Changing Directions III

Everything seemed easier with my son around, we have so much in common and hang out like long lost friends.  Maybe this is how people do it day in and day out, they just pay no attention to what is going on inside them and focus solely on others; unfortunately my inner voices scream at me for change and they will not be silenced because of a few weeks of abandonment.  It's funny how life can take on a direction of it's own when left to wonder...I find myself wishing mine had wondered into a law school.

I feel bad whenever I wish that something was different in my life.  I always hear people say well if this or that was different then maybe you wouldn't have what you do now; like if I went to law school then my children wouldn't exist or maybe I wouldn't be married to Dan.  It seems silly to feel guilty wondering how different my life would be if the darkness never existed or if I was strong enough to just follow the path I wanted.  I love my husband and children, I wish I had the same love for myself and my dreams.  That has to change, I have to matter and I have to be a priority to myself.  I'm starting to feel better now that I am changing directions and I feel motivated and excited.

I finished my coffee and went upstairs to see the kids and see what they wanted to do today, I found her sitting beside him and they were both singing 'let it go, let it go', she had her hands in the air and he was playing along.  They make me laugh because regardless of the age difference and distance between them they have a natural love and bond...I am so lucky and blessed...

Changing Directions II

I barely slept last night, I wanted to see her as soon as I got to the house but she was asleep so I left her until  she woke.  My son was driving us back home today and would be visiting for a week; at least I felt confident that this week would fly by and be effortless.   Having the right company always seemed to be a welcomed distraction to my thoughts.  When it came to him I left little room for error, there was no need to add guilt on top of the mountain I already accumulated over is 16 years. 


I laid in bed and thought about the past few months and how I would change the next few.  I started to approach this like a military exercise complete with blueprint and strategies; I don't know if this is the correct way but it's a different way so I'm going to give it a shot...clearly living like a single twenty year old was not doing anything for my emptiness so any other route might be better.  I decided to try and dive back into my family life and even work more, I imagine more time around friends and family would help me feel better and appear somewhat 'normal'.  I wondered what our friends and family would think if they knew our dark secret...I guess that secret is only mine.  Embarrassment came rushing back and not necessarily for my actions so much as for my thoughts and lack of ability to blend in and smile.  I'm not wired to be like everyone else I know; not that they are not special in their own ways...but they all have a similarity or shared secret that I don't possess.  I feel like if I could just embrace my weirdness and differences then I could gain confidence and no longer care that I am not the same...it is so painfully clear that I stand alone.  What is crazy is that I don't want to be a cookie cutter person and god forbid I'm described as 'normal', I just want to be accepted as Natalie and how can I expect that from the outside world when I can barely accept it from myself.  I keep telling myself that it's better to just be me and let others decide how they feel rather than try and blend and hope I'm grouped with everyone else that is liked...even as I say it I know in my soul that it would last less than five minutes and I would have to break free from that prison too.  I can hear it in my head 'not everyone will appreciate and like this new you', but the reality is that this is not new...not to me anyway, this is who I am and it hurts to just be who I am.  The first change I have to make is me, I have to either be brave enough to stand out or forever be seen as 'normal' and live an unfulfilling life that I have no business being part of.  I'm already 36 years old and at some point I have to stop beating myself up for how I feel and just accept the fact that not everyone is going to stay regardless of the Natalie I present so why not just be the passionate, crazy, intense, weirdo I am and at least be happy with myself. 


I can hear her upstairs playing with her brother and it makes me so happy I want to cry but I'm so sick of crying I decide to laugh.  It would kill me if one of my children felt embarrassed and had to hide who they were for fear of backlash...what kind of example have I been setting all these years? 

Changing Directions

I changed my flight and flew straight to our daughter rather than home with Dan; I was feeling a little guilty and wanted to see her sooner rather than later.  The vacation was amazing and it was nice to know that not everything had changed.  I imagine that if Dan and I could still travel together often we might not be going through this but I can't say for sure and that seems irrelevant right now.  

I was a little happy to fly alone after the weekend, I wanted to sort through my thoughts and figure out how I was going to pull off monthly visits to the Big Apple.  I loved going to Leann's and the past few months have been great but I know it is not solving my issues and is likely creating more.  My hope is that if I stop going there often then John will slide aways from my memory and the anxiety I have around him will just disappear.  Trying to get John to open up to me is futile especially since he won't even meet me anymore; I have to stop thinking about him because it brings a sick feeling to my gut and tears to my eyes.  I don't think I will ever see him again and the loneliness returns wondering if we will ever even speak again.  I was finally pulled away from my thoughts and feelings when the flight attendant offered me a drink; I wanted a whisky straight up but decided on a water and coffee, alcohol would only nurture the sadness and I wanted it to vacate.  It's funny how someone can just walk into your life and innocently shake its very foundation.  I'm glad I met John, I know that we share something very real and maybe the whole purpose of him in my life was to offer me comfort in my darkness.  He is just like me...except he has the switch and chooses to go numb...sometimes I envy him and other times I ache for him.  I finally feel okay letting him go, I still have a lot of work to do and I'm spinning my wheels with him.  I am so excited to see what happens next, I have a few more trips to Leann's, a month at home and then...Manhattan.  

The plane touched down and I felt rested and rejuvenated and more importantly I felt happy and excited.  I have no idea how I am going to pull off the next phase of this crazy journey, but I have the best co-pilot a woman could ever want or need...I just have to get through the next six weeks...I can do this!

Still Lost VIIII

We got a call last night from Dan's parents stating that our daughter had to go to the emergency; she has never had to go to the hospital for anything and now both her parents are in Los Angeles because her mother is a mess.  That did not help me feel any better at all and Dan could see it all over my face.  I need to get  grip and just relax.  She is with her grandparents, they raised four boys and all lived to tell about it; this is not a big deal.  I find that lately I cannot escape this self loathing phase and I'm just about done with it.  I grab Dan and sit at the table in our condo, "I need you to help me think my way out of this hell I've been putting myself through".  He just nods and I imagine he is just as exhausted as I am talking about this.  "I feel that at the beginning this was fun and now I have learned to hate myself and maybe most disturbing I feel like I am falling into a depression as a way to punish myself".  I felt bad and good at the same time for telling him this; I want him to know where I'm at emotionally at all times but I felt bad for constantly being all over the place.  "Natalie I think you need to relax, there's is no reason to feel bad.  We agreed on this, I am okay with our situation and I don't want you to feel bad for taking time for yourself".  It was like everything just kind of vanished...no more guilt or anxiety, he took it all away.  "Are we crazy for this?"  He laughed at me, "of course we are, but if we weren't crazy we'd have far more regrets and have not done everything we have".  He's right, Dan and I have an amazing life and I love that I get him forever and it's going to be a long life so I should be okay taking the time I need to ensure the rest of my life is just as beautiful as the first eight years with him.  "So you are really okay with me being away and on line dating?"  He grabbed two beer out of the fridge and handed me one, it was literally 9 am, "I'm doing everything you are, and we are not the same people we used to be.  I think it's okay if every few years we take time to have a life of our own this way we are together because we choose to be and not out of habit".  We clinked our bottles and drank.  It's crazy to think that we are okay taking a year or so for ourselves...do people do this?  I really don't think it's a bad thing if I want a year to do anything I want every eight to ten years; it's my life and I should be able to live it however I want and I am not hurting anyone.  Dan and I may have the perfect marriage...for us anyway.

We decided to check out and drive the coast for a bit and get lunch before we headed back to the airport.  We went back to the taco stand and sat by the ocean, "Dan I need to switch up my escapes.  I love going away and meeting people but I am at Leann's too often and I find it does nothing to scratch my itch".  He grabbed his Corona, "What were you thinking?"  I took a deep breath and I felt confident and secure for the first time in months, "I'd rather go away once a month but somewhere different".  I could see his eyes through his sunglasses and I knew he was about to give me everything I wanted...

Still Lost VIII

I find it interesting that when Dan and I shelve the marriage and slide into friends how easy everything becomes.  I imagine it's because it takes away all the guilt and insecurities I have surrounding it.  We had an amazing day of shopping, eating and constantly failing to find the Hollywood sign; it seemed like we were always looking across from it and just couldn't nail down the location.  It was fine though because driving around with Dan was always a fun adventure.  Travelling together was never an issue for us and I was relieved that we could still enjoy it effortlessly.  I caught myself staring at him several times and feeling so angry at myself for changing and being a complete fucking mess.  I remember over the years thinking I am so happy I get him forever, he is amazing in every way and I never ever wanted more...eight years later and I wonder what's missing...from me, not him.  It bothers me that Dan is so well put together, like he's never had a struggle in his life and everything seems to just roll off of him.  I start to wonder if anything actually bothers him or if he is just really good at hiding it...I wish I was good at hiding it, I've become an emotional nightmare with drive but no direction.  I want to go back, I want my life back and my feelings and my emotional stability.  At the beginning of my journey I felt desire and excitement like this was all going to be the path to show me what I was missing then I would slide right back into my perfect life...that is not the case though and now I wonder if I should have even started this or just drank the juice and been okay feeling empty.  The only issue is that if I do that then Dan is married to a step ford wife and I would still be pretending to be something I am not...happy and whole.  I would give just about anything to get that switch from John, but I imagine that is about as helpful as the juice...you know something is missing but can easily ignore it because you're numb.  I feel sad for John, I wonder if he ever misses connecting with people or feeling at all.  I have to get him out of my head because he can trigger emotion in me without a single word...he holds a key but won't share it and that alone makes me feel crazy.  I pull myself out of my thoughts and concentrate on my husband...thank god I still love him and want him for the rest of my life, I fucking hope this journey is just about over because I fear my marriage will be soon if not.

Still Lost VII

I woke feeling like I did every Sunday morning at Leann's.  I could hear Dan walking around and going through our luggage, "what are you looking for?"  He didn't even turn around, "I need Advil and my shorts".  I told him to check my toiletries bag and rolled back over.  I could hear him shake the bottle of pills and turn on the water, "do you want a couple?"  I think I grumbled something that resembled a "yes" but even I couldn't tell.  He tapped me on the shoulder and fed me the Advil.  "I'm going swimming for a bit".  Oh my god, I'm pretty sure I'm still intoxicated and he's going into the ocean.  "Will you please grab coffee on your way back?"  I heard the door close and I'm going to pray very hard that he heard me.

Last night was the most fun we have had together in a long time.  We pub crawled the entire boardwalk and made our way to the main strip, it reminded me of when we first met.  I almost forgot how funny and interesting my own husband was; he may be the greatest company I have ever had.  He is considerate, exciting, hilarious, intelligent, handsome and a complete gentleman to me even after eight years.  Dan never once brought up our marriage last night or my struggles or sadness, he just let go with me; I need a friend more than a husband right now and he just easily makes the adjustment.  I wish I could be more to him; I wish I was more like him, balanced, untouched and genuinely happy.  I just need to find the better version of myself.

I finally got out of bed and laid in the shower, we were going to try and find the Hollywood sign and do some shopping today.  I could hear Dan come back I had a sinking feeling because he deserves better and when you know better you do better...but what if I don't know how?  I grab my bath robe and meet him in the kitchen area; I was happy to see him and coffee.  I looked over to see my phone was lighting up; my stomach started to turn because I immediately thought of John.  I didn't even bother to check, I have to concentrate on Dan and he deserves everything I have left.

Still Lost VI

The flight was pretty uneventful and after waiting for over an hour in line at the car rental company we were finally hitting the coast to our favourite taco stand.  We managed to score a convertible and we took full advantage...after we read all directions on how to actually put the top down.  Okay, so three hours after touch down in LA and we are finally driving the coast, well we're more like stuck in grid lock on the freeway and cooking in the unforgiving sun.  This is about right for our vacations, but if I have to be stuck in a car I wouldn't pick anyone else; I wondered if he still felt like that.  By the time we reached the stand we were both famished and ordered far more food then we could possibly eat at one meal.  We sat out at a table by the ocean and discussed our plans for the weekend, I really wanted to walk to the Hollywood sign and we wanted to check out some places on Sunset BLVD...other than that we'll stay in Venice Beach and enjoy the weather, water and pubs.

We finally found our condo and parked the car.  It was beautiful and beach front.  The weather was perfect and we were finally feeling relaxed by the time we got settled, "wanna grab a drink?"  He smiled, "definitely, let's do a pub crawl and check this place out".  Dan may be my favourite friend ever, I can do absolutely anything with him and always feel comfortable.  We have never had a struggle in our marriage, and now with so much changing I wonder if we have the tools to make it through and come out the other side.  Dan and I don't fight, we don't yell or name call, we just talk and discuss...I've heard people say that fighting makes a relationship stronger and I really hope that is just a myth.  After all Dan and I have gotten through so much together without ever turning on one another.  We've trekked through countries for weeks at a time, we were struck in a storm on a boat in the Irish Sea, we were robbed of all of our money, ID and passports in Bosnia and never once said a mean thing to one another.  When times were tough we just became closer friends and stuck together; so what had changed?  Why was I not doing that now?

We grabbed a seat on the patio of a pub and ordered some drinks, we didn't talk much and the more I think about it the harder it becomes to strike up conversation.  "Let's just put the marriage away for now and just enjoy this".  He always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better and relaxed.  We grabbed our drinks and clinked the bottles...

Still Lost V

Dan and I had a routine when it came to flying and travelling together.  It was usually effortless to get him to the airport a couple hours early, probably because it was easier for him to give in to my anxiety then have to deal with it in a long lineup.  After we make it through security and customs we find a restaurant and eat.  It's become a joke because we hate airport food, it's over priced and bland but it has become part of our ritual so I order eggs...and a beer to wash it down.  After we eat we go and grab a magazine and water.  It makes me laugh because Dan always grabs something to read that is so off the wall and then looks at me and says "then we can swap".  Apparently he thinks I'm interested in popular science, I can barely speak scientific language let alone understand it; he finally smiles and grabs a Maxim.  We grab coffees and find our gate, it occurs to me again that this will be our first trip together since our daughter and I have to push aside the fear and make room for the excitement.

Dan and I always board the plane first, we love to people watch together and we always bonded over being jerks. He had the middle seat but I took it because even in his thirties he still feels awkward sitting next to strangers, it still makes me smile.  I look over and he's reading and trying to find his headphones.  "Dan I'm scared".  He holds my hand and smiles, "I'm sure the flight will be fine".  I almost forgot I was afraid to fly, "I'm afraid what this vacation will tell us about our marriage".  He closed his magazine and took out his headphones, "Natalie it's better to find out now and whatever it tells us, we'll adjust and deal with it".  Part of me wanted to hug him for being so understanding and the other part of me wanted to punch him for being so understanding...this man is unshakable and it made me a little jealous.

I found my headphones and picked a movie.  Five and a half hours till touch down in the sunshine state, I have to try and be better.  I feel like it's overtime and there's only a few seconds left on the marriage clock and I have the ball...

Still Lost IV

This week was not nearly as bad as I expected.  There were times it felt like a chore to stay focused on my home life and wondered how long I could possibly keep this up for.  I imagined it was how addicts felt when they just had to take it one day at a time...it gave me a deeper respect for those that managed to stay on track and not relapse.  I'm aware that part of my success this week is due to reorganizing and mapping out my next escape; I can easily get lost in making and dreaming about future plans. 

I didn't want to get out of bed yet but I have to drop off my daughter with my in-laws and round trip it's about seven hours.  We fly out tomorrow for the weekend and it scares me because so much had changed I hope travelling is still something we enjoy doing together.  I wonder what will happen if our shared passion is no longer something that can connect us.  I roll over and stare at my husband and I now look at him the same way I do my children...why is this not enough?  I couldn't imagine not having him next to me as I go through life, I always told him "I'm so happy I get you forever" and he would flash me his smile and say "oh yeah, when did that start?"  I feel so lost and confused, I don't want to continue to float away from my friends and family but at the same time I just don't know how to stop and worse I can't understand why I feel this need to let go.

I crawl out of bed and head for the shower, this line of thinking has become a cycle without any new answers.  My reality is that I'm looking for something but I have no idea what it is or looks like, no one can help me but the one person I need to understand and support me does, and he does it blindly because he knows even less.  I finally feel this surge of excitement run through me and I can't wait to run away with my love.

I can hear her talking with Dan when I'm drying off and she always makes me laugh with her 'matter of fact' statements.  I have no idea how I am going to pull it off but for the next four days I am going to be an absolute delight to be around.  Twenty-four hour till wheels up and another proving ground that adds nausea to my everlasting anxiety...I can do it, I have to.

Still Lost III

I decided the rest of my week would be spent playing during the days and planning for our trip in the evenings.  Dan and I would spend weeks planning trips, we would put on music, have a drink and talk about everything we wanted to do and see; we had become the perfect travel companions.  We could spend several weeks on trains back packing through countries or a couple weeks in our two door car driving across the States...I missed that.  I have an ache in my heart for missing the life we used to have because truth be told, we only changed our life for our daughter.  I have wondered if that makes me a bad mother, or I guess a worse mother.  It feels strange to say it out loud and is just another catalyst for tears.  I love my children and if I could change anything it would not be them it would be myself.  I almost wish I could be that woman who lives for their children but then I always think...what do those women do when the children grow up, get their own lives and move on?  I imagine they go through what I am struggling with right now.  I want to find the perfect balance for myself and my family.  I want to love all corners of my life and no longer wonder what else there is and know there is nothing missing from me anymore.  I wonder if there are people that feel like I do but are much better at faking it; do they secretly wish for freedom and ache for a chance to live outside of their routine?  I imagine those people who have everything laid out right down to meals decided on a weekly basis...work, pay bills, friday date night, tuesday pot roast night, movie on Saturday...it would feel like a personal hell for me.  I am not built or wired for routine and whether that happened years ago or not is irrelevant because it is not an option for me and thankfully it isn't anything Dan desires either.  I can feel myself fall away from those that nurture the life I cannot have and I have no idea anymore if it is because I want to want that life or if it is because I hate it so much that I can't even look at it.  I try my best not to judge others and hope that it is really just me judging myself.  If different isn't wrong...why does it make me feel so bad?

Still Lost II

I felt emotionally exhausted by the time I finally said my last word.  I don't think I could shed another tear for the rest of the week; everything was on the table and to be fair I didn't know if I felt better or worse.  My fear was that I made myself feel better and in turn made Dan feel worse...what more could I possibly do to this man?  I could feel him squeeze my hand, "so you found someone that shares this darkness and you want to spend time with them?"  He really made that sound a lot less dramatic then I did, "yeah, pretty much".  He looked at me like I was leaving something out or hiding a key piece of information, I had to think back to make sure I threw everything up and I was sure I had.  "So what's the problem then?"  Wait, what? I was caught off guard, the issue is obviously that I want to spend time with him...clearly that was an issue, right?  "I feel guilty for wanting to spend time with him and for feeling upset when he cancels".  I could see him nodding out of the corner of my eye, "I think it makes sense Natalie.  Maybe you feel lonely because you have never met anyone that shares that with you".  Seriously?  How is it possible that I am married to the most balanced beautiful man in the world?  I wonder if he ever thinks the same, but reversed of course.  "The only issue is that he won't share his with me so I don't know how to go about it".  I could feel him staring at me, "Huh, I wonder how that would feel when all you want to do is be a part of that special space but aren't allowed access".  Ouch!  I get it but the difference is that Dan has never had darkness I would just be showing him my trauma and it would only hurt him...I couldn't possibly do more to hurt him.  I can barely function when it comes flooding back to me and I've had it most of my life, it would destroy him and at this point I'd walk away before I shared that with him.  I wanted to respond but there was no point because we both had a strong stance and neither was budging.  He stood up from the table and finished his coffee, he had to leave for work.  He walked back to me and kissed my cheek, "I don't think you're doing anything wrong and I hope that this offers you light.  It's okay Natalie".  Even I was starting to question if I was really 'ok', nothing seemed okay anymore.  I felt like I was just venturing farther and farther away from my life and family and the farther I went the farther I wanted to go.  "Dan, nothing has changed for me in the last few months of going to Leann's, I think after my next couple of visits I need to change directions".  He just nodded and grabbed his computer, "find whatever you are missing, just let me know what this leg of the journey will look like"...the door closed and he was off to work.

I decided to delete John off of my phone and move on, the fact that the thought made me sick was all I needed to know I should stay away from him.  I was relieved that Monday morning guilt therapy was over and everything was in the open...I seriously have no idea how Dan can be so understanding.

I could hear her coming down the stairs and it always makes me smile to see those big blue eyes and bouncing curls.  "Mama pancakes?"  I scoop her up and kiss her chubby cheeks, "you bet bird, should we add chocolate chips and bananas?"

Still Lost

That was the shortest drive home, probably because I couldn't pull myself together and just needed more time.  But there is no more time; staying with Leann and living a single life on weekends was not doing anything for me in regards to finding what is missing in my life nor is my liver liking me much these days.  I love visiting with her and meeting new people but I feel no differently now then I did a few months ago so there is no point continuing on that path.  I already made plans for a couple of weekends after California but then I think I need to regroup and try a different angle.  I don't think I slept a wink last night and Monday morning guilt therapy was going to be an epic disaster...why couldn't I just be 'normal' and have an affair then lie about it, that would be way easier then the conversation I was going to have in about half an hour.  I grabbed my phone and headed for the kitchen, Dan at least deserved eggs to go along with his disappointment.

I checked my messages while I waited for coffee and finally just deleted my account, there was no reason to keep it up and active.  I had some texts from Christian and Leann but not another word from John.  I wondered what his last text said, I imagine it was just a good bye but I couldn't stomach to see the words light up on my screen.  I could hear Dan get out of the shower so I started the eggs and did my best to talk myself down off the guilt ledge.  I kept playing the conversation in my head and the longer I did this the more I felt like it was going to be an intense game of me trying to convince this beautiful man that I'm okay...when we both know that may be the only lie I have actually told...to both of us.  In all honesty I know I am sick and I know I need Laura but I just can't do it, I cannot contact her yet.  It's driving Dan crazy knowing someone can help but I refuse to go.  I just keep promising myself that once I know what is missing then I'll deal with the rest of my baggage but not before that.

Dan finally comes around the corner and doesn't even hesitate to hug and kiss me; I have no idea how he puts up with me.  He only makes everything I do more heart breaking and he doesn't even realize it...that's how amazing he is.  I plated food while he grabbed the coffee and we met at the table, our usual Monday morning date was under way and I wanted to throw up before I even ate.  "You got home early yesterday, everything okay?"  Dan was working on his music when I arrived home and I didn't interrupt, instead I got in the shower, cried for an hour and finally fell asleep before he made it to bed.  "No it's not.  I'm really scared I may have crossed a line".  This is what made him amazing, he just put his fork down and held my hand, "okay, what happened?"  The only thing worse then telling your best friend you fucked up is probably crying about it and still feeling like you want to be on the other side of the line.  I have to remind myself that I can't choose how I feel but I can choose how I act...just be honest, I've come this far.  I could feel the tears in my eyes and I knew if that started then I'd be a sobbing mess that wouldn't be able to have the discussion, so I do what I do best...I just start talking and hope he knows me well enough to be able to comprehend my babbling.  

Finding the Edge XXIII

I woke and left early this morning.  I took Mya out for a pee and fed her, grabbed my bags and drank the water...there was no need for Advil this morning...well not for me, I left them beside Leann.  I hated the thought of leaving because it confirmed that I wasn't going to see John, like if I just prolonged the drive he might just call me and meet me for a coffee.  That was not going to happen, I knew he flipped the switch after his last message and it didn't matter why because I would never have the answer.  I left Leann a note and left before we got caught up in recalling the events, besides I had eight hours of doing that before I got home.

I filled up the car and bought a coffee before I hit the edge of town, I could feel my stomach churn and tears fill my eyes.  I seriously have eight hours to get over this shit because I have no idea how to even explain this to Dan let alone myself.  I need to mentally prepare myself to be a better version of me this week because we are going to California and I refuse to pout the whole time and ruin it for my love.  Hopefully if my thoughts change then so will my emotions...it's worth a shot.  My first change has to be John, I have to let him go because the reality is that he will never give me what I want and whatever my obsession has become with him has to stop because the price is far too high for me to pay.  The thought of never seeing him again makes me want to puke and the anxiety is creeping up fast.  I'm so scared and the worst part is not knowing why, what happened to make me fear losing someone I don't even know?  I'm angry at him and want to yell and scream but part of me holds on to the thought that he may be protecting me from him...but that's clearly delusional.  I pulled over and grabbed my phone, "Yo Robocop, I'm just leaving and wanted to say good bye.  I'm not back for a few weeks but I just don't think this is going to work...and lucky for me nothing even started as you so nicely pointed out.  Take care and keep those streets safe.  Good bye John".  I jumped out of my car and threw up, I hope this is the process of getting over it and moving on.  At least I know I'm not back for a few weeks and I also know that John will not contact me...he's way too proud for that.  I could hear a car pull up as I hung my head, I tilted my head just a little and could see it was a cop...dear God please strike me dead.  It wasn't John, it was the other cop that brought me my ID.  I wiped my mouth and tried my best to smile, what the hell was he doing here?  "Are we going to make this a recurring date on Sunday mornings? I just need to know so I can start bringing you water".  I just flashed him a smile, "are you asking me out?"  We stood in silence for what felt like forever, I have no idea what he wants or what I'm supposed to say.  "Are you okay?" I just nodded and spared him my story, I didn't feel like sharing and part of me wondered how much he already knew.  "Why does he call you Irish?"  The question startled me a little, "because I'm German".  At least this cop has a sense of humour and can smile.  "He calls me Irish because I'm challenging and feisty, he can make me spin and feel like I'm on fire.  He pulls out my crazy and intensity".  He crossed his arms and leaned against my overly dirty car.  I still have no idea what he wants from me, "officer is there a reason for this visit?"  He looked at the ground and shrugged his shoulders, "I guess I was wondering what was leaving this young lady sick on the side of the road two weeks in a row".  That was fair, I mean the guy is a cop and this could be concerning...but I didn't buy it for one minute.  "Just rough weekends I guess.  Am I free to go?"  I looked up and he was staring at me, it made me feel a little nervous but I couldn't tell from all the anxiety still flooding my body.  "You're free to go Natalie, I hope to meet you under different circumstances another time.  Drive safe, and stop texting."  He knew my name?  When he returned my ID he called me Irish...what the hell just happened?

I jumped back in my car and put my head on the steering wheel, it's time to make the changes.  I love the edge but I need a different version of it, something that allows me to run away but also keeps me away from John.  My phone lit up and it was John, there was no point in reading it...my heart sunk as I pressed delete.  Sunroof open, music up and eight hours to reshape my escapes...

Finding the Edge XXII

Leann and I spent most of Saturday morning on her couch, we decided some fresh air would probably help so we took Mya for a walk around the park.  It was nice to be outside and the closer it got to the evening the more excited I got to see John.  I had no idea what was on the agenda for tonight, it would be difficult to top last time.  We talked everyday and for most of the days and I could feel our relationship shifting from one that started as an interest in dating to one that was now based solely on friendship.  John never spoke inappropriately to me and basically spent his time winding me up to watch me spin but when I was upset or pushed too far he would flip the switch, the light would come on and he was a protector...I imagined he treated his son the same way.  I wondered if he seen my darkness and sadness, maybe it's my own that makes him question his...but my fear at this point is that he can so easily flip that switch and walk away without a single feeling around me.  I could feel myself start to tear up and hoped I could hold it back to avoid explaining to Leann.  John became a secret of mine, I mean people knew of him but I said very little about either of us.  He valued privacy and for some reason I wanted to respect that in spades...I never even questioned it.

Leanna and I crawled under a tree to get some shade and relax.  I could see she was already fading fast and I'm certain the only thing keeping me afloat is my excitement.  I reached in my jacket to grab my phone so we could listen to music and chat for a bit, I could see John messaged me and I immediately felt like throwing up.  "Irish, I'm sorry but I have to cancel again for work.  I'll text you when I get back to the city".  I don't even think I realized the tears pouring out of my eyes until I had to wipe them off my phone.  I feared dry heaving was next to deal with the anxiety that was flooding my body, I became panicked and scared, sick and anxious like my world was falling away from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it...WTF Natalie?  These dates were supposed to mean nothing and be nothing of significance, so why am I feeling like this.  I should have just texted back 'no worries Robocop, hopefully I'll see you next time and take care' but I didn't and I couldn't.  I felt paralyzed and embarrassed that what I wanted to do was beg him to meet me.  I don't think I had one rational thought the entire time we were sitting under the tree.  Leann was talking but I couldn't focus on anything she was saying and I was trying to keep myself under control otherwise she would know and if she knew then I would never hear the end of it.  Okay, relax Natalie!  It's not like you're in love with the cop, you just want to connect with him regarding your own stuff...you want to stand in his darkness and hope it brings you a better understanding of your own.  I almost wished it was love, it would be so much easier but John is the only person on earth I know for sure is like me...I can see his so clearly it is what connects us.  I know we have a special bond and now I know for sure he can see mine and he knows I seen his the first night...perhaps he pulled me over to verify his thoughts or fear. I seen another text and hoped for a split second he was able to make it.  It was Christian, "hey do you and Leann want to come to leo's tonight?"  I didn't even bother to ask her at this point because it would lead to questions around John cancelling and I wasn't confident I could pull off a casual conversation that doesn't wreak of desperation.  "Sure, we'll meet you there after 9pm".  I liked Christian, he was becoming a good friend and it's not often people can handle Leann and I together.

We grabbed Mya and headed for the car, I really needed some water and alone time.  I told Leann I was going to take a nap when we got in the house and went to my room.  It felt great to lay on the bed and just cry uncontrollably; I was pretty dehydrated after last night so I couldn't have much left.  I grabbed my phone, "this is over isn't it?"  The response was almost too immediate, I thought he was working.  "Irish, it never even started".  It was like having all the wind sucked out of my sails and I felt sick.  I'm never going to see him again and I don't know how to let go of him, he's all I have to prove I'm not alone...

Finding the Edge XXI

I'm getting a little too old to spend my weekends drinking and throwing up and that pretty much sums up how they have been for a few months.  Mya is sleeping beside me and just beside her is my Advil and water, this is my new routine and I'm embarrassed.  This is not doing anything to fill what is missing in me but I love spending so much time with Leann and having my own social life.  I almost wished the dating wasn't so exciting but it is, I've met some people I hope to always be friends with.  It's funny how many people are going through what I am and I find that I am gravitating towards them, it's a comfort I've ached for.  This is no longer about dating or affairs and has become a way for me to escape loneliness...Dan cannot help me with this as he is untouched by darkness. 

Leann crawled into bed with Mya and I, I loved this part of my trip.  She and I had so much history and it felt nice to be with her; we spent a lot of time reminiscing about our university years, she knows it offers me comfort.  Last night we met Eno and he might be one of the most interesting people I have ever had the pleasure to meet.  He's a surfer and has been all around the world and surfed in some of the craziest places, he went to Cambridge law school in England and is getting ready to write the bar exam.  This guy is only 28 years old and his history is packed.  He was witty and clever, well educated and travelled and really handsome.  I couldn't help but think about Dan, he would like Eno and have so much to talk about.  Using a dating site to meet friends is brilliant, now if only I could bring Dan so he can meet all these people too...how awkward would that be?  It occurred to me that I still haven't heard from Robocop and I was a little worried, "Yo cop, see you tonight.  Hope you are alive and well".  I could hear Leann sleeping beside me so I crawled out of bed and laid in the bath with the shower on. 

I need a new plan, a new direction because although I love meeting people and having time to myself I feel like I am gone too often and not really doing anything to fill my void.  I don't understand, I thought for sure this was going to help me but it's not because if I pay attention to myself I know the loneliness hasn't left.  What's missing from me?  I don't even know where to start to look because I don't know what I'm looking for.  I'm pulled out of my thoughts by Leann throwing up beside me and I hope to God I don't start too.  I'm a little excited and scared to see John tonight, I have no idea how he does what he does to me but I like it...the guilt easily triggers the nausea, move over Leann.

Finding the Edge XX

This morning I decided to wait around and have breakfast with Dan and little miss, I was still feeling really good and I wanted to finish out the week incase the weekend chased it away.  The only problem with leaving later in the morning is the rush hour traffic, but it didn't bother me today.  Dan and I had a great time together over breakfast, it was so nice to not talk about our marriage.  We all walked to the mailbox and stopped at the park on the way home.  I think I should have felt anxious about not being on the road yet but I didn't, I finally felt the way I think most people do or are supposed to.

The eight hour drive was less than miserable today, it was beautiful out and the fresh air felt great.  I tried my best to keep John from my thoughts because it made me sick to think he is the reason for my great mood.  The week started off miserable and the closer it got to today the better I felt; except for right now because now I feel awful for knowing it.  I still don't understand the hold this man has over me so I stop trying to, I'm just going to spend time with him and hope it doesn't get out of hand.  I did feel a little relieved and happy that I wasn't racing to leave my house this morning, in fact it made me a little sad to leave for another weekend.  This morning was the closest I've felt to 'normal' in a long time.  This was my last weekend with Leann for a few weeks because Dan and I are headed to Venice Beach next weekend.  We have not been alone for so long and I wondered if we would feel the same as we used to...and what would happen if we didn't.  I mean I can tell myself everyday that we will be okay and this is just a crisis and everything will go back to the way it was but next weekend would be the proving ground for if that was possible, or worse, if we even wanted that anymore.  It's so incredibly amazing how quickly I can suck all of the positive energy out of myself and replace it with fear, anxiety and guilt.  I never thought I would become the woman who would rather live in ignorance then with knowledge but it terrified me at the thought that Dan and I may no longer share the same path in life.  I could feel my body get warm and my stomach turn, I just need a little more time.

I could see my phone light up, "Irish I'm sorry but I have to cancel tonight because I'm out executing warrants.  Can we meet tomorrow night instead?"  I already knew that John's job was demanding and he may not always be able to follow through on plans, it was okay because I was meeting the lawyer tomorrow night with Leann so I'll just switch them around.  "No worries officer, see you tomorrow and be safe".  I pulled over to text Leann and the lawyer and tell them about the change of plans and made sure to leave out the reason for the change.  Can you imagine how the lawyer would feel, Leann on the other hand couldn't care less because she was enjoying the ride almost more than I was these days.  I was getting close to the city and wondered if Robocop was around, I thought about him way too much but it offered me comfort that I couldn't even explain to myself.  Is it possible to successfully lie to yourself?  I hope not because that would mean I've also been lying to my husband and my honesty is all I have left to show Dan that I love him.

Finding the Edge XVIIII

I felt amazing when I opened my eyes this morning, I rolled over and Dan was sleeping like a baby.  I wanted to kiss his nose but didn't want to wake him so I made my way downstairs to start breakfast.  I threw some turkey bacon in a pan, scrambled some eggs and threw some bread in the toaster, coffee is brewing, the sun is shining...so why not send a text and maybe answer a few messages while I wait for breakfast to be ready.  "Good morning Robocop, you still alive?"  It occurred to me that if anything happened to John I would never know, it made me a little sad; I wouldn't know if he just left or if something terrible happened.  I guess that's just the way it is, I'm doubtful he would add me as his next of kin and I'm certain the ex-wife wouldn't call me; why would she, I'm just a text friend to him.  I logged into my profile and still had an obscene amount of previous messages I haven't answered plus extra from the past few days; this must be what it's like to answer fan mail...from lunatics no less.  I mean it's not like this is the bachelorette and there's no such thing as a bad catch, in fact most of these people are undatable...it makes me laugh thinking about Seinfeld and the episode where Jerry and Elaine talk about most of the population being undatable...I should really watch that show again.  Shit, bacon's burning and I can hear Dan in the shower.  Ugh, I'm having trouble focusing on the task at hand.  I flip my phone over and close the computer, the least I can do is give Dan my full attention for half an hour in the morning.

I waited at the table for Dan with a full breakfast and hot coffee, I was a little excited to feel this way again and share it with him.  He walked in and looked almost over dressed, "you going to a wedding or funeral?"  He laughed at me, "I have a breakfast meeting, sorry I should have said something last night".  He walked over grabbed a piece of bacon, kissed my cheek and left for work.  I felt so deflated and didn't feel like I had any right to feel anything since he likely felt like this everyday.  I just cleaned up since my appetite was lost and grabbed my coffee and computer.  I checked my phone first, "Yeah I'm still alive, been out on calls all night so I'll hit you back later".  At least I know he's alive so that's good.  I logged back on and seen some messages from George, I liked this man and really hoped he would spend time fixing his marriage rather than trolling dating sites...says the pot to the kettle.  I constantly questioned and challenged him in the hopes that he would just bite the bullet and either head to counselling or cut her loose.  He explained that he was now chatting with a woman that was from the east coast that may or may not be moving to Alberta.  Talk about playing it safe, she may as well be a fictional character.   He clearly just wants some attention, someone to tell him he's a great man and someone worth having; I know he hasn't had that in over a year.  I make a note to always tell Dan how much I love him, he's clearly the best man in the world...who could argue?  My support group is coming along great; I always look forward to touching base with George, John, Robert and the young guy who still tries to get me to date him.  It makes me wonder who this support group is really for, but why would I need it?  I try to shake the thought because it's almost disturbing.  I mean I have a great support team, I am loved and have great friends and family; why would I need strangers to validate me?  This is crazy...but I know there is truth here and it hurts my heart because I wonder what is wrong with me that I cannot just turn to those around me.  I tell Dan everything and never lie...except for my darkness, that is completely off limits to him.  I have developed this thought in my head that if he doesn't know then when I finally deal with it it will be out of my life forever...no traces.  I've kept the darkness locked away this long I just need a few more months to figure it out, maybe I don't need Laura.

I can hear her coming down the stairs and when she turns the corner she makes my heart melt.  It's so bittersweet for me, I love her to pieces and everyday she is a constant reminder of everything I missed with my son.  I hug her tight enough for both and send him a text, "I am so proud of the young man you are becoming, I love you more than pudding".  He always giggled when I told him that growing up, the reality comes flooding back that those days will never come around again and whatever I missed is long gone.  I will never be able to apologize enough, my heart feels forever broken...

Finding the Edge XVIII

"Yo Irish, we still on for Friday?"  I guess if i have to be woken up this is the best kind of alarm.  "It depends, are you going to let me drive the car and shoot the gun?"  John makes me laugh, he makes me feel like my world is different and I know it is wrong and I should see Laura but I won't and my only hope is that I go before it's too late.  "You must be crazy, last time you almost hit me with your car I'm not going to let you shoot me with my own gun".  It made me laugh so hard I woke up Dan...Fuck!  I crawled out of bed and took my phone downstairs.  I was feeling much better today and the fact that it all started with a text does not escape me.

I grab a coffee and start my daily dose of self loathing, I've become so good at it I feel like I can recite it backwards.  The only thing that makes me feel worse than my behaviours is the fact that I don't want to stop, and now I'm even starting to block out my own lectures as if I'm rolling my eyes at my mother and just nodding  to agree in the hopes that will make her stop.  Okay, I need a new game plan because I am able to figure some things out, first of all I really love travelling and meeting new people so I am not giving that up, however I don't feel like I need the actual affair anymore...I think.  I need to reconnect with my family but that only seems like something I should try if I can pull off the whole 'wanting to be here attitude'.  I want to have it all and do it all and I don't want to feel like this ever again but I don't want to see Laura...great, I'm back at square one.  At least now I feel focused and driven to find a solution, I'm excited that I have the 'want' to do this.  I do love going to Leann's on the weekends but I think it may be too frequent to continue to do and also have my marriage.  I would rather live in misery then walk away from Dan; the only issue is Dan would never allow that and I'm hardly a good enough actress to pull off a fake smile for the next fifty years...I can barely do it five minutes without being driven to tears.  I've become a motivational speaker in my kitchen that has no real direction other than I want to have everything, not hurt anyone, feel normal without being seen as normal, emotionally balanced without being emotionally stunted.  I need balance but I don't want Laura, not yet...I don't want to feel okay knowing I want to change my life and can't, I just need to do it appropriately.  The one pillar I always have is Dan and I know that is only because I have always been open and honest, at least I know I am doing something right and it may be all I have but right now it's all I need.

Dan comes around the corner and my face lights up, I can feel the warmth in my tummy and it makes me happy and relieved that I still have those feelings for my husband.  I can see my phone light up from John, I just flip it over grab our plates and meet Dan at the table.  I don't want a fix right now, I want my husband...

Finding the Edge XVII

I woke more tired then when I went to sleep, I must have been chatting till about 4am with John.  Our conversations remind me of Seinfeld episodes and are really about nothing at all.  I have no idea why we even talk anymore since we have nothing in common and haven't seen each other since the night we first met, unless you count the time he pulled me over for five minutes.  I find that he makes my days easier and I think it's because he keeps my mind occupied while my toddler has me running mini marathons all day.  He finally makes plans with me again and we're going to meet for a drink on friday; my only request is a better pub and a chance to drive the police car again...he agrees to both.  Once a day he brings out the fire in me and I love it because it reminds me of who I used to be and I know that is another reason I cling to him and the hope I'll see him again.

Dan is still asleep and I want to continue my breakfasts with him all week so I carefully get out of bed and make my way to the kitchen.  John is already texting me and has been up all night due to being called out to an emergency...it is so difficult to put him on hold for anyone else in my life and I can feel the guilt creep up.  I start cracking eggs and get lost in my thoughts about John.  I wonder and worry about spending too much time with him or talking with him, I find he has become a regular part of my life and daily routine and I know that is not good.  I know I am attracted to his darkness, recklessness and the way he can bring me to the edge and then pull me back.  He could ruin me easily and I think he knows it.  I start to wonder what my daily life at home will be like if I start to spend a lot of time with him...I'm scared I'll never want to come home.  John always lives on the edge and I don't think he remembers any other way, his addiction is now the only life he knows and when he's not working he is knee deep in whisky listening to sad music like he just broke up with his high school girlfriend.  My heart aches for him because I can't imagine him ever having real genuine pure love in his life, except for his son.  I know I don't want that, I want the edge but not permanently; I'm broken enough and one day would like to feel whole for my children.  I feel like I just need more time, I need to go back and fix things and spend more time watching my son grow, watching his face change, watching him run to me and tell me he loves me, laying beside him and building forts, wiping his nose and going on field trips, riding bikes and building snowmen...I'm going to throw up, it's so much emotion and regret and loss.  I want the numbness and crave it like a quick fix, I can't fake happiness if I'm an emotional nightmare...I can hear Dan come down the stairs and I have to pull it all together.

He can see it as soon as he looks at me but doesn't say anything, he just walks over, kisses my face and grabs his coffee, "how did you sleep?" Ugh, I feel like garbage but I don't want to complain, "not too bad actually".  He just smiled and nodded.  I know he isn't talking too much because he knows I'll start to fall apart if I have to be part of a conversation; talking will take away my focus on maintaining my smile and new attitude.  I can see my phone light up again and the guilt grips my stomach because I need my escape otherwise I just might crumble at the table, how long could this breakfast actually take...I'm starting to feel withdrawal...

Finding the Edge XVI

I woke Monday morning with a brand new attitude; I figured it was best to at least try and fake it since I didn't want to add any stress to Leann and Dan.  I crawled out of bed and made my way downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast.  I wanted today's Monday morning guilt therapy session with Dan to be a more positive experience...for him anyway.  Ten minutes in and I was already having trouble holding a smile, I wondered if it was too early to smoke pot then I wondered if any dealers delivered this early.  I wish I could mainline my coffee cause I knew it would add a little pep to my step, I settled for an ice cube and shot gunned my first two.  As difficult as it was to pretend at this point it was far more difficult to see the sadness in Dan's eyes because of me...I could do this, I just have to focus.

I could hear Dan coming down the stairs and I threw on my best smile and started plating our breakfast.  I don't know how he does it, he always looks fresh and beautiful in the morning and I wonder if he actually feels like he looks...is he pretending for me?  "You left early on Friday and I barely heard from you this weekend, everything okay?"  I could feel my smile fall and become a forced grin; of course I'm not okay, where have you been the last few months, I'm dying inside and have no idea what is wrong with me...well that's what I wanted to say but I knew he only asking incase things got worse.  "I think everything will be okay but Dan I feel so lost and sad.  This weekend was worse then usual".  He grabbed the coffee and met me at the table, "what do you think made it worse?"  I decided to follow suit and just continue down the honesty road as I have done all this time, "I stopped for gas and drove by our first house.  Remember how different everything was back then?  I think my struggle is letting go and having a routine that I don't want and really don't like".  I could see him smile out of the corner of my eye and I knew he was thinking about those two years, we often reminisced and thought about that time in our lives.  "Dan do you ever miss it?"  He put his hand on mine and looked at the floor, "I always miss it, but it's gone and we can talk about it and laugh about it but it's gone Natalie and this is our life now".  Like I needed a fucking reminder, I know this and it only hurts more when he points it out.  I know I'm an awful wife and mother for wanting to either stop time or turn it back or change it or do anything else than what I am doing right now.  I mean how can I not feel awful and embarrassed for my behaviours and feelings, I want all of the freedom I used to have; that does not mean I don't want or love my children, but it does allow me to have enough guilt to paralyze me some days and a sense of loss that I have no idea how to mourn.  I don't understand how people are happy in their routines and everyday life, how can I be so different; what is wrong with my wiring.  "We're heading to Venice Beach soon, maybe that will help us reconnect and give you back a taste of the freedom".  My fear now was wondering if I had that taste of freedom would I be like a shark with a taste for blood...I decide not to allow Dan into that train of thought just yet, no point in worrying him before we even get on the plane.  Dan cleared the table then hugged me before he left for work.

I grabbed the computer and headed for the couch with my coffee, maybe if I have my fix it will help me get through the day...I have 16 messages and three texts from John, my mind is occupied and a genuine smile spreads across my face, perhaps my addiction can be my band aid.  I still have no desire to stop and see Laura so I do what all addicts do, I escape...

Finding the Edge XV

Sunday morning was a lot like all the other Sunday's and I had become accustomed to just reaching over and taking my Advil with my water.  I could hear Leann calling me from the her bedroom so I wrapped myself in the blanket, grabbed Mya and made my way to her.  She was laying on her bathroom floor so I covered her up in my blanket and laid in her bed with Mya.  Leann had become the best third wheel a girl could want, unfortunately her liver was taking a beating.  Last night while she was in full form and trying to light the wrong end of her cigarette she started crying, I could probably count all of the times I had ever witnessed Leann cry on one hand.  I watched the mascara run down her face as she took a puff of her cigarette, my heart hurt for her because I knew this was my fault.  I didn't bother talking with her about anything at this point because we were both intoxicated and if I started crying I may never stop.

Leann made her way to the bed and crawled in beside Mya, I could still smell the alcohol on her breath and wondered how bad mine was.  It was still pretty early so I hoped we would nap and possibly get a bite to eat but that was short lived because she wanted to talk; great hungover Leann is ready to talk.   "Natalie I want you to go see the doctor".  Ugh, I thought about rolling on to the floor then under the bed but she is nothing if not persistent, "I know, I just don't want to yet.  So much is missing and I'm not done yet".  I just feel so incomplete in my life and I didn't want to see Laura because she would only make it so that I feel content being incomplete.  "Natalie I'm worried that you are going to come out the other side of this and have nothing, I just want you to be okay".  I've heard this before, I'm getting sick of all of this like I'm constantly in these mini interventions with those around me.  It's getting more difficult to remain silent and just continuously state 'I know'.  I can feel the anger in my stomach because I've heard this so many times, how people just want me to get better and be okay, but now I wonder if they want that for me or for themselves.  I mean I know my friends and family care about me and love me and want me to be healthy, but I wonder if they want me to get help so I'm not an emotional burden on them and not so much for myself.  I can feel myself getting defensive and I have to watch my tone because Leann has no tolerance for yelling; especially with her new weekly built in hang over, "I'll get help when I know what is missing, when I feel better, when I'm done feeling like I'm watching the clock to my life tick by rather than enjoy it".  She grabbed her glasses, put them on and picked up Mya, "That may never happen if you don't get help, just go and see what she says".  It's starting to feel like people just disregard my words and they too see me as crazy, like I'm no longer able to make good decisions for myself...my words fall on deaf ears and it makes me want to scream.   "I'm not going back yet and I'm not talking about this so either get dressed and we'll go eat or I'm packing up and taking off".  I could see she was irritated by me but I also knew she wasn't going to push the issue any further at this time, I may have won but even I know it will be short lived.

We decided to make coffee and chat while I packed, it was the worst small talk I have experienced in a long time but it was all we had right now.  She grabbed the leash and Mya to walk me to my car and I knew she was going to have the last word.  I threw my stuff in the back, kissed Mya and hugged my best friend like she held the secret to life.  "Natalie you are sick and we all just love you and want you to get the help you need to be happy".  All I could do is smile and nod because I may snap if I have to defend my actions one more time.  I jumped in my car and made my way to the highway.  I can at least reason with myself enough to know that my family is concerned and I understand that...but I need to complete this or it will come back, and I have no idea what I'm even completing or looking for.  The past is never coming back and I'm falling apart trying to make sense of today and every day of my life.  I just don't understand why I feel like I do and Laura will just put a different band aid on it.  I don't know what's worse, feeling like I do or being okay feeling like I do.  I'm restless and anxious, sad and lonely, I do not want to feel like this and be okay with it...it's time to find out why and I feel like I am about to go to war.  I'm already passing by the fourth town on my way home and I know I am out of John's jurisdiction and it makes my heart hurt a little when I think of him.  I turn up the music and open the sunroof...I wish I knew how to smoke...

Finding the Edge XIIII

I finally arrived at Leann's later in the evening than usual and I instantly felt so much better.  Leann was someone I can slip into the past with if only for a weekend and forget today and yesterday and every other day of the last few months.  The only issue with Leann is that she can be overbearing and a little bit of a bitch when she knows there is an answer to your problems but you don't care to change.  She is never one to tolerate the victim mentality and I know she is ready to have it out with me over this because she is making us dinner rather than pouring wine.

She barely said a word to me until she plated our food and we sat at the island.  "You were later than usual today, everything ok?"  Leann was someone who could instantly make me feel five years old just from her stern tone and look.  There was no point breaking into tears because she no longer had much sympathy for my situation.  "Yeah I stopped more today, I guess I had trouble focusing".  I just pushed my chicken around the plate and chased it with vegetables.  I could feel her look at me but there was no way I was going to make eye contact.  Leann has this way about her that is old school, she will tell you your problem and give you the answer and expect you to follow it like it's basic instruction.  "Natalie you have to stop all of this, you're going to drive yourself crazy and worse you're going to waste all of this time running away from something that can easily be fixed.  I remember you after this exact episode when your son was two, you still struggle with that, are you prepared to do the same to her and you?"  I wanted to stab her with my fork, I just needed her to shut the fuck up because I know that this is not what I want this is just how I feel and I have no idea how to stop it or change course.  "Of course not but I have no idea what's wrong.  After I had him I knew I was too young to just stay home and I wasn't happy in my marriage so I left and went to university.  Now it's all back and I don't know why and now I'm not sure what to change or where to run".  I heard her drop her fork on the plate and I was bracing myself for all of her brilliance, "maybe it's time to just stop and find out why, maybe you should see a doctor".  Oh that's amazing I wish I would have thought of that, it must be nice to have all the answers.  She sits there thinking she solved some big mystery...but I already knew this and Laura told me I had to deal with it or I would always go through this cycle but it's so much and I just don't know if I can climb that hill and I don't want that to be the hill I die on.  So now my options are to either go back to Laura or just keep running from something that will never go away and will always find a way to find me and hurt me.  I know I have to go back, but I'm not ready just yet.  I'm going to put the band aid on one more time and just try to escape...it won't work but it is all I have and all I'm willing to do.  I hate that I feel helpless in my own mind and body, I'm weak and just don't have the energy to care.  I am riding the 'Summer of Natalie' to the end...even if it's bitter.  I open a couple beers and cheers Leann...I have no idea who I am anymore...

Finding the Edge XIII

I left for Leann's before anyone else was awake; I couldn't take one more morning of seeing Dan's eyes filled with sadness.  He is an amazing husband, father and friend but even he can't help me with this.  I know it is time for me to go back to Laura but I just don't want too.  There is a part of me that just has to self destruct, I have a desire to hit the bottom hard and I have no idea if I'm even strong enough to bounce back if I actually fall that far.  The edge has become my new home and I am falling in love with it; there is no mundane, no stability and no rules; this roller coaster my life has become makes me feel alive and free...I am well aware of the consequences if it goes off the tracks...I wish I cared but I simply don't.

I stopped for gas and water in a little town Dan and I first lived in, we bought our first house here.  Our lives were so different, I bartended four nights a week and he worked in the oil field.  I missed those days and ached for the freedom we used to enjoy; I feel awful for not being able to embrace my life.  Laura would tell me that this is all part of life...letting go and moving forward, but I just don't feel like I can.  I feel stuck and lost, I have no idea who I am anymore or the direction of my life.  A couple years ago my life was perfect and I felt like I fit in, now I feel like a puzzle piece that is being forced to fit...I don't know where things went wrong but Laura could probably tell me.  I don't want to go back to her, I hate digging through my life and seeing all the carnage...the lost dreams and the times I just gave up because I didn't feel like I was someone worth fighting for.  The Natalie I remember with fire in her soul and drive that could power anyone is gone and everyday I hope and pray she will save me but I think she's dead and I just can't stomach saying good bye.  The little girl that dreamed of law school is gone and with her went the power house who couldn't be stopped...I have abandoned myself and killed all the beauty just to fit in because I was so uncomfortable being different, being loud and ambitious, for being fearless and reckless.  I'm not even someone I like anymore...I'm just someone that exists in the body of the woman I loved and now ache for...

Finding the Edge XII

I'm trying my best to feel happy and whole but it feels a lot like agony and I'm struggling to no longer show it.  I try to engage in playtime and conversations; I try to be involved in my own life but the desire is gone and after a few months I have no idea if it is ever coming back.  I've become a step-ford wife where there is a light but no real life.  I don't want to get out of bed because it is just too hard to play the role all day long.  Dan knows I am a shell again and I see him ache with helplessness...he has no answers or ideas, he just holds it together for the children.  I'm sick and I know it but the medicine is too much to take right now so I cover back up and fall into a coma with the hopes of waking to a new life.  I don't know how I've become this person that I hate and no longer feel sorry for...get the fuck out of bed and either get help or be a good mom...I wish I could be a good mom everyday.  I can hear the phone ring but I don't care who it is or what they are trying to sell me; my phone is lighting up from texts but I don't want to chat and John cannot help me...or maybe he will but I fear if I ask for help he will leave forever having validation that I know his darkness.  This is all too familiar and I can't help but cry for my son who had to deal with this and my bullshit because I couldn't pull myself together for the only person I ever loved more than myself.  I've become too exhausted and discouraged to hope to be different any longer...this is me and I'm sick...

Finding the Edge XI

Dan wasn't beside me when I woke this morning but I could hear him downstairs so I got up and made my way down.  He was eating his breakfast and having coffee while watching Sports Centre, he was awake earlier than usual and it made me sad that it was likely stress keeping him from sleep.  I walked over to the couch, grabbed the blanket and sat down beside him.  "Are we in trouble?" Dan never even looked away from the TV, "nah but we should talk about this because I feel like it's making a turn and I am worried about you".  As much as I hated discussing our marriage I knew he was right and more than that, I at least owed him any conversation that would make him feel better and shine a light on what I was doing and how I was feeling.

Dan turned off the TV and made us fresh coffee.  "Natalie I am trying to be understanding of what you are going through but it gets difficult when you are home and I know you are just waiting to leave again".  He was absolutely right and I would never disrespect him by lying or denying that statement.  "Dan can you just try and understand that what I am going through has nothing to do with you?  This is not about you.  This is about me and I have no idea what it is or what I am looking for, all I know is something is missing".  He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek, "Natalie you need to understand that just because it is not about me, doesn't mean that it does not affect me".  Check Mate!  He was right and I may be stubborn but I know when I am wrong...when you know better, you do better.  "Fair enough, I have been selfish even when you have been understanding.  I'm so sorry, I wish it was different and I could just be happy".  This is why I hate these discussions, I always feel like the worst wife and mother...but the flip side is Dan feels better and I could never deny him that after everything he has given me.  "Hey, let's rent a beach house in Venice Beach for your birthday.  We can run away and have fun".  My heart jumped for the first time in a long time, I could feel the tears and they were finally from happiness.  Here is this man that has already put up with so much and now wants to take me on vacation for my birthday...what the fuck is wrong with me?  I wonder how broken I really am and why I am so cursed that I can't even exist in a perfect life. "Let's book the trip tonight when I get home".  I just nodded, somehow the darkness always steals the light.

Dan grabbed his computer and left for work.  I just sat on the couch, lost in thought and wondering if things would ever come full circle again.  I could hear her wake and come down the stairs, I snapped back instantly.  Dan was right and it was time for me to at least fake it until I make it.  "Good morning Birdy, want to help mama make pancakes?" She looked at me through her tired eyes and smiled...how could I ever want to be anywhere but right here?

Finding the Edge X

The last couple of days have been awful at home and I'm hoping it will be better today.  I leave the computer and make my way to the kitchen for coffee and breakfast.  Dan is barely talking to me these days and I can't really blame him; part of me feels guilty because at least if he isn't talking to me then we can't have the circular discussion around our marriage.   I can feel myself care less and less everyday and I think this is supposed to scare me into stopping but it doesn't, it just makes me want to leave more.  I almost wish Dan would just finally snap and either shake me, end this or walk away.  I grabbed my toast and coffee and sit by the kitchen window, it allows me to escape without ever leaving the house.

I must have zoned out for a bit because I didn't notice Dan making his breakfast.  We didn't even say anything to each other, there was no point today, I could feel him pulling away and it made me feel a little resentful.  How arrogant!  I'm pissed off because my husband is finally fed up with his wife having a separate life and partying like she's a single twenty year old.  I've become so entitled it makes me sick...but it doesn't go away.  I start having an argument with him in my head defending my choices and behaviours; besides he's the one that brought up the 'Summer of Natalie', that was his idea.  I immediately deflate my ego when I look at him.  He is a beautiful man that is hurting so badly just so his wife can find whatever she is missing.  Dan tells me everyday that he is okay and that he supports me, because that is what a great spouse and partner does...at this point I feel guilt for my new life and resentful that he allows it without a fight.  I don't know when the anxiety, loneliness and guilt turned to anger but I welcome it because it makes me feel empowered rather than depressed...another price Dan is paying for his selfish bitch of a wife...I'm still not stopping.

Dan puts his dishes in the sink and kisses me good bye, I'm both sad and pissed off by his gesture.  Maybe if we had one argument or fight in our entire relationship I wouldn't feel so bland and he wouldn't feel so walked on.  I crawled back into bed and started texting, "What's shaken bacon?"  I've come to rely on the cop for companionship...even if just over text.

Finding the Edge VIIII

I woke exceptionally early because I wanted to check my messages and make Dan breakfast.  Monday morning breakfasts were becoming a regular date between the two of us, it's like a guilt therapy session where Dan tells me everything is okay and I sit there and hope he is right...knowing I'm not going to stop either way.  I'm aware that at this point I'm sliding so fast I either can't or don't want to stop; I look forward to my weekends and sometimes it's all I have to get me through the week without completely falling apart.  I miss the days when Dan and I would just travel the world, spend days on a train across Europe and laugh the entire way.  I remember when we were on a train leaving Prague and Dan looked over at me and smiled, "I don't know anyone else I could spend six weeks with and not want to kill them".  It's as close to a hallmark card as he would ever give me and I loved it.  I have no idea how we got to this place and as much as I hate it, I have this strong desire to walk through it...addiction is a bitch!

Dan finally made his way to the kitchen and looked his amazing self.  He grabbed a coffee and met me at the table.  "How was the weekend, anymore crazy cop stories?"  I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, my life had turned into a frat party that only plays Taylor Swift songs...it's fun but it still makes me cry.  "Not really, I did see John again but only when he pulled me over for speeding and texting".  As the words fell out of my mouth I could feel Dan looking at me and he was less than impressed, "Natalie you need to make better choices when driving".  I was so embarrassed, I felt like a 16 year old getting in trouble but I know he's right and I should do better.  "I'll assume he didn't give you a ticket since he took you drunk joy riding last time".  Ouch!  Dan seemed a little irritated and how could I blame him; I was starting to be reckless in all areas of my life.  "Nope just a warning".  He said something under his breath but I couldn't make it out and I was too nervous to ask so I ignored it and finished my coffee.  This morning has not played out as I had planned and I wonder if Dan is reaching his breaking point of living with a teenager that is out of control.  He didn't say much on his way out the door and I wanted to ask him to stay but froze at the thought of once again discussing our marriage...I'm so sick of talking about our marriage.

My phone started to light up and I could see John was messaging me but I didn't want to answer.  I can't stop thinking about Dan and how we used to be, we were the standard of love and partnership and now we are roommates.  I don't know what's worse, not knowing how to fix it or not knowing if I even want to...

Finding the Edge VIII

I'm trying my best to locate my licence, registration and insurance but I already know I don't have all three pieces in the car...ugh, I roll down my window and hope the two pieces I do have will do.  "Hey Irish, easy on the gas peddle and stop texting".  I turned my head so quickly it took me a minute to focus, there he was, "Robocop don't you have anything better to do then harass innocent women like myself?"  The light was back in his eyes and he looked amazing in his uniform.  "How have you been?" He knew how I was, he texts me non stop on a daily basis but we've never made plans to meet again.  I wonder if he sees my darkness like I see his...I wonder if he knows that I can see his.  His radio went off and my heart sunk knowing he was about to leave and there was nothing I could do but watch him go.  He reached his hand through my window and tousled my hair, it made me catch my breath and want to cry.  He flipped the switch and Robocop was back, "drive safe Irish and I'll text you later".  I watched him walk away in my rearview mirror and waited for him to drive away before I jumped out of my car and started throwing up in the ditch.  He knows I know and a part of me hopes I'll see him again but it's doubtful.  My heart aches, not because of him but for him.

Standing in a ditch on the side of a highway before noon on a Sunday throwing up was not how I envisioned my journey...not at 35 anyway.  The tears started flowing uncontrollably and I hate that I have turned into this woman who has no emotional control and runs instead of fights...which by the way only makes me cry harder...get your shit together Natalie!  I wiped my mouth, looked into the sun then threw up one more time from the head rush.  I was walking back to my car when another police car pulled up and for a split second I had hope it was him...it wasn't.  The officer approached me, "are you Irish?" This did not help the crying at all, "yeah I guess I am, why?"   He handed me my identification, "John wanted me to bring this back to you".  I felt bad cause I couldn't say another word after he called me Irish so I just nodded and smiled.  It was time to go home because the longer I sat on the side of the road the the more I wanted to stay and find John.  I can see the first town ahead, I open the sunroof eat an Advil and turn up the music...eight hours to go...