Summer of Natalie VI

I woke feeling more tired then when I went to bed last night and decided to stay in bed for a little longer.  I try not to spend too much of my time these days just laying around because it leads to thinking which slowly turns into over thinking.  It does't take much for me to unravel all my positive thoughts so I try and stay occupied.  Dan is still sleeping and I wish he'd wake so we can have our morning talk in bed.

I start to think about the upcoming weekend and meeting new people.  I feel a little guilty for how I am meeting them but have to admit that it's quite fun and entertaining and I actually enjoy the process.  On line dating seems genius, it's faster than speed dating and less awkward.  I'm sure people stretch the truth to seem more attractive, as I have done with my income, but don't we do that even when we meet in person for the first time like at a bar?  I'm amazed at the people that post pictures looking like they are fresh out of bed and in sweats sitting in front of their computer; why bother if you're not even going to try?  I especially like stories my brother CJ has told me about showing up to meet someone and the picture they have used is so outdated the woman looks nothing like it and is a bit heavier...fifty pounds or so.  It makes me wonder how many people are using these sites to seriously find a spouse and if it actually works.  My guess is on line dating works for busy people and those who do not frequent the bar scene.  I grab my phone and quietly leave the room, I want to call CJ before he heads to work and catch him up on my life.

CJ and I weren't always on good terms, in fact there was about a decade where we barely had anything to do with each other.  A few years ago we worked through our differences and have become very close.  I want to connect with him because I know he will support me and right now I really want to surround myself with positive supports, it helps keep the darkness at bay.

I can't help but laugh when he finally answers his phone, he sounds exhausted and I know it's because he was chatting all night.  He is the first to tell you that he enjoys on line dating because he is so busy with work and being a dad which means his prime dating hours are in the middle of the night.  CJ has perfected on line dating, he has it down to a science.  I went to meet one woman with him and I was barely out of the car before he was back in and ready to leave.  I looked over at him, "she didn't show up?" I could see him rolling his eyes and let out a sigh, "the picture she showed me is about ten years old".  I felt a little bad laughing but that's the deal, if you meet over the internet then you have to be prepared for people to lie to make themselves appear more appealing.  After he caught me up on the women he had met and how my nephew was doing I decided to tell him about my marriage and summer plans.  CJ and I are more alike then we would care to admit, which is why I have chosen to confide in him.  He and I are the free sprints of the family and oddly enough are both type A, it's crazy that this combination even exists...maybe it doesn't and the free part is just an illusion we need for ourselves.  We love living our lives openly and freely and out of the 'norm' but have this strong need to be completely organized; basically we do everything we want-after carefully planning it out...like organized fun...those words barely even belong in the same sentence.  CJ is a lot like Dan in the sense that he never cared what others thought and tries to reassure me that I'm allowed to live the way I want, "you gotta shake off the negative Natalie otherwise you'll be unhappy".  I love my brother and feel my heart ache for the ten years we never spoke over a misunderstanding; perhaps that is the best reason to no longer care what others say to me or think about me.

We only talk for a few minutes cause he has to get to work, he takes the time to reassure me one more time that it's okay, I smile and tell him not to fall asleep on the drive.  I make my way to the kitchen and start breakfast...today is another good day....