Finding the Edge XXI

I'm getting a little too old to spend my weekends drinking and throwing up and that pretty much sums up how they have been for a few months.  Mya is sleeping beside me and just beside her is my Advil and water, this is my new routine and I'm embarrassed.  This is not doing anything to fill what is missing in me but I love spending so much time with Leann and having my own social life.  I almost wished the dating wasn't so exciting but it is, I've met some people I hope to always be friends with.  It's funny how many people are going through what I am and I find that I am gravitating towards them, it's a comfort I've ached for.  This is no longer about dating or affairs and has become a way for me to escape loneliness...Dan cannot help me with this as he is untouched by darkness. 

Leann crawled into bed with Mya and I, I loved this part of my trip.  She and I had so much history and it felt nice to be with her; we spent a lot of time reminiscing about our university years, she knows it offers me comfort.  Last night we met Eno and he might be one of the most interesting people I have ever had the pleasure to meet.  He's a surfer and has been all around the world and surfed in some of the craziest places, he went to Cambridge law school in England and is getting ready to write the bar exam.  This guy is only 28 years old and his history is packed.  He was witty and clever, well educated and travelled and really handsome.  I couldn't help but think about Dan, he would like Eno and have so much to talk about.  Using a dating site to meet friends is brilliant, now if only I could bring Dan so he can meet all these people too...how awkward would that be?  It occurred to me that I still haven't heard from Robocop and I was a little worried, "Yo cop, see you tonight.  Hope you are alive and well".  I could hear Leann sleeping beside me so I crawled out of bed and laid in the bath with the shower on. 

I need a new plan, a new direction because although I love meeting people and having time to myself I feel like I am gone too often and not really doing anything to fill my void.  I don't understand, I thought for sure this was going to help me but it's not because if I pay attention to myself I know the loneliness hasn't left.  What's missing from me?  I don't even know where to start to look because I don't know what I'm looking for.  I'm pulled out of my thoughts by Leann throwing up beside me and I hope to God I don't start too.  I'm a little excited and scared to see John tonight, I have no idea how he does what he does to me but I like it...the guilt easily triggers the nausea, move over Leann.