Finding the Edge I

I finally crawled out of bed around noon and could hear CJ in the living room talking on his phone.  By the time I got out there he had hung up, "you look like shit, did the cop finally show?" I didn't even know where to start because thinking back it was almost surreal.  "We got drunk, went joy riding in the cop car, played with guns and then I almost ran him over when we got into an argument in a parking lot".  Even as I said it I wasn't sure I completely believed it and had to think back to how many vodka's I had.  "That's some first date, you going to see him again?"  It made my heart sink at the thought of not seeing him again; I liked his fearlessness and the way he could push my buttons.  He's dark and I want to know why, it amazes me that he can flip a switch and change so quickly...I want that.

John brought back a side of me that I hid for years, he seemed to really like my feisty side and enjoyed winding me up.  I imagine with his job he lives his life close to the edge and needs it now in all corners of his life just to get by; I find it highly intoxicating and addictive.  I know what I'm attracted too and I know he is not giving it up easily, I bet he's never laid on his bathroom floor crying and throwing up...I want to know his secret.  I giggled to myself thinking about him in my support group; Robocop is clearly not an open book and it makes me smile thinking about him trying to remember the exact words to describe his feelings.  It makes me wonder, would my support group be for them...or me?  Dan knows I have trauma and that I refuse to share it with him, I don't want to add my cancer to him...I keep it hidden in the dark.  I've never spotted darkness in someone else and yet with John I could feel it; I'm scared I'll never see him again and the loneliness will return.

I decided to head back home early because I felt this is something I should tell Dan about...my heart ached for him.  How was I ever going to tell him that I met someone that I like spending time with and hope I get to see him again, and often.