Changing Directions II

I barely slept last night, I wanted to see her as soon as I got to the house but she was asleep so I left her until  she woke.  My son was driving us back home today and would be visiting for a week; at least I felt confident that this week would fly by and be effortless.   Having the right company always seemed to be a welcomed distraction to my thoughts.  When it came to him I left little room for error, there was no need to add guilt on top of the mountain I already accumulated over is 16 years. 


I laid in bed and thought about the past few months and how I would change the next few.  I started to approach this like a military exercise complete with blueprint and strategies; I don't know if this is the correct way but it's a different way so I'm going to give it a shot...clearly living like a single twenty year old was not doing anything for my emptiness so any other route might be better.  I decided to try and dive back into my family life and even work more, I imagine more time around friends and family would help me feel better and appear somewhat 'normal'.  I wondered what our friends and family would think if they knew our dark secret...I guess that secret is only mine.  Embarrassment came rushing back and not necessarily for my actions so much as for my thoughts and lack of ability to blend in and smile.  I'm not wired to be like everyone else I know; not that they are not special in their own ways...but they all have a similarity or shared secret that I don't possess.  I feel like if I could just embrace my weirdness and differences then I could gain confidence and no longer care that I am not the same...it is so painfully clear that I stand alone.  What is crazy is that I don't want to be a cookie cutter person and god forbid I'm described as 'normal', I just want to be accepted as Natalie and how can I expect that from the outside world when I can barely accept it from myself.  I keep telling myself that it's better to just be me and let others decide how they feel rather than try and blend and hope I'm grouped with everyone else that is liked...even as I say it I know in my soul that it would last less than five minutes and I would have to break free from that prison too.  I can hear it in my head 'not everyone will appreciate and like this new you', but the reality is that this is not new...not to me anyway, this is who I am and it hurts to just be who I am.  The first change I have to make is me, I have to either be brave enough to stand out or forever be seen as 'normal' and live an unfulfilling life that I have no business being part of.  I'm already 36 years old and at some point I have to stop beating myself up for how I feel and just accept the fact that not everyone is going to stay regardless of the Natalie I present so why not just be the passionate, crazy, intense, weirdo I am and at least be happy with myself. 


I can hear her upstairs playing with her brother and it makes me so happy I want to cry but I'm so sick of crying I decide to laugh.  It would kill me if one of my children felt embarrassed and had to hide who they were for fear of backlash...what kind of example have I been setting all these years?