Finding the Edge XXII

Leann and I spent most of Saturday morning on her couch, we decided some fresh air would probably help so we took Mya for a walk around the park.  It was nice to be outside and the closer it got to the evening the more excited I got to see John.  I had no idea what was on the agenda for tonight, it would be difficult to top last time.  We talked everyday and for most of the days and I could feel our relationship shifting from one that started as an interest in dating to one that was now based solely on friendship.  John never spoke inappropriately to me and basically spent his time winding me up to watch me spin but when I was upset or pushed too far he would flip the switch, the light would come on and he was a protector...I imagined he treated his son the same way.  I wondered if he seen my darkness and sadness, maybe it's my own that makes him question his...but my fear at this point is that he can so easily flip that switch and walk away without a single feeling around me.  I could feel myself start to tear up and hoped I could hold it back to avoid explaining to Leann.  John became a secret of mine, I mean people knew of him but I said very little about either of us.  He valued privacy and for some reason I wanted to respect that in spades...I never even questioned it.

Leanna and I crawled under a tree to get some shade and relax.  I could see she was already fading fast and I'm certain the only thing keeping me afloat is my excitement.  I reached in my jacket to grab my phone so we could listen to music and chat for a bit, I could see John messaged me and I immediately felt like throwing up.  "Irish, I'm sorry but I have to cancel again for work.  I'll text you when I get back to the city".  I don't even think I realized the tears pouring out of my eyes until I had to wipe them off my phone.  I feared dry heaving was next to deal with the anxiety that was flooding my body, I became panicked and scared, sick and anxious like my world was falling away from me and there was nothing I could do to stop it...WTF Natalie?  These dates were supposed to mean nothing and be nothing of significance, so why am I feeling like this.  I should have just texted back 'no worries Robocop, hopefully I'll see you next time and take care' but I didn't and I couldn't.  I felt paralyzed and embarrassed that what I wanted to do was beg him to meet me.  I don't think I had one rational thought the entire time we were sitting under the tree.  Leann was talking but I couldn't focus on anything she was saying and I was trying to keep myself under control otherwise she would know and if she knew then I would never hear the end of it.  Okay, relax Natalie!  It's not like you're in love with the cop, you just want to connect with him regarding your own stuff...you want to stand in his darkness and hope it brings you a better understanding of your own.  I almost wished it was love, it would be so much easier but John is the only person on earth I know for sure is like me...I can see his so clearly it is what connects us.  I know we have a special bond and now I know for sure he can see mine and he knows I seen his the first night...perhaps he pulled me over to verify his thoughts or fear. I seen another text and hoped for a split second he was able to make it.  It was Christian, "hey do you and Leann want to come to leo's tonight?"  I didn't even bother to ask her at this point because it would lead to questions around John cancelling and I wasn't confident I could pull off a casual conversation that doesn't wreak of desperation.  "Sure, we'll meet you there after 9pm".  I liked Christian, he was becoming a good friend and it's not often people can handle Leann and I together.

We grabbed Mya and headed for the car, I really needed some water and alone time.  I told Leann I was going to take a nap when we got in the house and went to my room.  It felt great to lay on the bed and just cry uncontrollably; I was pretty dehydrated after last night so I couldn't have much left.  I grabbed my phone, "this is over isn't it?"  The response was almost too immediate, I thought he was working.  "Irish, it never even started".  It was like having all the wind sucked out of my sails and I felt sick.  I'm never going to see him again and I don't know how to let go of him, he's all I have to prove I'm not alone...