Finding the Edge XVIIII

I felt amazing when I opened my eyes this morning, I rolled over and Dan was sleeping like a baby.  I wanted to kiss his nose but didn't want to wake him so I made my way downstairs to start breakfast.  I threw some turkey bacon in a pan, scrambled some eggs and threw some bread in the toaster, coffee is brewing, the sun is shining...so why not send a text and maybe answer a few messages while I wait for breakfast to be ready.  "Good morning Robocop, you still alive?"  It occurred to me that if anything happened to John I would never know, it made me a little sad; I wouldn't know if he just left or if something terrible happened.  I guess that's just the way it is, I'm doubtful he would add me as his next of kin and I'm certain the ex-wife wouldn't call me; why would she, I'm just a text friend to him.  I logged into my profile and still had an obscene amount of previous messages I haven't answered plus extra from the past few days; this must be what it's like to answer fan mail...from lunatics no less.  I mean it's not like this is the bachelorette and there's no such thing as a bad catch, in fact most of these people are undatable...it makes me laugh thinking about Seinfeld and the episode where Jerry and Elaine talk about most of the population being undatable...I should really watch that show again.  Shit, bacon's burning and I can hear Dan in the shower.  Ugh, I'm having trouble focusing on the task at hand.  I flip my phone over and close the computer, the least I can do is give Dan my full attention for half an hour in the morning.

I waited at the table for Dan with a full breakfast and hot coffee, I was a little excited to feel this way again and share it with him.  He walked in and looked almost over dressed, "you going to a wedding or funeral?"  He laughed at me, "I have a breakfast meeting, sorry I should have said something last night".  He walked over grabbed a piece of bacon, kissed my cheek and left for work.  I felt so deflated and didn't feel like I had any right to feel anything since he likely felt like this everyday.  I just cleaned up since my appetite was lost and grabbed my coffee and computer.  I checked my phone first, "Yeah I'm still alive, been out on calls all night so I'll hit you back later".  At least I know he's alive so that's good.  I logged back on and seen some messages from George, I liked this man and really hoped he would spend time fixing his marriage rather than trolling dating sites...says the pot to the kettle.  I constantly questioned and challenged him in the hopes that he would just bite the bullet and either head to counselling or cut her loose.  He explained that he was now chatting with a woman that was from the east coast that may or may not be moving to Alberta.  Talk about playing it safe, she may as well be a fictional character.   He clearly just wants some attention, someone to tell him he's a great man and someone worth having; I know he hasn't had that in over a year.  I make a note to always tell Dan how much I love him, he's clearly the best man in the world...who could argue?  My support group is coming along great; I always look forward to touching base with George, John, Robert and the young guy who still tries to get me to date him.  It makes me wonder who this support group is really for, but why would I need it?  I try to shake the thought because it's almost disturbing.  I mean I have a great support team, I am loved and have great friends and family; why would I need strangers to validate me?  This is crazy...but I know there is truth here and it hurts my heart because I wonder what is wrong with me that I cannot just turn to those around me.  I tell Dan everything and never lie...except for my darkness, that is completely off limits to him.  I have developed this thought in my head that if he doesn't know then when I finally deal with it it will be out of my life forever...no traces.  I've kept the darkness locked away this long I just need a few more months to figure it out, maybe I don't need Laura.

I can hear her coming down the stairs and when she turns the corner she makes my heart melt.  It's so bittersweet for me, I love her to pieces and everyday she is a constant reminder of everything I missed with my son.  I hug her tight enough for both and send him a text, "I am so proud of the young man you are becoming, I love you more than pudding".  He always giggled when I told him that growing up, the reality comes flooding back that those days will never come around again and whatever I missed is long gone.  I will never be able to apologize enough, my heart feels forever broken...