Still Lost IV

This week was not nearly as bad as I expected.  There were times it felt like a chore to stay focused on my home life and wondered how long I could possibly keep this up for.  I imagined it was how addicts felt when they just had to take it one day at a time...it gave me a deeper respect for those that managed to stay on track and not relapse.  I'm aware that part of my success this week is due to reorganizing and mapping out my next escape; I can easily get lost in making and dreaming about future plans. 

I didn't want to get out of bed yet but I have to drop off my daughter with my in-laws and round trip it's about seven hours.  We fly out tomorrow for the weekend and it scares me because so much had changed I hope travelling is still something we enjoy doing together.  I wonder what will happen if our shared passion is no longer something that can connect us.  I roll over and stare at my husband and I now look at him the same way I do my children...why is this not enough?  I couldn't imagine not having him next to me as I go through life, I always told him "I'm so happy I get you forever" and he would flash me his smile and say "oh yeah, when did that start?"  I feel so lost and confused, I don't want to continue to float away from my friends and family but at the same time I just don't know how to stop and worse I can't understand why I feel this need to let go.

I crawl out of bed and head for the shower, this line of thinking has become a cycle without any new answers.  My reality is that I'm looking for something but I have no idea what it is or looks like, no one can help me but the one person I need to understand and support me does, and he does it blindly because he knows even less.  I finally feel this surge of excitement run through me and I can't wait to run away with my love.

I can hear her talking with Dan when I'm drying off and she always makes me laugh with her 'matter of fact' statements.  I have no idea how I am going to pull it off but for the next four days I am going to be an absolute delight to be around.  Twenty-four hour till wheels up and another proving ground that adds nausea to my everlasting anxiety...I can do it, I have to.