The Longest Summer XXXIV

I didn't bother trying to go back to sleep, I sat in the summer cold on the back step and looked over the city I grew up in. I don't miss it, I don't like it and even leaving my father here to be buried with his parents will never be enough to make me want to return when I no longer have to. I sound cold and bitter...but I'm not, I don't feel like I am anyway although to the outsider ear I imagine I sound quite evil.

I stood on the rocks that surrounded the house, not pebbles, an actual mountain that their house was built on. I could see his neighbourhood, I could see the one I grew up in. I called Joseph, I don't know why...maybe because he's still a stranger.

He picked up, but I could tell he was sleeping. He must think I'm insane or erratic...maybe I am. I started off with the lite stuff...dad is sick, blah blah blah. He listened, he took it all in...every last selfish word I used to describe how it made me feel. Then he told me about the time he flew home to Ireland, over twenty years ago, and cared for his dying father day in and day out for several months. That's it, he heard his father was sick so he sold his business, hopped on a plane and rushed to be the caregiver to his father. He was destroyed the day his father finally left the world...he was his hero, his best friend and the type of man Joseph strived to be. Maybe one day I will have a lovely story about my father and myself and this journey we are on together. It won't sound the same, I mean how could it? He loved his father and doted on him and would have given his last breath just to see him for that much longer...and I...well you know how I feel...

In Honor

I lost a friend today, well...he's been gone for a while now...out of my life. My friend was not just my friend, he was a friend to my family. His loss leaves us feeling void, the shock, the sadness and the irreversible feeling of complete loss.

We love him dearly. A good man, the exact family man one brags about. An aching heart feels like a sad token for the memories made, I want more...but it doesn't work like that.

Today we cry and hug and share stories...tomorrow we honour and take that with us...

xoxox

The Longest Summer XXXIII

I woke in the middle of the night, disoriented and thirsty...I must have cried out all of my hydration. I used my phone as a night light to find my things and change into my pyjamas so I could go out into the kitchen and hunt for a bottle of water.

I could hear everyone snoring in there respective rooms and settled for the warm bottle of water on the table then stepped out into the backyard. I fell asleep part way through my conversation with Joseph and only now said good night with an apology for disappearing. He knows why I'm here but doesn't know the severity...there's no point in telling him. I held a cigarette in my hand but the thought of lighting it made me want to throw up, I remember when taking a puff would feel like everything was settling in me, my emotions and frustrations would leave for a bit but now just the thought of smoking evokes my gag reflexes. I placed the cigarette back in the package and opened my water instead.

I sat on the step going through my thoughts and hoping answers will magically appear. What am I going to say to him today? How do I tell him he can't go home...but I have to leave soon? He barely knows what's real anymore, how much more does he have to suffer before he is allowed to either live in peace or rest in peace....

The Longest Summer XXXII

I waited until I could see Trevor coming down the hall until I went back into the room. This time I called him 'dad' immediately, I don't know if I did it so he wouldn't have to guess or so I didn't have to hear him guess. He didn't look directly at me, his eyes were looking over my right shoulder and whatever he was seeing captivated his attention. I walked over and placed my hand over his and smiled through my watery eyes. He finally looked into my eyes and I could see the light go off, he knows it's me. "When did you get here?" I cleared my through, "Just now". His chin was trembling and his face squished as he tried to fight back tears but after several strokes his emotions cannot hide and his poker face is gone. I talked about my children, his grandchildren, but he was preoccupied with something just over my shoulder. He started to cry then looked scared as he told me about the car crash behind me and the scary men who were crawling from the wreckage...I wondered if the hallucinations were here to stay. Am I allowed to tell him it isn't real? Are we allowed or correct him? My body started to tighten and I could feel my jaw clamp down...I'm not prepared for this.

I was emotionally bankrupt by the time I crawled into bed, I wanted to disappear out of my sadness but sitting in truth is about the only thing that relieves the pain. I mourned the loss of my father a while ago and now feel forced to watch his suffering while I hold his hand and try to promise there's more to life. I turned my phone over and summoned my new friend...Joseph is my favourite escape right now, and he has no idea about my nightmare...

The Longest Summer XXXI

I found his room quickly and rushed through the door; he looked confused when he saw me. I thought he was confused that I would come all that way but then he spoke to me, "my daughter is coming from out west, how will she know how to find me?" My heart sunk and then immediately jumped into my throat...he doesn't recognize me, he has no idea who I am. I was frozen standing in the middle of the room, Trevor was parking the car and I have no idea what to say to my father who now sees me as a stranger. I quickly retreated back into the hallway and slid down the wall just like the tears sliding down my face. I spotted a nurse a few doors down and waved to her since I couldn't do much of anything else. I peeled myself off the floor and and attempted to explain what had happened. She was aware and told me that he lost some memory and is having hallucinations due to the massive blood loss he experienced...they needed more than six litres of blood to top him off. But this wasn't just "some" memory loss...I'm his daughter and he cannot see that in me...

The Longest Summer XXX

I literally did this drive just two months ago and for some reason I already hate it. Any path that takes me home to Ontario I dread taking. It makes me physically sick and depressed...it's a small town I could leave at any time it's not a fucking prison and still I can't stomach it. It doesn't matter who I visit or where I stay, I always have one foot out the door and ready to run away because I have almost mastered the 'out of sight out of mind' practice when it comes to this place. Here's the thing though...if my mom lived in my hometown I know I would be there regularly to make sure she is okay and doesn't need anything. I want to do that for my dad but find I lack the motivation and that's something I should be able to fake easily.

I watched the sun fall behind the earth in the rearview mirror for the second night as we drove into Wisconsin. Last year I visited Lambeau Field with my other brother so I didn't mind that we cut it out of this trip, this was less of a family trip and more of an emergency "please say I'm a good daughter" trip. We'll drive for a few more hours and be at his door before dinner tomorrow evening.

The Longest Summer XXIX

I met my brother at my mother's place and loaded his things into the back of the car. We're going to head south and drive until boredom or exhaustion sinks in. I tossed Trevor the keys and climbed into the passenger seat, I only have a few hours until we hit the border and I lose my data and have to rely on wifi. I could see that Joseph had been leaving me messages but waited to answer him, and I would wait a little longer while my brother and I caught up. My two brother's are incredible men, both have supported me in every way at one time or another and have continually been there for me when I need to visit my father...they make the trip without having a reason of their own to go.

Trevor and I have travelled together for years and toured at least a dozen countries together, and over the years he and Dan have continued the tradition but now it's been tweaked since we had our beautiful daughter. Together they did the Trans-Siberian from Beijing to Moscow, toured Vietnam and Cambodia, went to Oktoberfest in Germany and drove around Iceland while I have been enjoying living a part time single life in NYC. I haven't found anyone yet that I would want to see more than once or twice and mostly just make friends and use my time there to live a different life...not better...just different.

I looked over to see Trevor looking out the window and singing along to the radio...I wonder what Joseph is doing....

The Longest Summer XXVIII

I left just after breakfast and explaining to my daughter why I was having to go back to the place we had just been to less than two months prior. The drive was dismal and I felt all too uncomfortable in my thoughts and loneliness...probably like my father feels on a daily basis. I turned up some music and opened the window hoping it would change my attitude, unfortunately this highway has so many memories and mistakes that I can't ignore them or get around them so I wallow in them.

I stopped for lunch in Dan's hometown where we both attended university. I grabbed a juice and sat in my car, not wanting to have to interact with people and trying to clear the fog and sadness from my head. I grabbed my phone to get lost and stumbled back onto Joseph...the man I was talking to just the night before. He's hilarious and not even a little creepy or pervy and I found the perfect escape with a new friend. He's Irish, like from the motherland and you can tell he used to be a ginger but is now bald...I'm a sucker for a ginger. I laid my seat back and exchanged jokes and banter for almost an hour before I decided to give him my number, I preferred to move to text when I felt comfortable leaving the site. I was a little sad when the hour passed and I had to get back to the highway...but at least now I have him at my fingertips...

The Longest Summer XXVII

I laid awake for hours staring at the ceiling and wondering how I was going to be able to do this trip again. I sat up and put my feet on the floor, I needed a distraction and luckily my choice of drug is always available. I quietly closed the door behind me and made my way downstairs to find my computer and have a glass of wine. The light from the screen lit up my favourite corner of the kitchen and I put my feet on the chair next to me, took a long swallow of wine and started filling out my profile.

This has never failed to distract me from life and it offers me an escape back to New York even if only in my mind. I loved the chatting, almost getting to know someone and then having the ability to just disconnect and engage back into my real life. Periodically I have become a regular on the online dating scene in New York but if you are able to switch it all off for a few months then it's a whole new group of people when you come back...although there always seem to be the ones that never find a link or a friend or a date.

After my second glass of wine and exchanging banter with a man from Queens named Joseph I called it a night. I have to drive eight hours tomorrow just to meet my brother...

The Longest Summer XXVI

The birthday party was great although fairly low-key, which was perfect because I couldn't really concentrate right now. We took the birthday photo of her with Dan since they share a birthday and we had the bouncy castle and a few friends over for a BBQ. Within half an hour of saying good-bye to our guests I was pulling clothes through my clothes and drawers trying to pack for a week long road trip starting in just a few hours.

It felt weird, was I going to say good-bye to my father? I knew if he died I likely wouldn't go. He doesn't want a funeral and it wouldn't be right to visit when he died if I didn't visit when he was alive. I sat at the end of my bed and cried into my pillow thinking about the times I thought he was the best dad in the world. I just kept hearing my cousins voice ringing through my ears and memories..."if you want to say good-bye then you should come now". I don't know if I wanted to go to him, almost like if I avoided it then it couldn't be true. Sometimes I just want to live in my head where I can choose the time and memory, I don't like this type of change...the kind that changes you forever

The Longest Summer XXV

We had been home for over a week when I got the call...Dad is back in the hospital. It's not shocking considering his continued lifestyle and health issues but it never mattered to my heart...it always jumped wondering if this would be good-bye. I had just finished preparations for my daughter and Dan's birthday party and wondered if I would even have a chance to be at it. The doctors say he is stable but has lost a lot of blood, apparently he fell on his floor and stayed there for five days without food, water or his medications. My cousin found him when the care aides called to say that my father was not answering the door or receiving their services. My heart climbed into my throat as I listened; he lost some of his memory and is having hallucinations. I felt sick, this man used to be the strongest person in my world and now he is clinging to support...and continues to hold on.

I paced my house for over an hour and then called my brother Trevor; the day after the birthday party we would drive down to see my dad. I was relieved but incredibly sad that I couldn't leave in that exact moment...it's only a few days...he'll wait for me.

The Longest Summer XXIV

The days flew by, an afternoon in Macy's, an evening in Times Square, a subway ride around the city and countless hours in Central Park. I was packing up our things while she played with all of her new toys and tried on all of her new clothes making a twenty minute job take just over an hour...I am just as guilty for participating in the fashion show. She giggles loudly and flops around in her overly dramatic ways and it makes me laugh to see her so carefree. I would bottle her youthful happiness if I could and so I could give it back if she ever forgets how important and beautiful this time in her life was. She dances around the flat singing her favourite songs and asking for my help for the duets...I am still her best friend and she is mine.

I placed the suitcases by the door and ordered our Uber to LaGuardia. I deleted all of my dating apps and turned my phone to silent, it's time to leave NY again and with that....I leave it all behind and prepare for the suburban life.

The Longest Summer XXIII

After rushing through traffic and finding our way to the Manhattan Mall I was able to score a little green scooter for my daughter. I figured it would be great for her touring around the UWS considering she has to take twice as may steps as me and would enjoy scooting through the park. It only took her about half a day of running into the side of buildings to find her footing. Before long she was flying down the paths in Central Park and you could hear her giggle with every little hill. Her happiness is contagious, I love seeing her like this and experiencing my favourite city with me. She always stops to pick up rocks or little sticks that she likes to hide in my purses and pockets and it makes me laugh whenever I find them.

I watched her for hours, making friends, riding her scooter and discovering little treasures along the way, wondering if I was like that...and when did it stop? It seems wrong that we lose this just to grow up, don't we need it more as adults? The phases of life are a funny thing...I'm just not laughing...

The Longest Summer XXII

It took me twenty minutes to reach Hell's Kitchen but it was worth every step. I found a little pub that had people scattered about so I found a free seat at the bar and ordered a glass of Pinot Noir. I was watching the television but listening to the story of the two men just a couple of seats away. They work in the theatre and were discussing the their colleagues and the work they have to do when the theatre changes productions. More of them started to show up as Broadway was closing down and the production crews can finally call it a night. I love this city, it is crazy how much you can see and experience in such a small place.

I sipped my wine and signed into the WIFI so I could swipe for an hour and then head back...