Finding the Edge XIII

I left for Leann's before anyone else was awake; I couldn't take one more morning of seeing Dan's eyes filled with sadness.  He is an amazing husband, father and friend but even he can't help me with this.  I know it is time for me to go back to Laura but I just don't want too.  There is a part of me that just has to self destruct, I have a desire to hit the bottom hard and I have no idea if I'm even strong enough to bounce back if I actually fall that far.  The edge has become my new home and I am falling in love with it; there is no mundane, no stability and no rules; this roller coaster my life has become makes me feel alive and free...I am well aware of the consequences if it goes off the tracks...I wish I cared but I simply don't.

I stopped for gas and water in a little town Dan and I first lived in, we bought our first house here.  Our lives were so different, I bartended four nights a week and he worked in the oil field.  I missed those days and ached for the freedom we used to enjoy; I feel awful for not being able to embrace my life.  Laura would tell me that this is all part of life...letting go and moving forward, but I just don't feel like I can.  I feel stuck and lost, I have no idea who I am anymore or the direction of my life.  A couple years ago my life was perfect and I felt like I fit in, now I feel like a puzzle piece that is being forced to fit...I don't know where things went wrong but Laura could probably tell me.  I don't want to go back to her, I hate digging through my life and seeing all the carnage...the lost dreams and the times I just gave up because I didn't feel like I was someone worth fighting for.  The Natalie I remember with fire in her soul and drive that could power anyone is gone and everyday I hope and pray she will save me but I think she's dead and I just can't stomach saying good bye.  The little girl that dreamed of law school is gone and with her went the power house who couldn't be stopped...I have abandoned myself and killed all the beauty just to fit in because I was so uncomfortable being different, being loud and ambitious, for being fearless and reckless.  I'm not even someone I like anymore...I'm just someone that exists in the body of the woman I loved and now ache for...