Another Christmas VI

My son was almost done packing his things and I almost forgot how awful it was to not have him over the holidays. Things changed, now that he lives with me he spends the holidays with his father...it's fair, but that doesn't mean I necessarily like it. He's coming back shortly after Boxing Day and joining us for New Years in Los Angles. We made plans to head out with the neighbours for four days over the holidays, our family's have become so close it just makes sense. I love Christmas but it can be quite stressful as well and at times has left me feeling slightly depressed; especially after all of the lights are back in there boxes and the trees are ready for pick up...then it becomes dreary with long nights, short days and feeling the effects of cabin fever from an already long and cold winter.

I never cried on the way to the airport, I always waited until I was alone on the way home. I had a lot of practice too since up until university he didn't live with me and good byes were frequent. I decided that this time I would take my daughter and treat her to some Christmas shopping, lunch and a manicure...sometimes she is the perfect distraction.

He turned and waved to us before he went through security, I could feel my eyes fill with tears as I squeezed her close to me...it's only ten days...

Another Christmas V

I waved good bye for the last time, I won't ever see him again. I hoped seeing her grandfather wouldn't be too stressful and that his presence wouldn't cause her to ask a slew of questions about those grandparents...she never even looked up when he said good bye, relief washed over me. It's sad but what more could I do? I closed the door and got right back to my life...

Another Christmas IV

She was not in the Christmas spirit by the time we arrived at her concert. She looked tired, didn't want to wear her dress and was pissed off I put a bow in her hair...she had to have something festive. I left Dan with his father and wandered around to talk with the teachers and other parents, allowing for them to catch up and hang with my daughter before her grandfather leaves...only God knows for how long this time.

She refused to meet Santa and wanted to go home after her songs were sung...with an eye roll no less.  She's bored with this preschool so the second time around was even less fun. Dan jumped in his car and headed back to work while I drove the rest of us back to my house. I remember my father-in-law telling me after Dan hugged him and closed his door that he is the only son who hugs him...huh. He really is a good man and when I lived with them for a semester, when Dan was out of town, he became like a father to me too. He's intelligent and funny, mainly relaxed and always eager to help out with projects. Regardless, I need to be done with this, my door is open and they can always choose to walk through it but they freely choose not too...even when I am not in the country.

I am literally fighting my in laws so that they spend more time with my husband, their son, and my daughter, their granddaughter...I do it because I love my family more than I dislike them...and I have to wonder what I ever did to make them hate me more than love their own...

Another Christmas III

I treat his father like I do any other guest except it's mainly small talk. I don't really care, he's here to see Dan and our daughter so I do my best to keep a little distance and give him time with my family. He really is a nice man and other than hardly ever putting in any effort I have nothing to complain about. I made sure his room was made up and comfortable for his short stay. I invited him to my daughter's Christmas concert and packaged up a few pictures for him to take home...always remembering I do this for her.

I picked up my daughter from her last day of school before the holidays. I was taking her to lunch and then shopping for a Christmas dress. I thought of telling her that her grandfather would be visiting for the night but I'm not 100% sure she knows who I am talking about anymore so I let it go and moved on to asking about her morning. I think he needs to see first hand what has happened to their relationship. She never asks about them anymore so at the very least I can stop trying to excuse their behaviour.

One week a month I am in NYC, one week that they can come and see her and not have to even look at me...one whole week...where in the fuck have they been?

Another Christmas II

Dan called early afternoon to notify me that his father would be joining us for the night, he hasn't been to my house since June and before that I can't even remember. I never mind that they come, however I do mind that they come so infrequently. I don't understand how they can live so close and have seen my daughter a handful of times, which is because I would bring her to them. It's irritating and making me angrier with each passing month. I wouldn't stop them from seeing her but at some point they have to be okay with her not caring about them. It's become this crazy relationship where I don't want to see my in-laws or have anything to do with them...but I want them in my daughters life...so I am left fighting these people to have anything to do with their granddaughter and son. I'm angry...again.

"No problem, I'll make up the guest room for the night and you can invite him to her Christmas concert tomorrow". I always try to play nice when they actually make the effort to see their family...because ultimately this is their issue and not mine. I love my daughter and husband more than anything and for that I can tolerate anyone...I wish they felt the same. And I'm starting to wonder what stops them from coming...it cannot be me anymore because I live one week a month in NYC...and they still don't bother to see their son and granddaughter...it's them...it's all them...

Another Christmas

I loved this time of year, all the festivities leading up to Christmas and the New Year. It made me feel happy and renewed, it always had that impact on me right up until the second week of January where it always comes crashing down. The beginning of winter is beautiful and exciting with all of the holidays and gatherings but then when it's all over we are left with deep freeze temperatures, short days with extra long nights and the thoughts wondering if the cold and snow will ever leave. It's always like this in the winter where I live but for some reason after the tree comes down and the lights and other decorations get put away for the season the magic feels lost again and the routine returns.

I spent the next few weeks shopping and lunching with my daughter in the afternoons after she was out of school. We loved hanging out all day and wondering through shops, trying new foods and looking at all of the new cool toys that came out...not many were new so much as re-invented. I love watching her face light up when she sees the decorations or sings along to a Christmas song she's finally perfected. The holidays were in full swing and I was glowing...

New Friends XXXX

I arrived at the airport a touch early but that's only because they keep delaying my flight. My legs still ached a little but now it acted like more of a happy memory than a crippling pain. I went back through my pictures and sent my new friends a message to connect with me and then sent Joseph a lengthy thank you text. It was such a great time, definitely one of my best weeks in NY since I started coming. The best thing I ever did was throw out expectations and just decided that I would go with the New York flow, hoping it would lead me to someone like Joseph. We've had a great time and I don't see it slowing down or stopping...

I grabbed my bag and stood in line while they called out the zones for my flight. Back in three weeks...but as good as the week was...I can hardly wait to see Dan...

New Friends XXXIX

I felt better the second morning after the race, I stood in the shower for twenty minutes before bed in an attempt to relax my muscles. I opened the curtains and looked out over the Atlantic, it was beautiful and I was relieved my view wasn't of the city. Atlantic City is weird, if you stay on the boardwalk or in the casinos then it seems like a resort that is far removed from the poverty just across the street. The contrast of money over just a few blocks is shocking; dozens of homeless people when you look right and millions of dollars in yachts if you look left. I never used to talk to homeless people, well I wouldn't seek them out, but I would buy a coffee here or give a dollar there but more as a way to keep myself moving away from them. I spent a decade working with federal offenders in the community, at risk youth and a very large homeless population and now I don't really see a difference between where they are and where I am. Truly we are all just a few supports away from losing it all, some of us born into situations that gave us a better start, others born into extreme poverty left to find their own way out, many with undiagnosed mental health issues while others were left behind whether due to addiction or a bad run of luck. People avoid them and pretend to not see them, but I can't, and quite honestly I won't.

I remember walking through Port Authority on several occasions and needing directions of which bus to take, or where the bus to the airport is and each time it was a homeless person who led me in the right direction, not even the paid workers knew as much as these people. I was impressed with how much they knew, they have literally created a job for themselves and are very relevant to New York. I look around Atlantic City and can feel the hopelessness in the air, they don't have the massive tourism industry and are kept away from the Casinos, which is the only place for people who don't live there to go and visit.

I turned around to see Joseph with a cup of coffee for me and a tea for him, "want to go for brunch?" I was famished and woke in the middle of the night to a growling stomach, "yes please". I packed up and grabbed the complimentary bottles of water from both rooms and made a mental note to hand them out along with a couple of bucks or some food once we left the 'safety' of the casinos.

New Friends XXXVIII

We ate too much, gambled too fast and laughed until tears were flowing. My body still ached but I found it easier to ignore by my second glass of wine. We wandered around the casino and mall, people watching and staying lost in our stories. I was exhausted by the time ten o'clock rolled around; I laid awake most of last night trying to rub my legs but whining more than anything. He grabbed a few chocolates from Godiva's then stopped by the bar and purchased a bottle of wine before we made our way back upstairs.

He locked himself on his side of the adjoining rooms and taunted me with his treats until I threatened to order room service and leave him with the premium charge. I heard the door unlock and watched him poke his hand through with half a glass of wine...truce for now. We found an old movie we had both watched numerous times then listened to it play in the background while we chatted the night away laying in bed and eating over priced chocolate.

New Friends XXXVII

The ride down to Atlantic City seemed easier than when Karen and I did it. My legs were throbbing and aching, my feet still felt hot like they were burning and the rest of my body was limp and tired. We pulled up to the Tropicana and left the truck and luggage with the valet while Joseph checked in. I thought about Mike, but only for a split second, I hope he's doing good. Last I talked to him his life was in turmoil and his addiction was in full swing, it was exactly how he liked it. Joseph put his arm around me and pulled me out of my thoughts.

We made our way up to the rooms and made reservations at Carmine's along the way. I felt relieved that the race was behind me and I could just relax and have fun...I wish my body could remember how to relax. The rooms were connected and each had a king bed, they were identical but that didn't stop us from having an intense game of Rock Paper Scissors for who had first choice. We laugh at our competitiveness because it's playful and fun, there's nothing behind it that's negative...just good ole bragging rights.