Finding the Edge XVI

I woke Monday morning with a brand new attitude; I figured it was best to at least try and fake it since I didn't want to add any stress to Leann and Dan.  I crawled out of bed and made my way downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast.  I wanted today's Monday morning guilt therapy session with Dan to be a more positive experience...for him anyway.  Ten minutes in and I was already having trouble holding a smile, I wondered if it was too early to smoke pot then I wondered if any dealers delivered this early.  I wish I could mainline my coffee cause I knew it would add a little pep to my step, I settled for an ice cube and shot gunned my first two.  As difficult as it was to pretend at this point it was far more difficult to see the sadness in Dan's eyes because of me...I could do this, I just have to focus.

I could hear Dan coming down the stairs and I threw on my best smile and started plating our breakfast.  I don't know how he does it, he always looks fresh and beautiful in the morning and I wonder if he actually feels like he looks...is he pretending for me?  "You left early on Friday and I barely heard from you this weekend, everything okay?"  I could feel my smile fall and become a forced grin; of course I'm not okay, where have you been the last few months, I'm dying inside and have no idea what is wrong with me...well that's what I wanted to say but I knew he only asking incase things got worse.  "I think everything will be okay but Dan I feel so lost and sad.  This weekend was worse then usual".  He grabbed the coffee and met me at the table, "what do you think made it worse?"  I decided to follow suit and just continue down the honesty road as I have done all this time, "I stopped for gas and drove by our first house.  Remember how different everything was back then?  I think my struggle is letting go and having a routine that I don't want and really don't like".  I could see him smile out of the corner of my eye and I knew he was thinking about those two years, we often reminisced and thought about that time in our lives.  "Dan do you ever miss it?"  He put his hand on mine and looked at the floor, "I always miss it, but it's gone and we can talk about it and laugh about it but it's gone Natalie and this is our life now".  Like I needed a fucking reminder, I know this and it only hurts more when he points it out.  I know I'm an awful wife and mother for wanting to either stop time or turn it back or change it or do anything else than what I am doing right now.  I mean how can I not feel awful and embarrassed for my behaviours and feelings, I want all of the freedom I used to have; that does not mean I don't want or love my children, but it does allow me to have enough guilt to paralyze me some days and a sense of loss that I have no idea how to mourn.  I don't understand how people are happy in their routines and everyday life, how can I be so different; what is wrong with my wiring.  "We're heading to Venice Beach soon, maybe that will help us reconnect and give you back a taste of the freedom".  My fear now was wondering if I had that taste of freedom would I be like a shark with a taste for blood...I decide not to allow Dan into that train of thought just yet, no point in worrying him before we even get on the plane.  Dan cleared the table then hugged me before he left for work.

I grabbed the computer and headed for the couch with my coffee, maybe if I have my fix it will help me get through the day...I have 16 messages and three texts from John, my mind is occupied and a genuine smile spreads across my face, perhaps my addiction can be my band aid.  I still have no desire to stop and see Laura so I do what all addicts do, I escape...