Running...But Not Away VII

I've started reading the Chakra Bible as a way to keep the negative energy out and really push through the positive. I feel like I am so sensitive to other people's energy that I tend to take it on and then drown in it like quicksand I can't escape from. If I could learn to not take on other people's emotions and energies then I think I can fully embrace my life and move through it without other's tripping me up. I think there is something to be said for those who channel their energies and know how to block what they don't want. A negative comment, an opinion, a mean word can still destroy me and leave me living in my head for days, losing sleep and feeling sick...that needs to change and I am willing to try anything to get there. Overall I do many positive things in my life from running to volunteering to traveling but still, I know other people can toss a stone into my tires and throw me off track. I can't stop people from doing this so I am trying to take a proactive route by learning to block it, to ignore it and to move on without letting it touch me. I tend to give people too much power over me and my emotions, not intentionally, it just happens and so it's up to me, and only me, to take it back.

If happiness is truly a choice then I have made mine...

Running...But Not Away VI

I'm finding it diffuclt to concentrate on my fitness and enjoy it. I feel sore and discouraged with every mile. Sometimes you have legs for days and others it's a grind...lately it's been a grind. I have to pull myself out of my funk, it's not anxiety, it's just a general feeling of blah that I need to get out from under. I'm at the point where I want to, want to, run but I dont so I choke it down and do it anyway. Runing out the negativity has always been my best defense.

I keep flipping through my manuscript, wondering what to do with it, how I will adjust and what will vanish forever. Whatever I decide I have to be okay with it...today, tomorrow and forever. I need to make the adjustments sooner rather than later and give it weeks to marinate in my mind. I've started to develop different back stories and names for the people who I want to talk about but not necessarily want everyone else to know about. The story is about me and only me...I don't want this to change their lives and only I will know who is who.

I can never go back and write this part of my life so it has to be perfect for me...athough I hope you will all read.

Running...But Not Away V

Getting a book cover done is not as easy as I would have hoped. Now I am shopping a bit, scouring porfolios and talking with more and more designers. I like Carlos and his work is good but I haven't seen him do the style I want and before I dish out over $400 American dollars I want to see at least a loose sketch...but he won't. I've talked to another designer in Kentucky and he has agreed to show me three different ones and if they are on the course or if I feel that he can get my vision then I will sign my contract with him.

A few years comes down to the next few weeks and all I can do to contain my excitment is run it out at the gym. It's weird I've developed a fear of running outside, like it would feel too difficult or scare me. I gotta get over that quick though because I'll need some pavement miles before I get off the bus in Staten Island. I don't feel like I'm getting faster and it might be because I'm not a fan of running winded but I gotta pull up my socks and dig in or I'm looking at another lengthy marathon.

Running...But Not Away IV

New York killed me with the heat. After I got home I felt drained and sick but I still managed to cycle over 27 miles yesterday. I've been working with Carlos on designing my book cover and slowly the vision is coming to life and my excitement is hardly containable. I still have a lot of editing to do but it doesn't feel so overwhelming anymore, it's exactly what I want to be doing...the clock is set and within weeks I should be ready to bring it all to life and send it out on Amazon.

I've decided to hide the people in my book even further into their disguise because I don't want to marry anyone to my book and I want it to be timeless to me...words that will never turn sour in my mouth. This way no one is haunted by it; it's my story to tell and they have every right to write their own if they so wish.

Between the book release, the marathon and getting ready for the new school year my life is busy in all of the best ways possible.

Running...But Not Away III

Things feel differently now, I no longer feel like I have the weight of the world holding me down. I'm happy...it's been so long since I felt this happy. I'm going back to class, it starts in September and I feel it's exactly where I need to be. I met with an artist and he agreed to create my vision and paint my book cover within the month...about the exact time I need to put the finishing touches on my manuscript. The thought of being an indie author is exciting and liberating, I want it all to be mine and I'm no longer going to be flexible on that.

I ripped the band-aid off and reclaimed Manhattan...it's everything I remember and love. It seems only fitting that I launch my book from there so I'm meeting Carlos next month and together we are tossing my words and his artwork into the universe for the world to see...I'm nervous, it's a good nervous.

I miss Joseph and I wish it didn't have to be all or nothing, but he has never done it any other way. I didn't realize that the day I wanted our relationship to change would be the day he locked me out, friendship and all. I didn't believe our friendship was only connected through our intimacy so when one ends it all ends and it feels like I lost two people. My life was never a secret, never hidden, there were no false promises, no thoughts of a future...it was all an adventurous affair but never once did I lose sight of my life, never once did I promise anything more and never once did I make him believe that we would ride off into the sunset. One day the anger may stop, the hurt may fall away and the sadness may not feel so heavy and maybe one day he will remember that the best part about us was always our friendship...it never had an expiration date but our intimacy always did. I hold onto hope that one day he will want to be part of my life again and so I leave that door open waiting for him to walk through.

Everything comes to completion...and then you start a new chapter...a new book...a new adventure...

Running...But Not Away II

Between cycling and treadmills I am doing about eighty miles a week. I also do all of the core and stretching twice a day just to relax my muscles and I have become quite the gym rat...except I don't flex...well, not yet. I started to feel really lethargic last week and went to my doctor for tests. I completely forgot about my anemia and felt frustrated that not only would I have to take a pill again but it would take up to three weeks for me to feel the affects. She's not convinced that's all it is so she's running tests on my kidneys, thyroid and heart. I now have a cereal bowl of vitamins I take every morning and adding the red iron pill makes it look a bit more festive.

I'm starting to think about NY again. I'm dreaming about it almost nightly and I visit my pictures daily. I remember my love of Manhattan, the sounds, the streets, the people and the food. I think about my coach a lot and my writing class...it's starting again soon and I am seriously considering taking it again.

I've locked down my work and stopped querying agents...my story is ready and I don't think I care to share the credits with an agent. I have a meeting to self publish and it is the only thing that excites me about publishing my book anymore. When I weigh out the pros and cons it just means more to me to have my story told by me in my own way. The last thing I changed was the title, mine was always my favorite part because it spoke to me and represented how I felt so I threw theirs out...Married and Single at the Same Time is gone, I tossed it out with the lies...

Running...But Not Away I

My training is in overdrive and I'm bouncing between the gym and my house a few times a day. I really want to run fast and steady this time and cross somewhere in the four hour area. The last time I ran I met an amazing woman while crossing the 59th street bridge and I made the decision to walk with her rather than run on my own. She found out a couple of days before the race that she was pregnant and didn't feel that she would finish, she contemplated just walking off the course and heading back to her hotel. Her parents and friends were either running the marathon or cheering her along from the streets but didn't know her news...I was the only one, except for her husband, who knew she was pregnant. With each mile we walked together she became confident that she could finish and with each mile I wanted to support her, it became more important to me that we both finish rather than just beat my time from the year before.

This year is for me though, this year is my game changer and if I can do it in the time I want then I agreed to run next year for the 50th anniversary. I can feel my body getting stronger everyday, I can feel myself elevate and become that woman again. I don't remember ever feeling better, I feel a balance like nothing before and with each session at the gym I feed my soul and become a healthier version of who I once was.

Comfortably Numb XVII

Joseph and I talked a bit in June and faded more so in July. I wanted to meet him, I wanted to see him but eveyime I went to book a flight I just couldn't pull the trigger and buy the ticket. It's broken and no longer beautiful and no matter how much glue I put on it...it's just not the same and will never look the same. I had tried for several months over various visits to leave, to cut ties but it was all so emotional and I was easily reeled right back in...he would excuse my mood swings and I would buy it everytime...hoping it would change but never actually seeing any progress. I continued to break and our week of fun slowly turned to a week of hell, I didn't know how to leave and didn't know how to stay. Finally one day he sent me a text expressing his desire to find his "one", knowing it could never be me, it was the first time I felt relief in months...maybe I didn't break him maybe not all is lost in our friendship.

Everything reaches completion but not everything has to be destroyed. Sometimes no matter how far you come in life...it feels like you never really moved at all.

Comfortably Numb XVI

It wasn't long after I started my training that I was hit with another crisis. My niece became very ill and was admitted into a hospital in another province. I packed some bags and made my way to her, how could I not put her first? I spent a week with her until her parents came to take my place by her side. I tried to run again but lost all motivation expecting another blow just around the corner...why even bother?

I went back to New York in May but it hadn't been the same in so long I forgot why I used to go at all. I think that's what happens, so much negative gets piled on that you forget any positive and I failed to see what New York offered anymore. I had nothing left to give Joseph except negative behavor and always looking for a way out, to free him of my new demons and let him move on. He had enough of his own stuff, he didn't need mine and in fairness we were only supposed to be an affair but I let it get out of hand and before I knew it...I had a home and husband in Queens...what the fuck had I done? 

The day I walked out of his house I knew I wouldn't be back, not like this. I was no longer my carefree self, no longer a vibrant woman exploring her life and I was slowly destroying someone who genuinely cared for me...ashamed of what I had done I didn't look back. 

Either NY is my other side that allows me to create and move freely through my life...or it is not, and if it is not...then why go at all? 

It's time to lace up... 

Comfortably Numb XV

I left my manuscript for months, trying to reread it but not being able to connect with it anymore. I needed to bring it back to being mine, my truth and my words. I printed it off one afternoon and sat at my kitchen table for hours literally cutting out the lies and bridging the new gaps with the reality of what my life in NYC looked like. I have never done my writing, at least not my first drafts, on the computer it is all hand written so when I do edits I use the exact same approach. I got so caught up in having an agent that I lost sight of why I even wrote the book...to tell my truth and then live in it. When I read their version, the one they requested I write, I knew I didn't want to pass it off as my own...I didn't even want to try, I was embarrassed I let it get this far. I cut and cut and cut for hours.

By the time spring rolled around I had signed up to run the NYC marathon a third time. After running in 2015 and 2016 I swore I would never do it again and opted out in 2017 and 2018 but needing something to boost my confidence and aching to get back to the city I love I signed up to run once again, this time for Cystic Fibrosis. I laced up for the first time in over two years and took to the streets, I had a lot to think about as the miles rolled by.