The Character I Play in the is World V

There's no coffee this morning, no curling up on the couch with my pups and checking my profile.  There is only laying in bed wide awake and staring at the ceiling.  It's 4am or 5am...I have no idea cause it's always the same time in my world now.  The "groundhog day" cycle is back and with it comes the all the feelings of sadness, loneliness and loss.

But why?  Where is this coming from?  I mean I have a great life, amazing husband, beautiful children, friends and a job that I actually really like.  I almost feel like a spoiled brat pouting about everything I don't have or being jealous of what other's do.

I remember this cycle very well, the only other time I ever had it was when my son was the same age as my daughter is now.  I remember thinking "this is it forever" I'm a mom now and who I was and what I wanted is gone.  The stresses and anxieties come rushing back and wash over me, there's that fear...I'm a bad mother and wife.  I mean how am I not?  I'm embarrassed cause I come to the realization that as much as I love my children, and I love my children more than anything...I still want to have "me".  I still want to play out at least a small part of my life that I dreamed, I want to matter and still have something to look forward to that isn't just one of my children's milestones and accomplishments.  I immediately fear the judgement that will come in waves.  I was only 19 when I had my son and I remember almost two years later sitting in my home going through the same "groundhog day" cycle and thinking "I haven't even been to university".  I've barely seen or experienced the world.  And then I was hit with an enormous amount of guilt...ugh...it all feels too much.  I knew that in my early twenties I still had far too much life ahead of me for the days to be running together and felt ashamed for even wanting to leave.  It's not like I didn't want my son, I love him like nothing else.  My son is the first person I ever loved more than myself.  So there I was in my early twenties looking out the back door of my home and wondering how I was going to do it all and have it all.

As I lay in bed at whatever time it is I can reflect back and logically think "well that makes sense cause I was so young and still wanted to experience life".  But now I am 35 years old and all those feelings are back...now what?  I went to university, I travelled the world, I have a career and am in a much better space in my life.  Why is this happening again?  Am I truly an awful mother that once her children reach 18 months she crumbles and has the urge to run?  As I look at friends and see them with their children I wonder if they feel like this but would never ask cause then they might validate what I already fear.  Do people genuinely feel fulfilled living for someone else, even if that someone else is their child?  Why do I feel so guilty and ashamed for wanting more out of my life?  Am I broken?  Yes I love my children and husband...but can't I love me too?  Yes I want to best for my children and husband...and me too.  And yes I want my children and husband to live a full and happy life chasing their dreams.  Buy why do I feel so ashamed knowing I want that for me too.   Where did the belief come from that if I am not devoting 100% of my time and efforts to my husband and children then I am a bad wife and mother?  And why do I buy into it like it's the gospel?

The stress finally turns to numbness as I lay on my bathroom floor after a session of dry heaving out the anxieties that are overtaking my life.  I am grateful for the numbness and welcome it like a meditative state of the familiar nothingness.  I can hear her stir in her room and I roll over, get up off the floor and brush my teeth...duty calls and she waits for no one.