Still Lost II

I felt emotionally exhausted by the time I finally said my last word.  I don't think I could shed another tear for the rest of the week; everything was on the table and to be fair I didn't know if I felt better or worse.  My fear was that I made myself feel better and in turn made Dan feel worse...what more could I possibly do to this man?  I could feel him squeeze my hand, "so you found someone that shares this darkness and you want to spend time with them?"  He really made that sound a lot less dramatic then I did, "yeah, pretty much".  He looked at me like I was leaving something out or hiding a key piece of information, I had to think back to make sure I threw everything up and I was sure I had.  "So what's the problem then?"  Wait, what? I was caught off guard, the issue is obviously that I want to spend time with him...clearly that was an issue, right?  "I feel guilty for wanting to spend time with him and for feeling upset when he cancels".  I could see him nodding out of the corner of my eye, "I think it makes sense Natalie.  Maybe you feel lonely because you have never met anyone that shares that with you".  Seriously?  How is it possible that I am married to the most balanced beautiful man in the world?  I wonder if he ever thinks the same, but reversed of course.  "The only issue is that he won't share his with me so I don't know how to go about it".  I could feel him staring at me, "Huh, I wonder how that would feel when all you want to do is be a part of that special space but aren't allowed access".  Ouch!  I get it but the difference is that Dan has never had darkness I would just be showing him my trauma and it would only hurt him...I couldn't possibly do more to hurt him.  I can barely function when it comes flooding back to me and I've had it most of my life, it would destroy him and at this point I'd walk away before I shared that with him.  I wanted to respond but there was no point because we both had a strong stance and neither was budging.  He stood up from the table and finished his coffee, he had to leave for work.  He walked back to me and kissed my cheek, "I don't think you're doing anything wrong and I hope that this offers you light.  It's okay Natalie".  Even I was starting to question if I was really 'ok', nothing seemed okay anymore.  I felt like I was just venturing farther and farther away from my life and family and the farther I went the farther I wanted to go.  "Dan, nothing has changed for me in the last few months of going to Leann's, I think after my next couple of visits I need to change directions".  He just nodded and grabbed his computer, "find whatever you are missing, just let me know what this leg of the journey will look like"...the door closed and he was off to work.

I decided to delete John off of my phone and move on, the fact that the thought made me sick was all I needed to know I should stay away from him.  I was relieved that Monday morning guilt therapy was over and everything was in the open...I seriously have no idea how Dan can be so understanding.

I could hear her coming down the stairs and it always makes me smile to see those big blue eyes and bouncing curls.  "Mama pancakes?"  I scoop her up and kiss her chubby cheeks, "you bet bird, should we add chocolate chips and bananas?"