Finding the Edge XV

Sunday morning was a lot like all the other Sunday's and I had become accustomed to just reaching over and taking my Advil with my water.  I could hear Leann calling me from the her bedroom so I wrapped myself in the blanket, grabbed Mya and made my way to her.  She was laying on her bathroom floor so I covered her up in my blanket and laid in her bed with Mya.  Leann had become the best third wheel a girl could want, unfortunately her liver was taking a beating.  Last night while she was in full form and trying to light the wrong end of her cigarette she started crying, I could probably count all of the times I had ever witnessed Leann cry on one hand.  I watched the mascara run down her face as she took a puff of her cigarette, my heart hurt for her because I knew this was my fault.  I didn't bother talking with her about anything at this point because we were both intoxicated and if I started crying I may never stop.

Leann made her way to the bed and crawled in beside Mya, I could still smell the alcohol on her breath and wondered how bad mine was.  It was still pretty early so I hoped we would nap and possibly get a bite to eat but that was short lived because she wanted to talk; great hungover Leann is ready to talk.   "Natalie I want you to go see the doctor".  Ugh, I thought about rolling on to the floor then under the bed but she is nothing if not persistent, "I know, I just don't want to yet.  So much is missing and I'm not done yet".  I just feel so incomplete in my life and I didn't want to see Laura because she would only make it so that I feel content being incomplete.  "Natalie I'm worried that you are going to come out the other side of this and have nothing, I just want you to be okay".  I've heard this before, I'm getting sick of all of this like I'm constantly in these mini interventions with those around me.  It's getting more difficult to remain silent and just continuously state 'I know'.  I can feel the anger in my stomach because I've heard this so many times, how people just want me to get better and be okay, but now I wonder if they want that for me or for themselves.  I mean I know my friends and family care about me and love me and want me to be healthy, but I wonder if they want me to get help so I'm not an emotional burden on them and not so much for myself.  I can feel myself getting defensive and I have to watch my tone because Leann has no tolerance for yelling; especially with her new weekly built in hang over, "I'll get help when I know what is missing, when I feel better, when I'm done feeling like I'm watching the clock to my life tick by rather than enjoy it".  She grabbed her glasses, put them on and picked up Mya, "That may never happen if you don't get help, just go and see what she says".  It's starting to feel like people just disregard my words and they too see me as crazy, like I'm no longer able to make good decisions for myself...my words fall on deaf ears and it makes me want to scream.   "I'm not going back yet and I'm not talking about this so either get dressed and we'll go eat or I'm packing up and taking off".  I could see she was irritated by me but I also knew she wasn't going to push the issue any further at this time, I may have won but even I know it will be short lived.

We decided to make coffee and chat while I packed, it was the worst small talk I have experienced in a long time but it was all we had right now.  She grabbed the leash and Mya to walk me to my car and I knew she was going to have the last word.  I threw my stuff in the back, kissed Mya and hugged my best friend like she held the secret to life.  "Natalie you are sick and we all just love you and want you to get the help you need to be happy".  All I could do is smile and nod because I may snap if I have to defend my actions one more time.  I jumped in my car and made my way to the highway.  I can at least reason with myself enough to know that my family is concerned and I understand that...but I need to complete this or it will come back, and I have no idea what I'm even completing or looking for.  The past is never coming back and I'm falling apart trying to make sense of today and every day of my life.  I just don't understand why I feel like I do and Laura will just put a different band aid on it.  I don't know what's worse, feeling like I do or being okay feeling like I do.  I'm restless and anxious, sad and lonely, I do not want to feel like this and be okay with it...it's time to find out why and I feel like I am about to go to war.  I'm already passing by the fourth town on my way home and I know I am out of John's jurisdiction and it makes my heart hurt a little when I think of him.  I turn up the music and open the sunroof...I wish I knew how to smoke...