Finding the Edge X

The last couple of days have been awful at home and I'm hoping it will be better today.  I leave the computer and make my way to the kitchen for coffee and breakfast.  Dan is barely talking to me these days and I can't really blame him; part of me feels guilty because at least if he isn't talking to me then we can't have the circular discussion around our marriage.   I can feel myself care less and less everyday and I think this is supposed to scare me into stopping but it doesn't, it just makes me want to leave more.  I almost wish Dan would just finally snap and either shake me, end this or walk away.  I grabbed my toast and coffee and sit by the kitchen window, it allows me to escape without ever leaving the house.

I must have zoned out for a bit because I didn't notice Dan making his breakfast.  We didn't even say anything to each other, there was no point today, I could feel him pulling away and it made me feel a little resentful.  How arrogant!  I'm pissed off because my husband is finally fed up with his wife having a separate life and partying like she's a single twenty year old.  I've become so entitled it makes me sick...but it doesn't go away.  I start having an argument with him in my head defending my choices and behaviours; besides he's the one that brought up the 'Summer of Natalie', that was his idea.  I immediately deflate my ego when I look at him.  He is a beautiful man that is hurting so badly just so his wife can find whatever she is missing.  Dan tells me everyday that he is okay and that he supports me, because that is what a great spouse and partner does...at this point I feel guilt for my new life and resentful that he allows it without a fight.  I don't know when the anxiety, loneliness and guilt turned to anger but I welcome it because it makes me feel empowered rather than depressed...another price Dan is paying for his selfish bitch of a wife...I'm still not stopping.

Dan puts his dishes in the sink and kisses me good bye, I'm both sad and pissed off by his gesture.  Maybe if we had one argument or fight in our entire relationship I wouldn't feel so bland and he wouldn't feel so walked on.  I crawled back into bed and started texting, "What's shaken bacon?"  I've come to rely on the cop for companionship...even if just over text.