Starting My Journey VI

The last couple nights have been awful and I find I toss and turn more than I actually sleep.  Last night I think I passed out from pure exhaustion and feel slightly rested this morning.  I roll over to stretch and finally open my eyes when I notice Dan is awake...and staring at me, "good morning creepy".  He just laughs and throws a pillow at me.  We decide to sneak downstairs for coffee and alone time before she wakes.

We grab a coffee and stretch out on the couch, it feels relaxing and for the first time in a long time I feel content.  Dan lets me sit and enjoy this moment for a few minutes, the talk is coming and we both know it's the reason we are up earlier than usual.  I can feel the anxiety start to rise in me and I start telling Dan every feeling and thought I've been having as if I were throwing up everything I have ever eaten.  "Dan, I'm scared that if I take this opportunity I won't come back or that if I do I will always feel the itch to leave again".  He takes my hands and kisses them, "if you leave, it is not a matter of opportunity...it is a matter of time".  I know he's right.  I have always known with Dan that I am free to fly and live whatever life I want, marriage is not my enemy...time is.  "Natalie, the worst thing isn't you leaving, it's you staying and being miserable always wondering".  And then reality hit me like a train and I couldn't believe what I was hearing, "I am always going to love you and I will always be your friend but I may not always be your husband.  You have to find what will make you feel complete on your own.  One day the children will move out and have lives of their own and one day you may find yourself alone...find what will make you happy when it's just you".  At that point my brain couldn't decipher if I thought he was being mean or kind, but I knew it was the truth.

I packed my bag for the weekend and met him at the door.  I felt like I was being made to walk the plank, you can only move forward to the ledge and never back...I fucking hope I fly...