The Phoenix XII

Two Bellini's in and I had to switch to Heineken Lite, I have no idea what is in the Bellini here but I was starting to feel a little on the tipsy side moving quickly to less classy.  I was so full I silently wished I wore my yoga pants as I felt the button of my jeans dig into my tummy.  Carl was still eating his bacon wrapped chicken and I almost wished I had more room.  The weather was awful this evening so we were in no hurry to leave or bar hop so we sat there until the candle went out, I loved listening to his stories from back home...it gives me a real appreciation for him and who he is.  

About an hour later we finally stepped back into the rain then ducked under a canopy for a cigarette while we mapped out the rest of the evening.  It didn't take long for us to spot a pub that looked half full and like a great time so we dodged some cars, threw our umbrellas in the rack and found a spot at the bar.  This is so reminiscent of Dan and I and I don't know if it comforts me and hurts me.  One day Dan and I will pick up where we left off with travelling...but for now we just accept our limitations and work around them...I miss him everyday.  I talk a lot about Dan to Carl and they have somehow formed a weird friendship through me and I love that this means I will never have to say good bye to my NY husband.  I ordered another strawberry blonde and put a coaster on top before we headed out for another cigarette.  

Eight cocktails later and we're once again arm in arm walking down the streets of Manhattan trying to find junk food so we can over eat and watch television until the early hours.  I think Carl is crucial to my journey and every time I get to see him or chat with him he offers me strength in who I am.  My friendship with him is solid and it's a piece of the puzzle I want and possibly need to feel comfortable as me.  I'm getting stronger and my confidence is building, I am selecting my own friends and am comfortable with who I am...even if you are not.  My clipped wings are heeling and the less I look back or go against my own desires the freer I feel.   Now when I look over the edge it takes my breath away and offers me life, the life I want and crave.  I looked over at a soaking wet Carl trying to light a cigarette in the rain and wind...I bet he knows exactly how I feel.