The Phoenix IV

I woke to a text from John and contemplated for an hour if I should open it or delete it.  I wasn't sure if I was going to believe what he wrote or even cared anymore.  I deleted it because the bottom line is that I am the only one that brings anything to the table in this friendship...so I may as well eat alone.  I still think of him a lot and and hope he is well; the exact same thoughts I afford to Long Island Mike.  These past few months have felt like a fast game of catch up.  I have re-evaluated my beliefs and started to throw most of them out while I look inside myself to find what I truly believe and fits with my heart and soul.  I have cleaned out my phone and friends while keeping a small amount that I love, respect and want in my life; people who value me and what I bring to the friendship regardless of my private life. I have matured, taken control, stood up, stood behind and rose from the scared person I was before.  I don't hate or dislike the ones that left because the truth be told I wasn't sad to watch them go.  Many of my friendships have been modified and boundaries have been set and because of that I won't and can't be pushed around whether by them or through the feelings of just not fitting in.  I never realized how important boundaries were and how each friend has a different set in our friendship.  Confidence has allowed me the freedom to not have to defend myself and not feel the need to explain anything to anyone, I don't have to answer to anyone...it's not my issue if you don't get it or understand my choices, they are not yours to understand.

The most heart wrenching realization thus far is knowing that not all my friends like the real me, and most of them at this point have no idea of the journey I have just taken.  I try not to be sad and upset about it, instead I concentrate on those I have attracted into my life and how amazing my vibe must be to capture a friend like Carl.  I guess some people preferred the water down version of myself; and she never really even existed...she was merely the character I played up until now.