Finding the Edge XXIII

I woke and left early this morning.  I took Mya out for a pee and fed her, grabbed my bags and drank the water...there was no need for Advil this morning...well not for me, I left them beside Leann.  I hated the thought of leaving because it confirmed that I wasn't going to see John, like if I just prolonged the drive he might just call me and meet me for a coffee.  That was not going to happen, I knew he flipped the switch after his last message and it didn't matter why because I would never have the answer.  I left Leann a note and left before we got caught up in recalling the events, besides I had eight hours of doing that before I got home.

I filled up the car and bought a coffee before I hit the edge of town, I could feel my stomach churn and tears fill my eyes.  I seriously have eight hours to get over this shit because I have no idea how to even explain this to Dan let alone myself.  I need to mentally prepare myself to be a better version of me this week because we are going to California and I refuse to pout the whole time and ruin it for my love.  Hopefully if my thoughts change then so will my emotions...it's worth a shot.  My first change has to be John, I have to let him go because the reality is that he will never give me what I want and whatever my obsession has become with him has to stop because the price is far too high for me to pay.  The thought of never seeing him again makes me want to puke and the anxiety is creeping up fast.  I'm so scared and the worst part is not knowing why, what happened to make me fear losing someone I don't even know?  I'm angry at him and want to yell and scream but part of me holds on to the thought that he may be protecting me from him...but that's clearly delusional.  I pulled over and grabbed my phone, "Yo Robocop, I'm just leaving and wanted to say good bye.  I'm not back for a few weeks but I just don't think this is going to work...and lucky for me nothing even started as you so nicely pointed out.  Take care and keep those streets safe.  Good bye John".  I jumped out of my car and threw up, I hope this is the process of getting over it and moving on.  At least I know I'm not back for a few weeks and I also know that John will not contact me...he's way too proud for that.  I could hear a car pull up as I hung my head, I tilted my head just a little and could see it was a cop...dear God please strike me dead.  It wasn't John, it was the other cop that brought me my ID.  I wiped my mouth and tried my best to smile, what the hell was he doing here?  "Are we going to make this a recurring date on Sunday mornings? I just need to know so I can start bringing you water".  I just flashed him a smile, "are you asking me out?"  We stood in silence for what felt like forever, I have no idea what he wants or what I'm supposed to say.  "Are you okay?" I just nodded and spared him my story, I didn't feel like sharing and part of me wondered how much he already knew.  "Why does he call you Irish?"  The question startled me a little, "because I'm German".  At least this cop has a sense of humour and can smile.  "He calls me Irish because I'm challenging and feisty, he can make me spin and feel like I'm on fire.  He pulls out my crazy and intensity".  He crossed his arms and leaned against my overly dirty car.  I still have no idea what he wants from me, "officer is there a reason for this visit?"  He looked at the ground and shrugged his shoulders, "I guess I was wondering what was leaving this young lady sick on the side of the road two weeks in a row".  That was fair, I mean the guy is a cop and this could be concerning...but I didn't buy it for one minute.  "Just rough weekends I guess.  Am I free to go?"  I looked up and he was staring at me, it made me feel a little nervous but I couldn't tell from all the anxiety still flooding my body.  "You're free to go Natalie, I hope to meet you under different circumstances another time.  Drive safe, and stop texting."  He knew my name?  When he returned my ID he called me Irish...what the hell just happened?

I jumped back in my car and put my head on the steering wheel, it's time to make the changes.  I love the edge but I need a different version of it, something that allows me to run away but also keeps me away from John.  My phone lit up and it was John, there was no point in reading it...my heart sunk as I pressed delete.  Sunroof open, music up and eight hours to reshape my escapes...