The Longest Summer XXVI

The birthday party was great although fairly low-key, which was perfect because I couldn't really concentrate right now. We took the birthday photo of her with Dan since they share a birthday and we had the bouncy castle and a few friends over for a BBQ. Within half an hour of saying good-bye to our guests I was pulling clothes through my clothes and drawers trying to pack for a week long road trip starting in just a few hours.

It felt weird, was I going to say good-bye to my father? I knew if he died I likely wouldn't go. He doesn't want a funeral and it wouldn't be right to visit when he died if I didn't visit when he was alive. I sat at the end of my bed and cried into my pillow thinking about the times I thought he was the best dad in the world. I just kept hearing my cousins voice ringing through my ears and memories..."if you want to say good-bye then you should come now". I don't know if I wanted to go to him, almost like if I avoided it then it couldn't be true. Sometimes I just want to live in my head where I can choose the time and memory, I don't like this type of change...the kind that changes you forever