New York State of Mind XVI

It's always difficult leaving my son, even when I know I'll be back in only a few days…except this time because I'm going to Chicago.  The cheque came and it's the signal to choke back the tears, give myself a pep talk and try my best to not fall apart in front of him.  After I paid the bill I walked him to his car and made sure to hug him a little longer and tell him how much I love him and am so unbelievably proud of him.  I always watch him drive away before I get into my car.

I hopped into my car and still fought to keep the tears at bay, it was a little easier during football season because I would see him weekly.  It was time to go, I still wasn't going to get back home till around 3am and I needed to get some sleep before the NFL kicks off.  I turned onto the highway and slowly got lost in my own thoughts about Dan, Mike, friends, family, and myself.  I have been feeling a little better lately; less shame and embarrassment which has been making room for strength, confidence and happiness…I hope it's real and here to stay.  It's not easy or comfortable making the transition into your own life and happiness but it is necessary to live a life worth living.  I'm trying to be my own best friend and support my choices but I'm not always on my game and I have failed myself in the past.  I think I'm finally at the point that I just need to let it all go and see what happens.  I need to stop sitting on the fence and stop trying to control the outcomes, it's time to jump and hope that I can fly.

When I'm alone I feel the most empowered and I remember how much I used to love this drive.  Counting the towns while I slowly come out of my shell week after week, this was the only therapy I had or needed at the time.  I have come so far and I have some guilt about the little pride I have for myself...as if I'm not allowed to feel anything positive.  I'm stronger now and I can push that garbage out of my head, maybe not forever but definitely for a little while.  My phone vibrating in the cup holder pulled me out of my head; I grabbed it and saw a message from Mike…the cop.  "Hey Natalie, I'm waiting to hear about New York.  How are you?"  I have no idea what to do about this Mike, I feel like I should say good bye but I just can't.  "Hi officer, wanna meet for coffee in the same place?  I'll be there in about half an hour".  I stopped on the side of the road half hoping he was working and half hoping he was already getting in his truck and making his way to me.  I gripped my phone like the magic eight ball waiting for the answer…"I'll meet you there".  I bit my lip and smiled, I just like him.