Finding the Edge XVII

I woke more tired then when I went to sleep, I must have been chatting till about 4am with John.  Our conversations remind me of Seinfeld episodes and are really about nothing at all.  I have no idea why we even talk anymore since we have nothing in common and haven't seen each other since the night we first met, unless you count the time he pulled me over for five minutes.  I find that he makes my days easier and I think it's because he keeps my mind occupied while my toddler has me running mini marathons all day.  He finally makes plans with me again and we're going to meet for a drink on friday; my only request is a better pub and a chance to drive the police car again...he agrees to both.  Once a day he brings out the fire in me and I love it because it reminds me of who I used to be and I know that is another reason I cling to him and the hope I'll see him again.

Dan is still asleep and I want to continue my breakfasts with him all week so I carefully get out of bed and make my way to the kitchen.  John is already texting me and has been up all night due to being called out to an emergency...it is so difficult to put him on hold for anyone else in my life and I can feel the guilt creep up.  I start cracking eggs and get lost in my thoughts about John.  I wonder and worry about spending too much time with him or talking with him, I find he has become a regular part of my life and daily routine and I know that is not good.  I know I am attracted to his darkness, recklessness and the way he can bring me to the edge and then pull me back.  He could ruin me easily and I think he knows it.  I start to wonder what my daily life at home will be like if I start to spend a lot of time with him...I'm scared I'll never want to come home.  John always lives on the edge and I don't think he remembers any other way, his addiction is now the only life he knows and when he's not working he is knee deep in whisky listening to sad music like he just broke up with his high school girlfriend.  My heart aches for him because I can't imagine him ever having real genuine pure love in his life, except for his son.  I know I don't want that, I want the edge but not permanently; I'm broken enough and one day would like to feel whole for my children.  I feel like I just need more time, I need to go back and fix things and spend more time watching my son grow, watching his face change, watching him run to me and tell me he loves me, laying beside him and building forts, wiping his nose and going on field trips, riding bikes and building snowmen...I'm going to throw up, it's so much emotion and regret and loss.  I want the numbness and crave it like a quick fix, I can't fake happiness if I'm an emotional nightmare...I can hear Dan come down the stairs and I have to pull it all together.

He can see it as soon as he looks at me but doesn't say anything, he just walks over, kisses my face and grabs his coffee, "how did you sleep?" Ugh, I feel like garbage but I don't want to complain, "not too bad actually".  He just smiled and nodded.  I know he isn't talking too much because he knows I'll start to fall apart if I have to be part of a conversation; talking will take away my focus on maintaining my smile and new attitude.  I can see my phone light up again and the guilt grips my stomach because I need my escape otherwise I just might crumble at the table, how long could this breakfast actually take...I'm starting to feel withdrawal...