A Love, A Loss, and Peace XX

We stayed with my father for a few hours, laughed about the old times and told the same stories I could now recite without ever having been there to see the actual events. Erin and my father went at it a bit about his stubbornness but in the end my father won...he is after all the one who is suffering every single day. I think Erin hoped that if he stayed close enough and did enough that my father would develop a will to live but I haven't recognized a desire for life in several years. He held my father's hand, kissed his forehead and left for the night, unsure what the morning would bring.

I hugged Erin good-bye, closed the curtain and pulled my chair back over to my father's side. I held his hand, never expecting a conversation but maybe it's part of the process.

"So this is it? This is where you leave me?" You beg the universe to make the suffering stop and when it delivers, you hate how it ends the suffering.
"I'm sorry toad". He hadn't called me toad since I was about six years old.
"Me too, I'm sorry I was angry for so long". I rested my head on his arm and let my tears run to his fingers.
"I love you Natalie and I'm sorry but I cannot fight anymore, I'm tired and lonely".
The tears were flushing all of the anger I held onto for the past nearly twenty four years. I was so angry with the way he left us that I never did the work to even try and understand why he wanted to leave or how it had nothing to do with me.
"Dad, I'm not mad anymore. I should have grown up a long time ago, I should have forgiven sooner and loved better".
He placed his hands on my face, him no longer crying and me barely able to see through my tears. He's comes to terms with it...he's waiting for me to catch up.
"I love you toad".
I sobbed into the sheet while he held my hands and stroked my hair.