Still Lost III

I decided the rest of my week would be spent playing during the days and planning for our trip in the evenings.  Dan and I would spend weeks planning trips, we would put on music, have a drink and talk about everything we wanted to do and see; we had become the perfect travel companions.  We could spend several weeks on trains back packing through countries or a couple weeks in our two door car driving across the States...I missed that.  I have an ache in my heart for missing the life we used to have because truth be told, we only changed our life for our daughter.  I have wondered if that makes me a bad mother, or I guess a worse mother.  It feels strange to say it out loud and is just another catalyst for tears.  I love my children and if I could change anything it would not be them it would be myself.  I almost wish I could be that woman who lives for their children but then I always think...what do those women do when the children grow up, get their own lives and move on?  I imagine they go through what I am struggling with right now.  I want to find the perfect balance for myself and my family.  I want to love all corners of my life and no longer wonder what else there is and know there is nothing missing from me anymore.  I wonder if there are people that feel like I do but are much better at faking it; do they secretly wish for freedom and ache for a chance to live outside of their routine?  I imagine those people who have everything laid out right down to meals decided on a weekly basis...work, pay bills, friday date night, tuesday pot roast night, movie on Saturday...it would feel like a personal hell for me.  I am not built or wired for routine and whether that happened years ago or not is irrelevant because it is not an option for me and thankfully it isn't anything Dan desires either.  I can feel myself fall away from those that nurture the life I cannot have and I have no idea anymore if it is because I want to want that life or if it is because I hate it so much that I can't even look at it.  I try my best not to judge others and hope that it is really just me judging myself.  If different isn't wrong...why does it make me feel so bad?