Still Lost VIIII

We got a call last night from Dan's parents stating that our daughter had to go to the emergency; she has never had to go to the hospital for anything and now both her parents are in Los Angeles because her mother is a mess.  That did not help me feel any better at all and Dan could see it all over my face.  I need to get  grip and just relax.  She is with her grandparents, they raised four boys and all lived to tell about it; this is not a big deal.  I find that lately I cannot escape this self loathing phase and I'm just about done with it.  I grab Dan and sit at the table in our condo, "I need you to help me think my way out of this hell I've been putting myself through".  He just nods and I imagine he is just as exhausted as I am talking about this.  "I feel that at the beginning this was fun and now I have learned to hate myself and maybe most disturbing I feel like I am falling into a depression as a way to punish myself".  I felt bad and good at the same time for telling him this; I want him to know where I'm at emotionally at all times but I felt bad for constantly being all over the place.  "Natalie I think you need to relax, there's is no reason to feel bad.  We agreed on this, I am okay with our situation and I don't want you to feel bad for taking time for yourself".  It was like everything just kind of vanished...no more guilt or anxiety, he took it all away.  "Are we crazy for this?"  He laughed at me, "of course we are, but if we weren't crazy we'd have far more regrets and have not done everything we have".  He's right, Dan and I have an amazing life and I love that I get him forever and it's going to be a long life so I should be okay taking the time I need to ensure the rest of my life is just as beautiful as the first eight years with him.  "So you are really okay with me being away and on line dating?"  He grabbed two beer out of the fridge and handed me one, it was literally 9 am, "I'm doing everything you are, and we are not the same people we used to be.  I think it's okay if every few years we take time to have a life of our own this way we are together because we choose to be and not out of habit".  We clinked our bottles and drank.  It's crazy to think that we are okay taking a year or so for ourselves...do people do this?  I really don't think it's a bad thing if I want a year to do anything I want every eight to ten years; it's my life and I should be able to live it however I want and I am not hurting anyone.  Dan and I may have the perfect marriage...for us anyway.

We decided to check out and drive the coast for a bit and get lunch before we headed back to the airport.  We went back to the taco stand and sat by the ocean, "Dan I need to switch up my escapes.  I love going away and meeting people but I am at Leann's too often and I find it does nothing to scratch my itch".  He grabbed his Corona, "What were you thinking?"  I took a deep breath and I felt confident and secure for the first time in months, "I'd rather go away once a month but somewhere different".  I could see his eyes through his sunglasses and I knew he was about to give me everything I wanted...