Finding the Edge XI

Dan wasn't beside me when I woke this morning but I could hear him downstairs so I got up and made my way down.  He was eating his breakfast and having coffee while watching Sports Centre, he was awake earlier than usual and it made me sad that it was likely stress keeping him from sleep.  I walked over to the couch, grabbed the blanket and sat down beside him.  "Are we in trouble?" Dan never even looked away from the TV, "nah but we should talk about this because I feel like it's making a turn and I am worried about you".  As much as I hated discussing our marriage I knew he was right and more than that, I at least owed him any conversation that would make him feel better and shine a light on what I was doing and how I was feeling.

Dan turned off the TV and made us fresh coffee.  "Natalie I am trying to be understanding of what you are going through but it gets difficult when you are home and I know you are just waiting to leave again".  He was absolutely right and I would never disrespect him by lying or denying that statement.  "Dan can you just try and understand that what I am going through has nothing to do with you?  This is not about you.  This is about me and I have no idea what it is or what I am looking for, all I know is something is missing".  He wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek, "Natalie you need to understand that just because it is not about me, doesn't mean that it does not affect me".  Check Mate!  He was right and I may be stubborn but I know when I am wrong...when you know better, you do better.  "Fair enough, I have been selfish even when you have been understanding.  I'm so sorry, I wish it was different and I could just be happy".  This is why I hate these discussions, I always feel like the worst wife and mother...but the flip side is Dan feels better and I could never deny him that after everything he has given me.  "Hey, let's rent a beach house in Venice Beach for your birthday.  We can run away and have fun".  My heart jumped for the first time in a long time, I could feel the tears and they were finally from happiness.  Here is this man that has already put up with so much and now wants to take me on vacation for my birthday...what the fuck is wrong with me?  I wonder how broken I really am and why I am so cursed that I can't even exist in a perfect life. "Let's book the trip tonight when I get home".  I just nodded, somehow the darkness always steals the light.

Dan grabbed his computer and left for work.  I just sat on the couch, lost in thought and wondering if things would ever come full circle again.  I could hear her wake and come down the stairs, I snapped back instantly.  Dan was right and it was time for me to at least fake it until I make it.  "Good morning Birdy, want to help mama make pancakes?" She looked at me through her tired eyes and smiled...how could I ever want to be anywhere but right here?