Summer of Natalie XVI

I barely slept last night, the flight was awful and John was still MIA.  I got up and grabbed my computer and made my way downstairs, I made some coffee and curled up on the couch.  I was hoping that maybe he lost his phone and left me a message on my profile...27 messages and none from him.  I started to read and answer the messages as a way to stop my mind from cycling through my thoughts, they were starting to make me sick.

I started to think about what I was going to tell Dan, I knew it was going to be the truth but it's difficult to know what that is when I feel so lost and confused.  This was starting to be a tad ridiculous considering I've never met John and the reality was setting in that I may never meet him.  I was terrified my marriage was over emotionally since I so easily connected with John.  I could hear Dan getting ready for work and panic started to set in, how was I ever going to tell him this...and how could I not?  I made him some breakfast and tried my best to keep my coffee down.

Dan could see the fear and stress in my face as soon as we sat down to breakfast, once the tears started rolling off my cheeks there was no question.  "You okay?" All I could do is sob and shake my head.  I could feel the coffee rise in my throat and I was scared to start talking incase I threw up. Dan came and sat beside me, held my hand and smiled...yeah he's that amazing.  "You know Natalie, it's going to be okay".  I think I may have knew that but I could barely string together a coherent thought and my mind was cycling through everything I had to tell him like it was rehearsed.  I just took a breath and remembered that if I'm honest then he can decide what he wants to do...but if I lie then I'm holding him here and he wouldn't even know it.  How did this happen, Dan is everything to me...dear God please let this just be a crisis in me and not in 'us'.  I'm so embarrassed and ashamed, I couldn't even look at him when I finally began to throw up everything I was thinking and feeling.  I could feel him squeeze my hand which only made me feel worse.  He held me while I soaked his shirt in tears, he didn't deserve this...and I didn't deserve him.  I needed to find out what was happening to me because I felt crazy and panicked, I wanted to figure out what the fuck my problem was.  Dan kissed me, told me he loved me and left for work, I wanted to curl up and cry the day away.

I seen a message on my phone, "Hey Irish, I was called out and wasn't able to contact you.  Hope you had a good trip.  If you're in town this weekend we should have a drink".  I can't explain if I felt better or worse...but what I did know was that I was going to make the trip just for the drink.  I have to know my connection to this stranger