After breakfast we colour for a bit then make our beds and get ready to head out for a day of shopping. She makes me giggle as she narrates all of her decisions and actions as she performs them. She grabs her blanket and a teddy bear and heads to the car singing a song about all the toys she wants to get today. I can't help but laugh and feel sad all at the same time. I immediately think of my son and what he was like almost 15 years ago.
To this day I feel a strong desire to defend my choices and actions in regards to my son. I take offence when people ask "he doesn't live with you?" Regardless of how innocent the question I immediately think I am being judged as a bad mother. If I hear one other person say "I could never leave my child" I might just punch them in the face. I feel like they are looking at me like I'm crazy for that even being an option let alone my reality. Even as I write this, I know I have to state my side knowing full well that not everyone will care why, they will only care that it happened.
I was pregnant at 18 and had my son shortly after turning 19. His father was my best friend, and is still a close friend to this day. I had the same feelings as I experience today, the days that run together, the sadness and anxieties that come from wondering if this is it forever. The realization that I wasn't born to just be a mom and that I wanted to experience life, I at least wanted to go to university to better my life. When I was accepted to the university it was bitter sweet, I was so excited to have the opportunity to open more doors for me and at the same time I knew that my son would not be coming on this journey with me...well not full time anyway. Although my heart was breaking to leave him with his father I knew I could not take him...it didn't even make sense to take him. As guilty as I felt for leaving, I just couldn't take him out of a stable home from his father who could care for him in every way and out of a city that was filled with his family and supports. I mean why would I take him to a bachelor suite where he would need to go to day care daily and spend most of his time in care rather than with myself. So my two choices were to leave him in his stable environment where he was safe and well taken care of, a place where I was invited to every weekend to visit, or I could take him with me to live in a bachelor suite and attend day care all day rather than spend that time with his grandmother. I can stand here today and tell you that if this was anyone else's situation I would easily say it's a no brainer...if you take that child with you then it proves that you are acting for you and not in the best interest of that child. I have always felt like I have acted in the best interest of my son...but for some reason the guilt I have for doing so makes me immediately defend my position, as if what you think should mean more than what I know for sure. When I look at my son I know I made the right decision and it may not be your decision, but in my heart I know I loved him enough because I acted in his best interest and not to fulfill my selfish needs.
She's waiting right by the car as I grab my purse and head into the garage, I love seeing her bouncy curls and big smile. There are times I look at my daughter and see my son at that age, it grips my heart because I missed so much...I know it's time...something has to give...
No comments:
Post a Comment