Finding the Edge VIIII

I woke exceptionally early because I wanted to check my messages and make Dan breakfast.  Monday morning breakfasts were becoming a regular date between the two of us, it's like a guilt therapy session where Dan tells me everything is okay and I sit there and hope he is right...knowing I'm not going to stop either way.  I'm aware that at this point I'm sliding so fast I either can't or don't want to stop; I look forward to my weekends and sometimes it's all I have to get me through the week without completely falling apart.  I miss the days when Dan and I would just travel the world, spend days on a train across Europe and laugh the entire way.  I remember when we were on a train leaving Prague and Dan looked over at me and smiled, "I don't know anyone else I could spend six weeks with and not want to kill them".  It's as close to a hallmark card as he would ever give me and I loved it.  I have no idea how we got to this place and as much as I hate it, I have this strong desire to walk through it...addiction is a bitch!

Dan finally made his way to the kitchen and looked his amazing self.  He grabbed a coffee and met me at the table.  "How was the weekend, anymore crazy cop stories?"  I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, my life had turned into a frat party that only plays Taylor Swift songs...it's fun but it still makes me cry.  "Not really, I did see John again but only when he pulled me over for speeding and texting".  As the words fell out of my mouth I could feel Dan looking at me and he was less than impressed, "Natalie you need to make better choices when driving".  I was so embarrassed, I felt like a 16 year old getting in trouble but I know he's right and I should do better.  "I'll assume he didn't give you a ticket since he took you drunk joy riding last time".  Ouch!  Dan seemed a little irritated and how could I blame him; I was starting to be reckless in all areas of my life.  "Nope just a warning".  He said something under his breath but I couldn't make it out and I was too nervous to ask so I ignored it and finished my coffee.  This morning has not played out as I had planned and I wonder if Dan is reaching his breaking point of living with a teenager that is out of control.  He didn't say much on his way out the door and I wanted to ask him to stay but froze at the thought of once again discussing our marriage...I'm so sick of talking about our marriage.

My phone started to light up and I could see John was messaging me but I didn't want to answer.  I can't stop thinking about Dan and how we used to be, we were the standard of love and partnership and now we are roommates.  I don't know what's worse, not knowing how to fix it or not knowing if I even want to...