Finding the Edge XX

This morning I decided to wait around and have breakfast with Dan and little miss, I was still feeling really good and I wanted to finish out the week incase the weekend chased it away.  The only problem with leaving later in the morning is the rush hour traffic, but it didn't bother me today.  Dan and I had a great time together over breakfast, it was so nice to not talk about our marriage.  We all walked to the mailbox and stopped at the park on the way home.  I think I should have felt anxious about not being on the road yet but I didn't, I finally felt the way I think most people do or are supposed to.

The eight hour drive was less than miserable today, it was beautiful out and the fresh air felt great.  I tried my best to keep John from my thoughts because it made me sick to think he is the reason for my great mood.  The week started off miserable and the closer it got to today the better I felt; except for right now because now I feel awful for knowing it.  I still don't understand the hold this man has over me so I stop trying to, I'm just going to spend time with him and hope it doesn't get out of hand.  I did feel a little relieved and happy that I wasn't racing to leave my house this morning, in fact it made me a little sad to leave for another weekend.  This morning was the closest I've felt to 'normal' in a long time.  This was my last weekend with Leann for a few weeks because Dan and I are headed to Venice Beach next weekend.  We have not been alone for so long and I wondered if we would feel the same as we used to...and what would happen if we didn't.  I mean I can tell myself everyday that we will be okay and this is just a crisis and everything will go back to the way it was but next weekend would be the proving ground for if that was possible, or worse, if we even wanted that anymore.  It's so incredibly amazing how quickly I can suck all of the positive energy out of myself and replace it with fear, anxiety and guilt.  I never thought I would become the woman who would rather live in ignorance then with knowledge but it terrified me at the thought that Dan and I may no longer share the same path in life.  I could feel my body get warm and my stomach turn, I just need a little more time.

I could see my phone light up, "Irish I'm sorry but I have to cancel tonight because I'm out executing warrants.  Can we meet tomorrow night instead?"  I already knew that John's job was demanding and he may not always be able to follow through on plans, it was okay because I was meeting the lawyer tomorrow night with Leann so I'll just switch them around.  "No worries officer, see you tomorrow and be safe".  I pulled over to text Leann and the lawyer and tell them about the change of plans and made sure to leave out the reason for the change.  Can you imagine how the lawyer would feel, Leann on the other hand couldn't care less because she was enjoying the ride almost more than I was these days.  I was getting close to the city and wondered if Robocop was around, I thought about him way too much but it offered me comfort that I couldn't even explain to myself.  Is it possible to successfully lie to yourself?  I hope not because that would mean I've also been lying to my husband and my honesty is all I have left to show Dan that I love him.