Mastering the Mundane

I woke a little earlier then usual, I rolled over to see Dan sleeping soundly so I crawled out of bed and made my way to the kitchen.  The next five weeks was not going to be easy but it would be even harder if I didn't change my attitude; I gotta fake it till I make it.  I played with the thought of signing back up to the dating site but I wasn't going back for a while anyway, I guess I could just change location to New York City.  I filed that thought away, I could not spend the next five weeks talking my days away with strangers.  At least three of these weeks I should be able to watch my son in football camps and visit with family; I feel disgusted that I need a distraction because I can't feel pure enjoyment out of being with the people I love most.

I made some coffee and toast for Dan, I could hear him coming down the stairs and I felt relieved to have some company.  Sometimes I feel jealous when I look at my husband; handsome, intelligent, balanced, confident and happy...thank god one of us is for the children's sake.  It amazes me how much this man loves me and continues to love and try and understand me.  There are times when I think I should pack up and leave because I don't think he would ever do it even if he was hurting, but I know that's not true because he is a lot of things but he has never been a push over.  He grabs his coffee and joins me at the island, "well, how was the last weekend of Summer of Natalie?"  It makes me laugh that he is so casual about my nightmare, it's probably why we can speak so openly about everything.  Honesty hasn't always been easy but I imagine my nightmare would be too much to handle if I added lying to the pile.  "It was good but sad, I can always go back and visit".  He nodded and ate the rest of his toast.  "The cop texted to meet and then cancelled again".  His eyes closed and he swallowed hard, I know this is a hard topic for him because John can change my behaviours quickly.  "Are we done with this guy yet?"  I smiled and held his hand, "yeah, I deleted him".  I could see relief all over him.  Dan never dictated or tried to sway my decisions but even he could not hide his anger towards the cop, no one in my circle of friends could.  "Dan I'm afraid to go to New York, what if it's just another dead end?"  He was now standing at the sink across from me finishing his coffee, "it might be but right now you won't see Laura so you have to go and find out".  How much more could one man take?  Everyday I pray for change in myself, I seriously have no idea how people live like this.  I feel irritated that he brought up Laura, I don't like being challenged about that corner of my life and I just want him to see that I'm doing everything I can...but even i know that's a fucking lie.  Right now I am still sliding away and I'm barely doing anything to put the brakes on.  I've shut down and just want him to leave for work because when it comes to 'her' I'll break before I will bend and he is well aware of that.  He grabbed his computer and left for work.  I sat on the couch and felt the anger rise in me when I think of Dan trying to push Laura.  I imagine for him it is like watching an addict refuse a sponsor or detox, but I'm not ready yet.  The anger starts to slide away when embarrassment creeps up from behaving like an entitled brat.

I grabbed my purse and pulled out the paper, "Hey Mike, It's Natalie.  I made it home safe and barely texted".  I really want to know this cops deal with me and maybe it's a great way to escape without leaving for the next few weeks.  I feel like such a loser...four weeks and six days and so far the attitude still needs adjusting.