Graduation XI

After I picked up my daughter we headed out for lunch as a way to kill some time before the grand march where the kids get to display their suits and dresses...I have no idea why we couldn't just do that at the ceremony.  We chose a booth as a way to contain my daughter and I unpacked some of her colouring favourites so she doesn't feel like I'm confining her.  The beauty of being two years old is that you're allowed to live in your own world without guilt or shame; I can hear her singing to herself and I try not to draw attention incase she stops.  I ordered our food and quickly turned my focus back to my mother who was clearly happy, proud and sad all at the same time.  She was there every single day that he was growing up and she has a bond with my son that I imagine is just as close as my bond with her or even with him.  I held her hand and thanked her for everything she had done for him and for me, without her, school would have been a lost hope and my future would have scary and bleak.  She doesn't like compliments, you can almost see her turn into herself as if embarrassed and I wonder if she has ever felt as amazing as I know she is.

Her grilled cheese and apples arrived just as she was starting to look across the restaurant and I know she will soon want to move around.  I handed her the ketchup because I know she likes to squeeze it and portion it out for herself; she believes it's a big girls responsibility and it's really just another way I have found to help her create some independence.

Graduation X

I dropped my daughter off with a close friend of my sons and made my way to the church for the ceremony.  I found my mother on one side and when I slid in beside her I could spot my ex-husband on the other side.  It occurred to me that we were married in the exact church almost eighteen years ago; I smiled and waved wondering if he thought of that too.

Slowly I watched so many of the kids he grew up with and went to school with since kindergarten walk down the isle and accept their diplomas and scholarships.  As they make their way down the alphabet I turn to see him standing at the back in his cap and gown and I could not be any prouder of this kid...it's just not possible.  I looked over and caught a glimpse of his father who was smiling at me and I know at that moment we feel the exact same and I am so happy we share that.  I watched him walk down the isle while they read his scholarships and mentioned his honour role and I don't even have to look to know my mother is crying just as much as I am.  And just like that high school is a memory, we come back this afternoon for the grand march then the banquet and he leaves for senior trip the day after tomorrow...it all feels a bit overwhelming...even with over seventeen years of preparation.  He has the whole world at his feet and I plan on doing everything I can to help him take advantage of his life and options.

Caps in the air and snap a picture, only three hours till we return.

Graduation VIIII

I woke to my mother banging on the door and it startled me at first when I woke and had forgotten where I was...I really need to show her where the spare key is.  I stumbled across the room and opened the door to the hallway, it's barely 7am.  I opened the door and had to smile, she looks beautiful and happy.  This is the first graduation she will attend.  I never graduated from high school I just left when I had all my mandatory classes and refused to burn a year on electives.  It occurred to me that I didn't even attend my university convocation and my heart sinks wishing I wouldn't have robbed her of that experience.  I grabbed the coffee and muffins out of her hands so she could come in and visit before we leave...in four hours.  My daughter is still sleeping so I sat down beside my mother, put my feet on the coffee table and pulled the blanket over me.  I don't get a lot of alone time with her anymore and I miss her so much.  I've asked her to come and live with me but she is having way too much fun to change her life right now.  My mom has been the one grandparent both my children can count on and is completely reliable to them at any time that it is needed.  It hurts sometimes to place all the responsibility of grand-parenting on her but she accepts it perfectly and loves to be a pillar in their lives.  My kids barely know their other grand parents and I wonder what that will mean later in life, my son is almost 18 years old so he has a good, strong relationship but I worry about my daughter in this respect.

I leaned my head on her shoulder and just listened to her talk about her days...I love this woman, never dealt a fair hand a day in her life and still never points a finger and always finds a way to love life and move forward.

Graduation VIII

I pulled up to CJ's place about nine hours after leaving home and I was more than a little excited to get out of the car.  He came out to help me bring in all of our luggage and toys, she loves spending time with her uncle and cousin.  I could see my mother pull up in her car and my son was right behind her and all of a sudden I am incredibly happy but missing Dan at the same time.  CJ grabs all of the luggage while my mother helps my daughter out of her car seat and I walk over to hug my son and home really becomes a feeling and not so much a location anymore.  Every time I look at him I burst with pride and I easily lose myself in him and his life...he has always been my favourite escape.

After unpacking and completely taking over my nephew's bedroom I ordered pizza and started bath time for my daughter.  I can hear them in the living room talking about how much his life will change in just over a month and before I can even react I'm leaning over the toilet dry heaving...thank goodness for shower curtains.  I sat on the floor to catch my breath and collect myself.  I'm actually not even sure if I feel nauseous from anxiety or excitement for him...maybe I can talk myself into excitement, after all it was me who found the scout...

Graduation VII

Dan stood with us in the drive way while we packed the car and she chased birds on the front lawn.  There's a familiarity but it doesn't bother me anymore.  I wish he was coming but the graduation is on a weekday and he wouldn't be able to leave work, sometimes it helps just knowing he would want to be there and would have done so if the event was on a weekend.  He picked her up and buckled her in the car seat while I scoured both vehicles looking for my sunglasses.  With him graduating and moving across the country this could very well be the last time I make the drive and it's a little relieving but also scary.  This highway has represented so much to me over the past several years and although I may have to make the trip here and there it will no longer be to connect with my son or to enjoy a single girls weekend with Leann.


I put on my seatbelt and took one last look at Dan standing in front of the car before I backed out...twinkle twinkle playing on the stereo and her singing in my ear.  I can see her in my rear view mirror and it won't be as long as I would want before I am attending her graduation as well. 

Graduation VI

Running and writing had started to consume my life and I love it. I have no idea how on earth I am going to finish forty two kilometres but all I know is I am not going with a time in mind so much as the expectation to finish before the sun kisses the moon.  The injuries have started to pile up from my feet to my ankles and then sharp pains in my knees...I should have done this in my twenties and not mid thirties.  The old me would have used injuries as an excuse not to continue, use it as permission to back away and feel justified...I'm glad she's gone.

I grabbed my suitcase and started to pack to head down for graduation week.  I'm taking my daughter along but Dan can't make it...this is the second graduation he has missed and my irritation is getting more difficult to hide.  I wondered around the house and found some of her favourite toys and books to bring along as well as her blanket.  I haven't done this drive in a long time and my mind casually reminisces about John and Mike and it occurs to me that I haven't heard from either in a very long time...perhaps it's best to leave it alone at least a far as John goes.


I walked into my daughters room and crawled into bed beside her, I laid with her last night until she fell asleep and wanted to be there when she opened her eyes.

Graduation V

We came home empty handed which is a rare feat for us.  I was standing in my bedroom staring at my treadmill wearing my iPod and running gear...wondering what ever possessed me to register for the NYC marathon.  A few months ago I signed up to run with a charity and then said it out loud on social media...this was just a way to ensure I follow through with this crazy idea.  I've always wanted to run a marathon and I have heard people say that one is typically the limit so I decided to run the one I wanted and it made sense since I am there anyway.  Everyday I look at this machine and wonder how it will go and if I can actually do it and everyday I step on it and just run until I have to walk and then walk until I ache and then lay on my floor until I catch my breath and can stand on my own in the shower.  I've become intentional in my words and actions lately because I want to do the things I have always dreamed about and talked about but never actually took a solid step towards...this year all of this changed and the result is a stronger more confident me.  I put in my earbuds and cranked my music and the speed...ten miles today...

Graduation IV

The kids didn't get home until late last night so I was up and getting ready to spend the morning with them.  We planned to do some shopping for some last minute graduation pieces like shoes and ties.  I walked into my daughters room to find her laying on the floor refusing to put on the clothes I picked out for her and these days I find it easier to let her pick out her own clothes...it's not a hill I care to die on and it gives her a sense of control in her life.  I walked down the hall and knocked on doors and picking up toys so we can get this show up and going.  My son was already in the kitchen by the time I made my way back downstairs and slowly the entire family makes their way to the front closet to put on their shoes.  It seems funny being in two different places in my one life...one where I have a son that is leaving for college and the other where I am the mother of a toddler and together I find I can give the best of me to each of my children because their needs are so different.  In just over a week high school will become a memory for him and it's just another way that time insists on haunting me.  

I buckled my daughter into her car seat then climbed into the passenger side, we have three hours to shop, eat and say good bye...again.  There is nothing left to pout about, it's life and I have to believe that my best life formed through my choices.  Dan reached across and held my hand...maybe I am a normal mother and it will always hurt to say good bye and watch them grow...

Graduation III

Time feels like a harsh joke where it speeds up when I want and need it to stand still and then floats when I feel like I just can't wait even one more minute.  So much of my time is waiting to spend time with him and then it goes before I can catch my breath, I feel like I never have enough time to just take him all in.  I've been fighting time and birthdays for most of his life and it won't get better or easier I just find new ways to cope with time lost.  The problem is that time is always going to be against me, us, everyone, so crying and bitching doesn't help.

I finished beating the eggs and threw them in the pan.  The kids are heading to a soccer game today so breakfast may be all I get with them.    My little beauty walked around the corner with her blanket on her head and thumb in her mouth and it's about all my heart can take, she oozes cuteness.  Sometimes I look at her and question if I am truly done having children, no more firsts or tiny hands or the vision of a big family.  My heart says have more but my mental health says don't even think about it.  It's just another window of time that when closed can never be opened...it's pretty much nailed shut.  I poured another coffee and turned on some cartoons so she could curl up on the couch until breakfast was ready.

I was setting the table when it hits me...most of the time it will only be set for three and I wonder if it's enough...enough for her while growing up and enough for Dan and I when grown older...

Graduation II

I ran out and picked up all of his favourite foods and made sure his room was ready for her, he would have to take the couch because there is no way they share a room and especially not a bed.  My daughter was running around and I was in holt pursuit trying to collect everything she was dropping, some days are so exhausting.  She finally stopped at the front door and looked out the side window in anticipation for her brother.  I could see around her that he was getting his bag out of the trunk and he always makes my heart full.  It's not often I get to have my whole family together so when I do, I want it to be perfect.

I opened the door to greet them and she slowly moved behind my legs to peek around.  She loves seeing him but it takes a minute or two to get over the initial shyness.  I turned around and picked her up out of fear I would trip over her.  I had dinner plans for us this evening and I know they will want to do some things on their own but for tonight it's family dinner and I just hope it's not the only one.  It only took a couple of minutes before the shyness wore off and she was showing them all of her toys while I was preparing snacks...I feel too young to have a son coming home for visits from college and for a brief moment I felt the old anxiety in my chest...

Graduation I

My son is coming up today and is bringing his girlfriend along.  I'm still having trouble with the fact that he is graduating from high school in a couple of weeks and now I have to share visits with the girlfriend.  I like her, a lot actually but I tend to be possessive of my first born and enjoy my time with him while he is here.  We found out a little while back that he will not be living with me while he attends university and instead has chosen to attend a Cejep in Montreal to play football for a division 1 football team. The scout opened the door for him like I had asked and he left it all on the field and the result was a three year term playing for the school at the next level.  It hurt knowing my son wasn't finally coming home but it felt amazing to continue what I had started in terms of acting in his best interest regardless of how it made my heart hurt.  I am proud of this kid who has given everything he has to a game he loves and has committed to push for perfection until all the doors close.  But I know my kid and if there is a way to stay on the field then you can bet the bank he will lace up.  Competing with his love of football hasn't been easy either, I have watched him be carried off the field, taken to the hospital, watch coaches try to discourage him and have his heart broken year after year when they come up short of the championship.  This year he went to Texas with a team and they took home the prize but I know it wasn't the same as if he won with his high school.  The past year he has grown into this amazing young man and although he has always been amazing...it's hard to believe he is no longer my little boy...and no matter how much I cry and pray...he will only be in my heart because time waits for no man.

I rolled out of bed and jumped int he shower, it seems easier to cry in here...

The Writer XXXIII

I was exhausted by the time I crawled into bed beside Dan but relieved to be home.  I like the single life in my marriage but truth be told I thought it would be a little different.  Don't get me wrong, it's exciting and fun and I have met some amazing people along the way but I am also content just walking the streets of NY all by myself, or grabbing lunch or going to a show.  I don't think I ever felt comfortable enough to do those things on my own and now that I know that I can it makes me want to experience it more.  You go on enough bad dates and suddenly sitting in a restaurant alone isn't so bad.

I rolled over and rested my hand on his chest.  I always felt like he was made for me.  Dan has never tried to clip my wings, instead he nurtures my wildness and watches me grow without fault or fear.  I moved closer and kissed his face.  He's taking me back to LA for my birthday in a few weeks and I can't ever recall a time I have been happier in my own life...

The Writer XXXII

Passing through customs in Toronto is always a ridiculous game of where to go and hoping you don't have to talk to the guy that thinks he is super cop.  He asked me seven times where I live and seven times I told him the exact same place and I think this jerk is trying to hold me up to miss my flight. I am less than polite at this point because I still have to get through phase two of security and that in itself is awful.  I stood at the desk giving him the evil eye while he stared at the computer screen that hadn't changed since he initially scanned my passport.  "Is there an issue officer?"  I tried my best to not sound inpatient and rude but I think I may have failed miserably when he looked at me, squinted his eyes and stated, "no, I'm doing my job".  Fair enough, I'm pissy because I was held over and want to go home and he is just being an anal jerk because...well...he can.  He finally stamped my passport and as he slid it across the counter I hear, "good luck making your connection".  I just threw him a fake smile and mumbled some not so nice descriptions about him while I grabbed my purse and headed down the hall...where I would have to wait for luggage...the travel gods must not be happy with me...

The Writer XXXI

Three Heineken later and I was walking back to the gate with a better attitude but not much hope.  I locked eyes with the same guy behind the counter and I could see the stress all over his face...that plane hasn't arrived yet.  I approached him with a smile, it's not his fault this nightmare is happening...again.  "Well sir, am I flying out or getting a room?"  He looked up and smiled back at me, "the plane just left Raleigh, and after it arrives it will be cleaned and ready for Toronto".  I was a little relieved but I need to get all the way home not just to Canada.  Before I could even form the sentence he cut me off, "I also moved you to the last flight leaving Toronto so you should be home by 4am".  I just smiled and thanked him, what else could I do?  Clarence texted and offered to pick me up but as long as there is a chance that I'm heading home then I'm going to sit tight...back at the bar. 


I almost couldn't believe it when I was on board and waiting to taxi...I just have to sprint through customs and security to make my connection...I got this. 

The Writer XXX

I walked down to my gate and watched the time of departure slowly change and I have lost faith in this fucking process.  I made my way up to the counter where I am assured by a man that this flight will be leaving today...the time however is a little more difficult to nail down.  I hate this airport and I feel frustrated that I am once again left standing.  The counter guy is nice enough to start the process of rerouting me through other ports but there is no part of me that wants to go through Dallas or LA so I sit tight.  It's going to be at least a three hour lay over and since my flight is set to leave from here I am automatically taken off of the flight leaving JFK so I walked over to sit at the bar.  I dropped my phone on the counter because for some reason I cannot get any service and I almost kissed the guy beside me when he offered to hot spot me...a little silver in my lining I suppose.  I bought him a drink and settled in...I wish I stayed in the city...

The Writer XXVIIII

I was on hold for over thirty minutes but it always seems worth it when you get the super agent who makes it her job to show you everything she can do with her job...I looked at the ceiling and thanked a god for having her answer my call.  "At this point ma'am I will take a train to Philly if it means I can fly out this evening".  I could hear her sigh on the other end and I imagine she has been doing this all morning.  Just as she is about to get me on the 2pm flight it cancels and all that is left is a 615 pm out of LaGuardia and a 10pm out of JFK.  The plan is to get to LaGuardia and if it gets cancelled then make the move to JFK and she assures me that I am on both flights as of right now...I'm more concerned with how I will get my luggage back from LaGuardia to make it in time to JFK, check in and get through security.  I would be a boss in the Amazing Race.  I agreed because I really have no other choice if I have any shot of making it home today...or early tomorrow morning.

I grabbed my rain coat and headed to the Starbucks for coffee, free wifi and yogurt...best ten dollars I spend every morning.   I texted Dan to let him know I pretty much live here now and I'll be apartment shopping all day.  

The Writer XXVIII

I threw my jacket on my bed and started packing my things so I could leave in the next hour and finally make my way home.  The extra night wasn't so bad except for the five hundred dollar last minute hotel room.  I wondered if Chad and I would just end up being two travellers whose paths crossed in Manhattan and never see each other again.  I zipped up my suitcase and put it on the floor then grabbed my computer to blog while I still had WiFi.  I love writing this piece; it brings me right back into my emotional journey and I wonder if I will always feel like that when I think about it.  I have to write from memory because I never kept a journal and I think to myself that if I forgot anything then it wasn't worth noting.  I don't think I could write about my life as I live it, the intensity would be too much and my story would change...live it, reflect, journal.  I'm in a great place now and in time it will only get better and I am finding my voice and learning to use it.  I'm a writer and sometimes I say it out loud to myself just as a reminder.  I packed up my computer and placed it beside my suitcase.

Chad texted me from work and I imagine he is exhausted and I almost threw up when WestJet texted to cancel my flight.  WTF is going on at LaGuardia?  I pulled my computer back on the bed and called the airline, I have to leave today and at this point I don't care which airport I fly out of...

The Writer XXVII

He arrived shortly after I found a place at the bar and we ordered a couple drinks and settled in to dry out from the rain.  His name is Chad and he is in the USA for a year and a half working in three different regions for his job.  He is about my age without any strings to anywhere long term and loves to travel the planet.  He has climbed to the base camp at Everest, hiked through Indonesia, made his way through Asia and conquered Europe...I was still thinking about Everest and the two week climb just to get to base camp.  He is brilliant, hilarious, well travelled and educated plus the accent is not hurting his case in the least.  His dry sense of humour and mannerisms make me laugh until I cry and I don't want the night to end.  We ordered food and I told him all about my life and how this all came to be and he never even blinked...I like the non judgmental reception to my story and so I continue.

There is no last call here, at least I have never witnessed it in all of my years coming here...4am and it's just about time to head to the airport...

The Writer XXVI

I woke to the rain still coming down in bucket form and another old movie on the television.  I slept for almost three hours and felt worse now then when I laid down.  I opened my computer and scrolled through messages, some were from people I had either already talked to or even met.  The bio-physist messaged me to get together again; clearly he was not the smartest person on that date because it was an uncomfortable mess.  I slowly read profiles and performed the process of weeding out those that wanted marriage, kids or anything that looked like a long term commitment.  I opened a message from a  man that was working here on an exchange program from Australia and it could not be more perfect.  We agreed to meet at my favourite pub in Times Square and since he has to take the Path from Jersey I decided to turn on some music and jump in the shower to wake up a little.

I make a mental note not to get too intoxicated with the Aussie since I have to be in a cab at 5am and heading to LaGuardia.  I grabbed my raincoat and headed into the streets...an Irish and an Aussie walk into a bar....

The Writer XXV

Maybe if I had never seen NY I wouldn't mind walking around in the pouring rain but this was just uncomfortable.  I grabbed some pizza, paid for WiFi in my room and flipped on the television.  My computer was still open so I connected to internet and loaded up my dating profile...my favorite way to pass some down time.  This is the best way to meet people in a city like Manhattan, it's like window shopping but more fun.  I don't really scour the sites anymore so much as throw up a profile and see what happens.


I could see the messages coming through on my profile but I was already falling asleep to the rain pounding off the windows and the sound of The Goonies on the television.  I closed the computer and rolled over...I can fish later...