The Space Between XIV

I weighed my luggage at check in and the woman looked baffled that I was bringing fifty pounds of luggage to NY, I just gave a shy smile and went on my way.  Security was awful at this time of the day as everyone is heading out to their all inclusive vacations in Mexico and I find it more irritating than usual for some reason.  Perhaps it's nerves although the eight year old kicking my bag is starting to really lean heavily on my patience.  By the time I found my gate I was hovering at a level seven for irritation so I grabbed a coffee and found a corner to hide in for the next half hour.

I was house and dog sitting for a friend I had met there last time I was in town.  Clarence lives in Jersey just across the Lincoln Tunnel and when he said he was heading to Arizona I offered to stay with Cleo so he wouldn't need to put her in a kennel for a week.  It worked out nicely for both of us except it is nothing short of a nightmare to get from LaGuardia in Queens, across Manhattan and then cross over into Jersey with my fifty pound suitcase.  It's a good game of trains, planes and automobiles and in NY no one looks twice as you carry all your possessions from bus to bus to bus...or in my case from bus to cab to Path train.

I was standing in line waiting to board and I couldn't help but notice the large amount of children standing in front of me arguing, pushing and crying...only three and a half short hours to Toronto and I already know it's too early for alcohol...I wonder if that means coffee with baileys too...

The Space Between XIII

I laid my suitcase on my bed and had almost every last stitch of summer clothing and cute shoe I owned in a pile beside it.  I had a week in NY followed by five days in Montreal; Karen and my daughter would be meeting me in Montreal the afternoon I arrived.  She came around the corner with her thumb in her mouth and blanket over her head and I could see the sleepiness in her eyes but she was giving it a good fight.  "Mama can I help?"  Basically she will play dress up with my shoes for half an hour while I have several small heart attacks watching her roll her ankles every which way and try not to break anything. "Of course love, climb on the bed".  I sat on the edge of my bed and watched her play for a bit while I organized some of my books and sent off some last emails before I left in the morning.  My son was already in Montreal and I was looking forward to not just seeing him but having my children together.  It was tough when this opportunity came about for him because I want and need my children to be close and it was going to be a challenge because of the distance and I was already fighting a huge age gap.  I looked over to see her sitting in my suitcase trying to zip up shoes that didn't need to be unzipped to fit on her foot...she makes me laugh every day.  After trying on every pair of heels in the pile she picked her blanket back up and came over to sit on my lap; I kissed her nose and picked her up...I promised to watch one episode of Curious George before I put her to sleep.

The Space Between XII

"What does it mean?"  I placed my fork down and looked across the table, "it means I will be attending a creative writing class once a month in New York and that I have a writing coach to help me write the book".  I could see the smile start to spread across his face and to be honest I never expected anything else from him.  Dan may be the most unselfish person I have ever had the pleasure to know.  I was happy to accept the butterflies back into my tummy now that I had sung my news.  He laughed at me when my smile turned into a nervous giggle and he can still make me blush.  Every step I take towards writing my book has been a leap and for some reason I'm not afraid.  I can't pinpoint why I am so confident in this part of my life but each step that needs to be taken for the book and my life I now just jump and don't overthink what has no business being thought about.  Maybe it will be a huge success and maybe it will just be something I did for myself and I am excited about both.

I kissed him good bye as he left for work and finished clearing the table.  I grabbed my computer and another cup of coffee and sat on the couch with the dogs...it feels nostalgic and beautiful again.

The Space Between XI

I woke early and started breakfast, I wanted to spend my morning with Dan and tell him my news.  I threw eggs in the pan and bread in the toaster, turned on the Keurig and read the email one more time.    I felt like throwing up from all the butterflies in my tummy thinking and believing I was finally on my way to being a writer and author.  I have always thought about becoming an author and through my life have worked to convince myself that only a select few get that honour and that my bad grammar would never allow me to succeed but it was all lies I was telling myself.  Editors exist for a reason and I have the ability and skills to tell a story, my story, in a way that others will not only find readable but relatable.  My only concern now was what would happen if Dan didn't want to follow along in my dream...what if NYC wasn't his next stop?  What if he wanted to stay here and play with the band?  Would we really be standing at the bottom of our drive way one day with a 'sold' sign on the front lawn with my daughter and I heading to NY and he heading out with the band?

I heard him coming down the stairs as I was plating our food and I wasn't sure anymore if my butterflies were a sign of excitement or anxiety...Dan will be happy for me regardless of anything else...it is what makes him this amazing creature.  He threw me his best smile and I walked over to kiss his face; I silently wished we were still in California...

The Space Between X

Dan was asleep by the time I made it to bed after getting my daughter settled.  I crawled in beside him and a reread the email from my new coach.  Even I am having trouble believing that she will coach me and allow me into her class.  It's not a class that you can just pay to take nor is she a coach you can just hire...she has to believe in your project and see your potential in your work.  It's one thing for friends to like your writing, it is another when an author and writing coach confirms and I am feeling on top of the world.  I have two meetings with her  in just over a week when I arrive in New York and in the mean time I have to come up with some ideas on how to present my book and what it will look like.

I rolled over and watched him sleep while I laid wide awake.  My heart was aching with love for this man who shares my soul and life...I can't wait to repay the gift.

The Space Between VIIII

As soon as we touched down at home I was itching to see my daughter which made waiting for our luggage feel almost intolerable.  Leann was heading back home first thing in the morning and Dan had to go to work and I would have the day with my little girl.

We were driving back to the house when an email I had been waiting for finally showed up.  I had been emailing a writing coach in New York City in the hopes that she would take me on as a client which would give me access to her creative writing class once a month.  Writing in NY had been a dream I had given up a long time ago.  I never felt like I would be able to do it based on my awful grammar skills but I guess that's why they have editors.  I wrote a lot in university while taking a degree in philosophy so I knew I could write and I knew that others enjoyed my writing.  I love writing my blog but I think I can and should do a book.  It's not about being a New York Times best selling author, although that would be amazing, it's about trying something I always wanted to and now feeling strong enough to do it.  Flexing my writing skills for the past few months has only made me fall more in love and becoming a writer is now a goal. 

She forwarded me the time and address of our meeting and I feel sick with butterflies.  I wanted to scream it in the car but decided to wait and tell Dan later tonight when we were alone in bed...

The Space Between VIII

Leann and I woke adamant that we were going to have one final cruise down the coast with the top down before we returned the car and checked in.  After a half hour of playing around with luggage we finally gave up and decided we could all have luggage on our laps for the brief ride to the airport...apparently the top of the car goes into the trunk so the luggage wouldn't fit.  I wasn't necessarily unhappy heading home but I did feel a bit off or unsure.  Dan and I don't get the time we used to and only once a year now I get a glimpse of who we used to be or I guess who he used to be because I have no interest in venturing back into who I was.  There's a little sadness when I can see into the past but also relief that I can leave it there.

We finally made it through security and didn't bother with the Duty Free store...I still felt like I had enough alcohol in me to not pass a breathalyzer...I'm coming home, coming home....

The Space Between VII

Fourth of July in Venice is an enormous beach party that everyone is invited to.  They show videos on the surfaces of buildings, drunk parades with bands, beer pong tournaments, and block parties.  It would be difficult not to lose yourself in the festivities and we found ourselves in the parade touring around the neighbourhood.  Strangers become friends and before you know it you're drinking together gathering more potential friends along the way.  The parade finally ended on the beach in the pitch black night and we stood there for a few minutes and debated walking a mile down the beach to see the fireworks before deciding to go back to the condo to continue our own party.  We leave tomorrow afternoon and I am trying not to stress about the next month with a trip to New York then Montreal to help my son get settled in dorms.  We set up the table and poured more drinks...I want tonight to last for a very long time...

The Space Between VI

We spent a lot of the day touring around Los Angeles, venturing up into the hills and a little shopping so Dan could swim when we got back to the beach.  I'm not a huge fan of LA but I can see why people do enjoy living there...given the choice it would be NYC though.  The city is vast and spread out which makes it difficult to get around as the public transportation system is less than accommodating for the millions of residents and visitors.

We got back to the condo to dump our shopping bags and found a bike rental company so we could tour the boardwalk all the way to the Santa Monica Pier...the ferris wheel is seen for miles after the sun goes to sleep.  Riding a bike on the path is extremely stressful and frustrating when you are trying to be mindful of all of the other bikers, skateboarders, walkers and those with the hover boards.  It reminds me of the time Dan and I rode the tandem bike over the Golden Gate Bridge and he was ready to abandon it a few minutes in.

We slowly made our way back to spend a little time in the water before it's time to get ready for dinner...it's nice having our friends here but if this is the only time we get to be alone then I would prefer to just have this time with Dan...

The Space Between V

Dan and I were woken by the sun beaming in at a ridiculous hour, we really need to cover the skylight.  I walked out into the living room and it was so quiet; probably because no one in their right mind wakes up at this hour.  I curled up on a chair that was on the balcony and watched the world walk by as if I didn't even exist to them.  I tilted my head back to rest it on the chair and let the sun kiss my face good morning.


The living room looked like a frat house littered with red cups along with beer stains on the floor; the kitchen table in the middle of the room and there were beer cans for as far as the eye could see.  I slowly started to gather the garbage when Leann walked in and startled me.  They woke early to go for a walk on the boardwalk and I am instantly happy that I have been here before and no longer feel the need to sightsee.  The three of us opened a beer and went back to the balcony while Dan slept, I never realized how much I missed Leann...

The Space Between IV

After gathering our luggage, waiting far too long for a car we were finally on our way to the beach.  Quick stop at the liquor store where we conveniently found and picked up beer pong...I had never played before but I'm a fast learner.  Leann's fiancé and myself share the same birthday and it just so happens to be over July 4th weekend.  The streets in Venice were packed, like a built in party.  We threw our things in the condo and headed to the boardwalk; it's perfect for people watching and perhaps only Central Park is a true rival for the best.  I have come to appreciate just how eclectic the world is and it doesn't even phase me anymore when I see things that used to make my jaw drop.  I mean if a guy wants to walk his lizard down the street in a speedo...who am I to judge?  We grabbed a drink and some food and made our way to the ocean...it's so warm and I'm immediately deflated thinking about my swimsuits sitting in my closet.  I'm sure I can borrow one of Leann's and it should be easy enough to pick one up for Dan in one of the several shops that pave the boardwalk.  I'll be thirty seven in two days and just started living...life is so crazy...I kicked water at the crew and started my way back to arrange the condo for a pong tourney...

The Space Between III

The four of us woke all a little hung over which doesn't make travelling at a god awful hour much fun.  We made it through security and customs pretty quick and my nausea is only adding to my fear of flying.  After we grabbed coffee and found our gate we sat down and I immediately remembered that I forgot to pack swimsuits...for both of us.  This is the problem with packing while trying to play and chase around a three year old and remember everything on the list...although sunscreen and swim wear should have been top of the list...oh well.  Dan let me put my legs across him and smiled at me, more for forgetting the important stuff and I love that I am allowed to make mistakes without any argument.  I put my sunglasses on to avoid the overly bright lights and he doesn't know it...but I love to stare at him and feel the butterflies rush back like they were returning from vacation.  I rested my head on the back of my chair and continued to glow...some people will never understand...

The Space Between II

I rushed around most of the day trying to organize and pack Dan and my things for California along with making sure my little was entertained and having her hundredth 'but why?' answered.  Leann and her fiancé arrive this afternoon and Karen will be by this evening as she is staying with my daughter for the weekend.  Dan and I don't have many vacations alone anymore and come to think of it our last one may have been for my birthday last year.  We both love to travel so much but he prefers to trek through countries with his back pack while I like to stay in Manhattan and wonder around and slowly become a New Yorker.  We never stopped travelling just because we could no longer do it together, we just adjusted the way we travel and it works.

I was standing in our bathroom collecting every hair product I could find and it dawns on me that one day Dan and I could be standing at the end of our driveway with a 'SOLD' sign on the lawn...my daughter and I headed to New York and he headed with his band to tour the country.  We agreed one evening that it is better to full fill our dreams apart then to live together and never take a shot.  It amazes me how perfect our marriage really is, we sincerely want each other to live out our dreams and will help one another do just that.  We don't want to be those people that decide to not pursue the things we want because it would create waves in the comfort of our lives.  

She came around the corner in her swimsuit asking for a bath so I turned it on, added some bubbles and colour to the water.  I stood there while she threw in every bath toy she had and attempted a few that I had already said no to.  She is sassy and fearless...I fucking love her!

The Space Between I

I had almost forgot that Dan was taking me back to LA for my birthday this week.  By the time I got home it was time to put her to bed and I attempted to slowly gather my things so I could be ready to leave in a couple of days...but I tend to get distracted while packing.  I sat on the couch and stared at pictures while Dan read to her before bed.  I really have this amazing life and although I always feel it and know it, it's only when I am sitting on my own and thinking about it that it really hits me hard.  The picture of my son and I at his grade eight graduation came into focus and it made me feel successful as a parent for giving him everything he needs to be successful in his own life.  I am sad that I missed out on so much and that he never lived with me but what is the cost of ensuring your children have the best life possible?  There is no price I wouldn't pay for my littles and it just so happened, even if out of luck, that I paid the necessary price for his future.

I heard Dan say goodnight to her so I walked over to the fridge and opened two beers, my time with him is always my favourite end to the day.  There was a time that I was worried about us but it passed and we made it through the storm.  The passion that was lost flooded back and it feels like it had the first eight year of our marriage...except stronger, fuller and more meaningful than I ever could have hoped for.  I handed him a beer and kissed his face...life is so good when you just learn to live it honestly.

Graduation XIV

It felt so final driving home after breakfast.  Even with my mother, brother and sister living here the chances of me returning without my son being here are very slim.  I drove this highway for over fifteen years and it's never easy to let the things go that you have held onto the tightest.  Sometimes I just wish that time would stop or even slow down for a few minutes...I just want to stand in the middle of my life, take a breath and absorb the people around me.  He is my reminder that time moves on even when you can't or don't want to; although there has been over seventeen years from the time I first held him until I watched him leave high school...it feels like a mean joke because the time never really allows you to enjoy every moment.  I can see her in my rearview mirror and I know that it's happening again...it's a constant losing battle...

Graduation XIII

The dinner and speeches wrapped up early and I was a little relieved for the day to end.  I looked across the table at his father and smiled, there is nothing left to say...and so we smile politely and find others to talk to.  My mother left a few minutes ago to put my daughter to bed and I feel like I just crashed a party I wasn't supposed to be at.  I hugged my son and his date and made plans to take them to breakfast.  I wondered over to where my ex-husbands wife was standing and hugged her...tightly.  I thanked her for everything she had done and continues to do for my son.  She is a good woman and has been an amazing co-mom to him...I met her once over ten years ago and then again at his grade eight graduation.  I didn't need to have constant contact or be her friend to know and understand how much my son loved and cared for her.  She is the suburban mother...I guess that makes me the bourbon mother...

Graduation XII

We made it back to the church on time to claim our earlier seats and watch the march.  I brought my daughter because she won't have to sit the entire time and it's more of a fashion show than anything.  I wasn't expecting her to take off running when she spotted her brother but he wasn't bothered and picked her up for the walk.  When he came around the corner carrying his sister and walking with his date it made my heart melt until someone mentioned they looked like a teen wedding...sweet jesus that's exactly what it looked like.  I snapped a few more pictures and made my way outside with the rest of the families.  It's always a little bit uncomfortable at his events because my ex-husband and his wife bring along her family to support him and I almost always show up alone, although my mother rarely misses anything.  It's never tense or anything negative, just hurts my heart a little that I didn't give him the big family but I can barely get my extended family to my house let alone a graduation for a child they have never showed interest in.  I walked over and said hello to everyone then offered to take pictures so everyone could be in them...I hate feeling like I'm on the outside looking in.  We will all share a table at the dinner this evening so I figured it was best to break the ice now; the last time I seen them was at his grade eight graduation...they even made it to that one.

I hugged my son and kissed his face, I never fail to tell him how proud I am of him and how much I love him.  At the end of it all, we all come together to support him and it's not about me...not even a little.