Still Lost VIII

I find it interesting that when Dan and I shelve the marriage and slide into friends how easy everything becomes.  I imagine it's because it takes away all the guilt and insecurities I have surrounding it.  We had an amazing day of shopping, eating and constantly failing to find the Hollywood sign; it seemed like we were always looking across from it and just couldn't nail down the location.  It was fine though because driving around with Dan was always a fun adventure.  Travelling together was never an issue for us and I was relieved that we could still enjoy it effortlessly.  I caught myself staring at him several times and feeling so angry at myself for changing and being a complete fucking mess.  I remember over the years thinking I am so happy I get him forever, he is amazing in every way and I never ever wanted more...eight years later and I wonder what's missing...from me, not him.  It bothers me that Dan is so well put together, like he's never had a struggle in his life and everything seems to just roll off of him.  I start to wonder if anything actually bothers him or if he is just really good at hiding it...I wish I was good at hiding it, I've become an emotional nightmare with drive but no direction.  I want to go back, I want my life back and my feelings and my emotional stability.  At the beginning of my journey I felt desire and excitement like this was all going to be the path to show me what I was missing then I would slide right back into my perfect life...that is not the case though and now I wonder if I should have even started this or just drank the juice and been okay feeling empty.  The only issue is that if I do that then Dan is married to a step ford wife and I would still be pretending to be something I am not...happy and whole.  I would give just about anything to get that switch from John, but I imagine that is about as helpful as the juice...you know something is missing but can easily ignore it because you're numb.  I feel sad for John, I wonder if he ever misses connecting with people or feeling at all.  I have to get him out of my head because he can trigger emotion in me without a single word...he holds a key but won't share it and that alone makes me feel crazy.  I pull myself out of my thoughts and concentrate on my husband...thank god I still love him and want him for the rest of my life, I fucking hope this journey is just about over because I fear my marriage will be soon if not.