Finding the Edge XII

I'm trying my best to feel happy and whole but it feels a lot like agony and I'm struggling to no longer show it.  I try to engage in playtime and conversations; I try to be involved in my own life but the desire is gone and after a few months I have no idea if it is ever coming back.  I've become a step-ford wife where there is a light but no real life.  I don't want to get out of bed because it is just too hard to play the role all day long.  Dan knows I am a shell again and I see him ache with helplessness...he has no answers or ideas, he just holds it together for the children.  I'm sick and I know it but the medicine is too much to take right now so I cover back up and fall into a coma with the hopes of waking to a new life.  I don't know how I've become this person that I hate and no longer feel sorry for...get the fuck out of bed and either get help or be a good mom...I wish I could be a good mom everyday.  I can hear the phone ring but I don't care who it is or what they are trying to sell me; my phone is lighting up from texts but I don't want to chat and John cannot help me...or maybe he will but I fear if I ask for help he will leave forever having validation that I know his darkness.  This is all too familiar and I can't help but cry for my son who had to deal with this and my bullshit because I couldn't pull myself together for the only person I ever loved more than myself.  I've become too exhausted and discouraged to hope to be different any longer...this is me and I'm sick...