Finding the Edge XVIII

"Yo Irish, we still on for Friday?"  I guess if i have to be woken up this is the best kind of alarm.  "It depends, are you going to let me drive the car and shoot the gun?"  John makes me laugh, he makes me feel like my world is different and I know it is wrong and I should see Laura but I won't and my only hope is that I go before it's too late.  "You must be crazy, last time you almost hit me with your car I'm not going to let you shoot me with my own gun".  It made me laugh so hard I woke up Dan...Fuck!  I crawled out of bed and took my phone downstairs.  I was feeling much better today and the fact that it all started with a text does not escape me.

I grab a coffee and start my daily dose of self loathing, I've become so good at it I feel like I can recite it backwards.  The only thing that makes me feel worse than my behaviours is the fact that I don't want to stop, and now I'm even starting to block out my own lectures as if I'm rolling my eyes at my mother and just nodding  to agree in the hopes that will make her stop.  Okay, I need a new game plan because I am able to figure some things out, first of all I really love travelling and meeting new people so I am not giving that up, however I don't feel like I need the actual affair anymore...I think.  I need to reconnect with my family but that only seems like something I should try if I can pull off the whole 'wanting to be here attitude'.  I want to have it all and do it all and I don't want to feel like this ever again but I don't want to see Laura...great, I'm back at square one.  At least now I feel focused and driven to find a solution, I'm excited that I have the 'want' to do this.  I do love going to Leann's on the weekends but I think it may be too frequent to continue to do and also have my marriage.  I would rather live in misery then walk away from Dan; the only issue is Dan would never allow that and I'm hardly a good enough actress to pull off a fake smile for the next fifty years...I can barely do it five minutes without being driven to tears.  I've become a motivational speaker in my kitchen that has no real direction other than I want to have everything, not hurt anyone, feel normal without being seen as normal, emotionally balanced without being emotionally stunted.  I need balance but I don't want Laura, not yet...I don't want to feel okay knowing I want to change my life and can't, I just need to do it appropriately.  The one pillar I always have is Dan and I know that is only because I have always been open and honest, at least I know I am doing something right and it may be all I have but right now it's all I need.

Dan comes around the corner and my face lights up, I can feel the warmth in my tummy and it makes me happy and relieved that I still have those feelings for my husband.  I can see my phone light up from John, I just flip it over grab our plates and meet Dan at the table.  I don't want a fix right now, I want my husband...