.  That cop makes me burn on the inside and I still want to punch him in the face.  I need to forget him and I hope my new drug of choice will help me do just that...