Finding the Edge XIIII

I finally arrived at Leann's later in the evening than usual and I instantly felt so much better.  Leann was someone I can slip into the past with if only for a weekend and forget today and yesterday and every other day of the last few months.  The only issue with Leann is that she can be overbearing and a little bit of a bitch when she knows there is an answer to your problems but you don't care to change.  She is never one to tolerate the victim mentality and I know she is ready to have it out with me over this because she is making us dinner rather than pouring wine.

She barely said a word to me until she plated our food and we sat at the island.  "You were later than usual today, everything ok?"  Leann was someone who could instantly make me feel five years old just from her stern tone and look.  There was no point breaking into tears because she no longer had much sympathy for my situation.  "Yeah I stopped more today, I guess I had trouble focusing".  I just pushed my chicken around the plate and chased it with vegetables.  I could feel her look at me but there was no way I was going to make eye contact.  Leann has this way about her that is old school, she will tell you your problem and give you the answer and expect you to follow it like it's basic instruction.  "Natalie you have to stop all of this, you're going to drive yourself crazy and worse you're going to waste all of this time running away from something that can easily be fixed.  I remember you after this exact episode when your son was two, you still struggle with that, are you prepared to do the same to her and you?"  I wanted to stab her with my fork, I just needed her to shut the fuck up because I know that this is not what I want this is just how I feel and I have no idea how to stop it or change course.  "Of course not but I have no idea what's wrong.  After I had him I knew I was too young to just stay home and I wasn't happy in my marriage so I left and went to university.  Now it's all back and I don't know why and now I'm not sure what to change or where to run".  I heard her drop her fork on the plate and I was bracing myself for all of her brilliance, "maybe it's time to just stop and find out why, maybe you should see a doctor".  Oh that's amazing I wish I would have thought of that, it must be nice to have all the answers.  She sits there thinking she solved some big mystery...but I already knew this and Laura told me I had to deal with it or I would always go through this cycle but it's so much and I just don't know if I can climb that hill and I don't want that to be the hill I die on.  So now my options are to either go back to Laura or just keep running from something that will never go away and will always find a way to find me and hurt me.  I know I have to go back, but I'm not ready just yet.  I'm going to put the band aid on one more time and just try to escape...it won't work but it is all I have and all I'm willing to do.  I hate that I feel helpless in my own mind and body, I'm weak and just don't have the energy to care.  I am riding the 'Summer of Natalie' to the end...even if it's bitter.  I open a couple beers and cheers Leann...I have no idea who I am anymore...