I was a little happy to fly alone after the weekend, I wanted to sort through my thoughts and figure out how I was going to pull off monthly visits to the Big Apple. I loved going to Leann's and the past few months have been great but I know it is not solving my issues and is likely creating more. My hope is that if I stop going there often then John will slide aways from my memory and the anxiety I have around him will just disappear. Trying to get John to open up to me is futile especially since he won't even meet me anymore; I have to stop thinking about him because it brings a sick feeling to my gut and tears to my eyes. I don't think I will ever see him again and the loneliness returns wondering if we will ever even speak again. I was finally pulled away from my thoughts and feelings when the flight attendant offered me a drink; I wanted a whisky straight up but decided on a water and coffee, alcohol would only nurture the sadness and I wanted it to vacate. It's funny how someone can just walk into your life and innocently shake its very foundation. I'm glad I met John, I know that we share something very real and maybe the whole purpose of him in my life was to offer me comfort in my darkness. He is just like me...except he has the switch and chooses to go numb...sometimes I envy him and other times I ache for him. I finally feel okay letting him go, I still have a lot of work to do and I'm spinning my wheels with him. I am so excited to see what happens next, I have a few more trips to Leann's, a month at home and then...Manhattan.
The plane touched down and I felt rested and rejuvenated and more importantly I felt happy and excited. I have no idea how I am going to pull off the next phase of this crazy journey, but I have the best co-pilot a woman could ever want or need...I just have to get through the next six weeks...I can do this!
No comments:
Post a Comment