Mastering the Mundane VII

I got in late last night and put her to bed right away; Dan was already sleeping so I decided to stay in the guest room.  I texted Mike to let him know I made it home safely and say good night, I really like him and hope I get to see him again.  At this point I feel like I am probably just adding confusion to the little clarity I have.  I have to stay focused because I may never get another opportunity to make this journey and to be honest I don't think I have it in me to try this all over again.  I started to think about New york and I have no idea what that will offer me at all in terms of answers to my mess of a life.  I guess my life isn't a mess, it's just me.  My emotions feel like the ball of lights on 'Christmas Vacation'  and every time I try to untangle them I get so overwhelmed I just dive into ignorance and float away from myself.  At this point I would rather seal the door to my darkness then ever have to walk through it; Laura wouldn't agree.  I guess I just don't see the point anymore in digging up the past and demons...to look at them?  Why?  I already know they exist and what they are, how they affected me...so much time has passed and I think it would feel more like a harsh reminder to what I wish I could just forget.  Talking about it will never change it, I can't ever go back and theres no eraser...this is who I am, this is what they created and I am just left with 'having' to love or at least like myself and do the best I can to have some sort of happy existence.  Some things you can never give back and sometimes the path you are on is not the one chosen but I know that I can find my path, I just have a lot of ground to cover before I get there.  My pep talks are starting to sound more like suicide notes and I need to adjust back to the positive.  I think the worst part is knowing who I really am and what I can do and could have done...and the darkness keeps it all locked away...I can see it, but it won't let me have it.  I need to get that little girl out, she is what is missing from me...