Still Lost

That was the shortest drive home, probably because I couldn't pull myself together and just needed more time.  But there is no more time; staying with Leann and living a single life on weekends was not doing anything for me in regards to finding what is missing in my life nor is my liver liking me much these days.  I love visiting with her and meeting new people but I feel no differently now then I did a few months ago so there is no point continuing on that path.  I already made plans for a couple of weekends after California but then I think I need to regroup and try a different angle.  I don't think I slept a wink last night and Monday morning guilt therapy was going to be an epic disaster...why couldn't I just be 'normal' and have an affair then lie about it, that would be way easier then the conversation I was going to have in about half an hour.  I grabbed my phone and headed for the kitchen, Dan at least deserved eggs to go along with his disappointment.

I checked my messages while I waited for coffee and finally just deleted my account, there was no reason to keep it up and active.  I had some texts from Christian and Leann but not another word from John.  I wondered what his last text said, I imagine it was just a good bye but I couldn't stomach to see the words light up on my screen.  I could hear Dan get out of the shower so I started the eggs and did my best to talk myself down off the guilt ledge.  I kept playing the conversation in my head and the longer I did this the more I felt like it was going to be an intense game of me trying to convince this beautiful man that I'm okay...when we both know that may be the only lie I have actually told...to both of us.  In all honesty I know I am sick and I know I need Laura but I just can't do it, I cannot contact her yet.  It's driving Dan crazy knowing someone can help but I refuse to go.  I just keep promising myself that once I know what is missing then I'll deal with the rest of my baggage but not before that.

Dan finally comes around the corner and doesn't even hesitate to hug and kiss me; I have no idea how he puts up with me.  He only makes everything I do more heart breaking and he doesn't even realize it...that's how amazing he is.  I plated food while he grabbed the coffee and we met at the table, our usual Monday morning date was under way and I wanted to throw up before I even ate.  "You got home early yesterday, everything okay?"  Dan was working on his music when I arrived home and I didn't interrupt, instead I got in the shower, cried for an hour and finally fell asleep before he made it to bed.  "No it's not.  I'm really scared I may have crossed a line".  This is what made him amazing, he just put his fork down and held my hand, "okay, what happened?"  The only thing worse then telling your best friend you fucked up is probably crying about it and still feeling like you want to be on the other side of the line.  I have to remind myself that I can't choose how I feel but I can choose how I act...just be honest, I've come this far.  I could feel the tears in my eyes and I knew if that started then I'd be a sobbing mess that wouldn't be able to have the discussion, so I do what I do best...I just start talking and hope he knows me well enough to be able to comprehend my babbling.