Summer of Natalie I

The first hour of the drive to Leann's was a blur, I could barely string together a thought.  I felt sick and broken not understanding what was going on with me and why I felt so alone and lost in my life. I hated leaving but couldn't stand the thought of continuing in a 'groundhog day' cycle of complete misery.  I became terrified of that life...where I merely existed and never really knew how to live or be happy anymore.

I often wondered if I struggled because I had trouble letting go of one part of my life and embracing the other.  I seen friends and family everyday looking completely happy in their home in the suburbs, playing with their children and looking almost picturesque in their happiness.  To be honest I don't know if what I felt was jealousy or sickness watching it.  I wanted so badly to feel content and happy with my life and not always day dream about what else there was or what I was missing out on.  I often remember my mother looking at me with tears in her eyes and saying, "it makes me sad that you will never be truly happy in life because you'll always want to see more, experience more and be more, in your case...ignorance would have been bliss".  I think in the beginning of my adult life my mother was happy to see me take on the world fearlessly, but now she wondered when it would ever be enough.  I try and go back over my life and decisions and all I can come to is that I feel loss.  I feel sad for the little girl who dreamed of law school, to travel the world and write.  I feel sad that I pushed her aside as if to say "you came close and that will have to do", just to to help others because I was infested with so many insecurities I chose them over her.  Now I spend my days worrying if it's too late, or who would now have to sacrifice for me...it makes me sick thinking if I choose me who will suffer.  Over the years I have come to believe in the power of worry like so many others believe in the power of prayer.

The anxiety starts to make an appearance as I think of how others will view my disgusting behaviour of leaving my family on weekends to be with one of my best friends.  I imagine I'll be viewed as selfish for taking this time to find out what I could possibly be missing from my world.  I start to feel nauseous and have to switch gears in thinking before I start throwing up and crying.  I couldn't
possibly throw up or shed one more tear.  My anxiety quickly shifts to anger thinking about the judgement and whispers and side looks I'll get.  It doesn't take long for me to feel the fire emerge and I quickly start to defend who I am and what I want...all in my head of course.  I am able to come to a few truths that make me feel balanced for the first time in days.  The first is that I am open and honest with my husband and he supports me fully, the second is that regardless of this path I am on I love my husband and children more than anything and know they deserve to have all of me and not just a version or shell of who I 'should' be and that those who love and support me will understand and help me along as I have helped them.  I start to feel relieved and a little relaxed.

I opened the window and hoped for Tom Petty to come on the radio.  Three towns and about an hour left of driving with guilt riding shotgun.